Two muffins were sitting in an oven. The first muffin turns to the second muffin and says, “Boy, it is starting get really hot in here.”
The second muffin turns to him and says, “HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!”
It’s a hot day in the Old West and the wind is blowing tumbleweed in off the prairie when a horse plods out of the heat shimmer with a black-dressed man on its back. Recognising a bounty hunter when they see one, men turn their faces away to avoid eye contact, women call their children in off the street, and all conversation falls silent. The bounty hunter draws to a halt outside the sheriff’s office and waits there patiently until the lawman comes out toting a shotgun, which he carefully doesn’t point at the stranger. After a minute the stranger’s dry voice breaks the silence, barely above a whisper.
“Ah’m lookin’ fer the Brown Paper Kid.”
“Don’t know as how I’ve heard of him,” drawls the sheriff. “What’s he look like?”
“Waal,” says the bounty hunter, “he wears brown paper pants and a brown paper jacket, brown paper boots and a brown paper hat. He belts two six-guns in brown paper holsters, an’ he rides a hoss with a brown paper saddle.”
“An’ what’s he wanted for?”
“Russlin’!”
No no, it’s
How do you get 5 elephants in a pink mini-minor?
Two in the front, two in the back, one in the trunk.
Also…
Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So they can hide upside down in the custard. Have you ever caught an elephant hiding upside down in custard? See! It works!
The really clean version says "pencil and paper."
A traveling salesman stayed overnight at a farm. When the family gathers to eat there’s a pig seated at the table. And the pig has three medals hanging around his neck and a peg leg.
The salesman says, “I see you have a pig having dinner with you.”
“Yes,” says the farmer. “That’s because he’s a very special pig.
You see those medals around his neck? The first medal is from when our youngest son fell in the pond, and he was drowning, and that pig swam out and saved his life. The second medal, that’s from when the barn caught fire and our little daughter was trapped in there and the pig ran inside, carried her out and saved her life. And the third medal, that’s from when our oldest boy was cornered in the stock yard by a mean bull and that pig ran under the fence and bit the bull on the tail and saved the boy’s life.”
The salesman says, “Well, I can certainly see why you let that pig sit right at the table and I can see why you awarded him the medals. But how did he get the peg leg?”
“Well,” says, the farmer, “When you have a pig as special as that, you just don’t eat him all at once.
A grasshopper goes into a bar and pulls up a stool. The bartender walks over says, “Hey, do you know we have a drink named after you?”
The grasshopper says, “You have a drink named Frank?”
How do you know if an elephant has been in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.
How do you know if two elephants have been in your fridge?
Two sets of footprints in the butter.
Two electrons walk into a bar. The first one orders a martini. The second one says, “D**n, I wanted a martini!”
how do you catch a unique bird?
You “neek” up on it.
This one works much better heard than read.
Two whales walk into a bar. They sit down and the first one turns to the second one and says, "Aroooo, eer, eer, eer. Whoooup, whooup. Wheeee-uh. (Continue making whale song noises until your audience starts to get restless. Really, the longer you can drag it out, the better.)
So then the second whale says,
(pause for two beats)
“What?”
Did you hear about the farmer who won a Nobel prize?
–(He was out-standing in his field.)
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where’s my tractor???
How do you catch a tame bird?
'tame way
Proving once again, the funniest jokes aren’t clean.
How do you know if four elephants have been in your fridge?
Four sets of footprints in the butter.
How do you know if five elephants have been in your fridge?
Pink mini-minor parked out the front.
sighs heavily, and puts his quill back into the inkwell, staring at Pookah over his pince-nez
That’s “anarchist”. And “proper tea”.
A priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through the desert when suddenly they’re set upon by a band of renegade Indians.
They take cover behind a rock. “Well, Tonto,” says the Ranger, “this is it! Looks like we die together.”
Tonto looks at him and says “Ughhhhhh. What you mean, ‘we,’ white man?” :dubious:
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a German are arguing over which language is the most beautiful.
The Englishman says, “Just consider the the word ‘butterfly’! How lightly, how airily it trips off the tongue!”
The Frenchman says, “Mais non, mais non, mon ami! ‘Papillon, papillon.’ It is so musical, so melodic!”
The German says, “Und vat’s wrong mit ‘Schmetterling’?” :dubious:
A pub in Dublin opens for business one morning, and the first people through the door are a rabbi and an imam.
“Oi must say,” says the proprietor, “Oi am a bit surprised to see you two gents come walkin’ in here!”
The rabbi says, “What’s the surprise? We just need a quiet spot to debate the merits of Talmudic and Sharia law.”
A few minutes later, an Anglican vicar and a Lutheran pastor walk in.
“Well, well,” says the proprietor. “Oi’m a bit surprised to see you two here!”
The vicar says, “Nothing out of the ordinary. We’d just like to sit quietly and discuss the ramifications of the Protestant Reformation.”
Another few minutes and a Catholic priest and four nuns walk in.
“My stars!” says the proprietor. “'Tis a great surprise to see you all in here!”
“And why is that, my son?” asks the priest.
“Because you don’t usually come in until around four o’clock, Father!” says the proprietor. 
One day long ago, out in the wild, wild West, a black guy, an Irishman, and a Chinaman all apply for jobs building the transcontinental railroad.
The gang boss looks them over and says “Okay, come with me.”
He takes them to the site where the laborers are working that day. “Alright,” he says to the black guy. “I’m puttin’ you on the gravel gang.”
“You,” has says to the Irishman, “I’m putting on the track layin’ gang.”
“And you,” he says to the Chinaman, “I’m puttin’ in charge of supplies.”
He leaves them to it and heads back to his office. A few hours go by, and he decides to check up on his new hires.
He finds the gravel gang, and the black guy is there smashing up rocks with a sledgehammer like there’s no tomorrow.
He goes over to where the track is being laid, and the Irishman is there pounding stakes into the ground as hard as he can.
He goes over to the supply shed, and the Chinaman is nowhere to be seen. He makes a circuit of the building site and still can’t find the Chinaman anywhere.
Annoyed, he makes his way back to his office. He opens the door …
and the Chinaman jumps out and yells “SUPPLIES!”