Favorite Quotes from the Daily Show

Well, I think the title is pretty self-explanatory, so I’ll just start. (My first topic, btw).

“If you’re a lesbian, then why are you turning me on?”

“That’s a stupid thing to say, and you’re stupid for saying it.”

“Since Cookie monster has been on the air, I’ve gained 138 pounds.”

“So, the Palestinians need to get new infrastructure, new security arrangements, and new leadership then they’ll have their own country. Provisionally. Oh, and they have to take this ring to Mordor.”

“He [Bush] will make whores of our wives and slaves of our children.”

One line that’s stuck in my mind for years:

“If you’re so innocent, why won’t you admit that you’re not?”

This is all from memory, quotes are approximated.

“Tumor manufacturers Philip Morris today denied that their products were unhealthy.”

“We don’t hate homosexuals, right?”
“We just hate the ones that are turning us on.”

Anyone remember Jon interviewed two of the Spice Girls? It was Baby, and I think Sporty. As the interview goes on, Baby seems into it, but you can actually see the part in Sporty’s hair move from side to side as everything Jon says sails over her head. Finally, half way in, she says, “I don’t understand why everyone is laughing. You’re not that funny.” Stewart sits there for a beat, clearly startled and probably a bit insulted. Finally, he rallies and says, “Well, what do you consider funny?” “Well, British humor is more like, sarcastic.” And Stewart says, “Sarcasm? That’s all we do here!” Jesus, it was priceless. Wish I’d taped it.

The first time Jon demonstrated the hydraulic properties of his office chair. (“This is my actual height”)

On a slightly heavier note, the speech Jon Stewart gave the first night the Daily Show was back on the air after September 11 was one of the most moving things I’ve ever witnessed.

Yes, Dragonblink, Jon’s speech was right up there with David Letterman’s for me. And they’ve done a great job with bringing back the irony and the satire, but treating things seriously as well.

Favorite line–oh yeah, that would be my signature. It’s from a bit they did on radiation detectors, just after the dirty bomb scare.

I’m not a fan of Craig Kilborn, but my favorite quote is from his run on the show.

After Sonny Bono’s fatal skiing accident: “In a related story, Chastity Bono suffered neck injuries this weekend after going face-down into a bush.” One of the most shamelessly tasteless TV moments I’ve ever witnessed.

Speaking of Letterman’s reaction, where could I look at a text of that? I didn’t see it the first time around.

All I know is that I have a HUGE crush on Jon Stewart. His facial expressions and every word he speaks crack me up. And damn, is he easy on the eyes.

::dreamy sigh::

I missed his speech but just read it from Dragonblink’s link. Wow, I really wish I had seen it. Thanks, D-blink.

I used to know the entire quote about “President Vice President Cheney” promoting nuclear energy:

“…eliminating Americans’ long-term energy needs by, in the long term, eliminating Americans.”

This bit on Even Stephen/ven gets me every time:

Steven Colbert: Should (whatever they’re debating)? No.

Stephen Carell: Yes

Colbert: No

It just always cracks me up the way he opens his mouth and kind of shouts it without actually seeming to. If you’ve seen it you know what I mean.

I nearly choked on my toast when I read this.

Kilborn is the only thing that pulled me away from Conan O’Brian. I miss the days when I could see him on TV at a reasonable hour.

And of course your favorite quote comes from his run of the show…maybe you should ask yourself why that is.

Nothing will ever, ever, ever top Lewis Black talking about Grand Theft Auto 3.

“The point of this game? WHO CARES! I’m too busy beating up an old lady with a baseball bat, carjacking a station wagon, or my personal favorite, running over a person whose car I just stole, with the car I just stole! Now THIS is a video game!”

Miller, the first thing I thought of when I saw this thread was his interview with the Spice Girls. I wish I could quote directly, but it’s been so long since I’ve even had cable.

One of the Spices: You’re not funny. In America you think you’re witty, but you’re not.

Jon Stewart: Well, I’m no Benny Hill.
That whole interview was hilarious.

Yep, that Craig… Sure has done well for himself since he left :slight_smile:

I miss Vance Degeneres!

I love the headlines. Colin Powell doing his peace talks tour? “Obstructed Colin.” Part of Antarctica falling into the ocean? “Low Shelf Esteem.” Recently, in a segment on “corporate responsibility,” Stewart goes through new regulations for keeping corporations in line. Then he says, “Did Wall Street have any rules before this? Could you just shoot a guy for looking at you wrong?” I paraphrase, and I apologize. Although it’s not technically a quote, I do so love Matthew McConaughey telling the story about his goats.

Bah! I got to this thread waaaaaaay too late.

My favorite one that hasn’t been mentioned yet was the night of Gore’s concession speech. They played the part where he officially announced he wouldn’t contend the Supreme Court’s decision. Cut to Jon, vacant-looking and confused.

“Is it over? Is that it? <pause> Did O.J. or Monica do anything today?”

Let me add that a good number of the segments mentioned are in the videos section at The Daily Show Experience, including the Spice Girls interview, the “orange juice makes you gay” segment, and Jon’s address after September 11.

Theme Song Guy: “Slimmin’ down with Steve, slimmin’ down with Steve…”

Lord Viper Scorpion (man, I miss that guy): “Feel my sting, Jon! Feel my sting!”

Audience: The resounding boo Anne Coulter got last night.

And, while I can’t remember any specific quote from it, do you remember the mucus man? He was this old man who thought mucus was the cause of all medical problems, and regularly drained himself of it. He pulled out this huge jar of phglem he’d kept since the Truman Administration. Hilarious, and somewhat unsettling.

Oh, and one day, the moment of Zen was a clip of Bush talking about “subliminable” messages in the TV.

Then at the end of the show when the logo for what I assume is the production company for the show comes on, and a little voice usually says, “The cow says,” followed by a “mooo”, the voice does the “The cow says,” bit, followed by “subliminable.” Had me laughing for weeks after.

One of my Top 2 Daily Show/Lewis Black lines, the other being way, way back when Congress released the Monica report over the 'Net & Lewis went off on a tangent about /paraphrase/ "And kids are learning about sex over the Internet??!! That’s wrong, WRONG!! They should learn about it the way I did,…from some kid down the street named “Stinky!!!” /paraphrase/

they used to have the clip of Lewis commenting on GTA3 on the Daily Show site, but it’s been replaced apprarently.