A stranger rides into an old west town. At least seven feet tall and four hundred pounds, he’s riding the biggest horse ever seen. He stops in front of the first saloon in town, gets off the horse, slaps it, and commands “STAY!”
He walks into the saloon, ripping off the doors. Walking up to the bar, he grabs the saloon keeper by the neck and drags him half way across the bar. He Growls, " I’m the baddest, toughest, thirstiest son-of-a-gun in the territory. Bring my your biggest glass of beer and your strongest bottle of rotgut and you MIGHT live to see tomorrow."
While he’s waiting, a guy about five foot two, a buck twenty soaking wet, walks up and requests a bottle of root beer. He turns, looks at the stranger, and knocks him out with one hit.
The stranger wakes up to the sight of the other man sitting there, calmly drinking his root beer. The stranger looks up and asks “Who the heck are you?” The other guy looks down and replies, “Me? I’m the guy you thought you were when you walked in.”
In Northern Ireland, during the Troubles, three Protestant housewives decided to try to bridge the gap by attending a bingo evening in Catholic territory. They paused nervously at the door, took a deep breath, and marched in to find the room absolutely packed with suspicious-looking Catholic women and every seat taken.
But the priest calling the numbers knew his duty as a Christian and rose to his feet, sternly ordering “Three chairs for the Protestant ladies!”
And his obedient congregation got to their feet as one woman and responded “HIP - HIP - HURRAH!”
Someone took that joke and turned it into an image.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping when suddenly a flock of birds descends on Silver and start building nests in his mane.
Tonto grabs the yeast from his cooking supplies, sprinkles it in Silver’s mane, and instantly all the birds fly away never to return!
The Lone Ranger is astounded. “Tonto, my old friend, that was amazing. How did you know to do that?”
Tonto replies, “Ugh, Kemo Sabe, old Indian treatment — yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.”
A name like ds and you have to ask that?
Anyway, f(x) goes into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “Sorry, we don’t cater for functions”.
A longer version of this joke also has the man alternately being insulted by an equally mysterious voice - which the bartender explains as “…but the cigarette machine is out of order”.
A guy is driving down a winding country road when another car appears in the next lane.
As they pass, the woman driving the other car leans out her window and shouts “Pig!”
Outraged, the guy leans out his window and yells “Slut!” He drives around the next bend …
and hits a pig in the middle of the road. 
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
Why don’t sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
Why don’t sharks eat clowns?
They taste funny.
Yeah, there’s lots of those. This one’s my favorite.
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out flaming ducks.
Nice play on the joke from the movie Training Day… only much cleaner 
In the remote wilds of Washington State, a Bigfoot walks into a lonely pub, and asks for a pint of beer.
The bartender, once he gets over his initial shock, reflects that Bigfoots are probably not well-versed in the ways of ordinary humans, and that this may be his chance to get a bit of extra cash; so says, “that will be 150 dollars”.
The Bigfoot produces, from wherever on their persons Bigfoots secrete such things, $150 in crumpled, dirty bills, and hands them over; gets his pint, and takes it to a table and sits down and starts to savour it.
Bartender can’t help feeling curious about the situation, and after a while, says: “You know, we don’t get many Bigfoots in here”.
The Bigfoot replies: “At a hundred and fifty dollars a pint, are you surprised?”
Curse you, RickJay, that’s mine!
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar.
“Hey, honey!” says the bartender. “Why the long face?”
A guy is walking down the street when he passes a woman carrying a duck.
“Hey!” he says. “Where’d you get the pig?”
“Its not a pig, stupid!” says the woman. “It’s a duck!”
The guy says, “I was talking to the duck!”
I’d be happy if I could secrete even a twenty on demand.
Here’s one Sherlock Holmes fans might like, but I have to cut and paste (source)
From jokebeast.com:
One fine evening Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were walking through Hyde Park when they passed three women sitting on a bench eating bananas.
“Good evening ladies.” said Sherlock Holmes.
“Holmes,” Watson asked, “Do you know those ladies?”
“No,” replied Holmes, “I have never met the nun, prostitute, or the newlywed bride in my life.”
“Good lord,” Watson exclaimed, “how did you know that we passed by a nun, a prostitute, and a newlywed bride?”
“It’s elementary my dear Watson,” replied Holmes, “The nun was eating her banana by holding it with one hand and using the other to break off little pieces. The prostitute held the banana with both hands and crammed the whole thing down her throat.”
“Absolutely incredible!” stuttered Watson, “But how did you know that the third woman was a newlywed?”
“Easy!” replied Holmes, “The newlywed bride was holding the banana with one hand and using her other hand to push her head towards it!”