Post your favorites, by real people, fictitious people or even yourselves or friends. Here are a few of mine:
“I’m white, I’m protestant, and I’m hard-working, and they can’t find one amendment that protects me!”–Archie Bunker, to Mike
“Show us how to keep people from thinking that they’re somehow justified in hurting someone–or stealing from someone–and you’ll just about put this place [the police department] out of business!”–Sgt.Joe Friday (Jack Webb), on Dragnet
“You’ve just won a million dollars!” Regis Philbin…you know the rest. 
“I hope you people can transfer to another school!” –music teacher (substitute) at El Camino College, Fall 1983, in Music Appreciation,when the class told him that we had skipped the Middle Ages,the Renaissance, and the Baroque Opera
“You’ll eat bread if you’re so hungry!” — my mom
“No food tastes as good as being thin feels.” — Jean Nieditch, founder of Weight Watchers
“A family is more important than a business. This is not to say that a business in not important. I am just saying that a family is much, much more important.” — If I told you, you’d laugh
“It’s not my copy store.” — Brian, in Jim’s Journal
“I don’t think life is absurd or meaningless; I think it’s funny.” Steve, in Jim’s Journal
“Sometimes I get to thinkin’/About all the mistakes I’ve made/All the people I’ve hurt/And all the bills I haven’t paid/Sometimes I get to thinkin’/I should change and get on the ball…/But then I turn on the ol’ TV and I don’t get to thinkin’ at all!” — Red Green
“So remember when you’re feeling very small and insecure/How amazingly unlikely is your birth.” — Eric Idle
“I guess I’m better off just living with my inner tensions.” — Snoopy
A random three:
“I’m cold, I’m tired, I’m all out of money, and I want to go home!” --overheard at a Great America amusement park years ago. Coupled with the pure sincerity of the adolescent girl uttering it, it formed a perfect, shining, totally complete whine. Nay, a Platonic Ideal of a whine.
“Some people really fool you by walking upright.” --Bob Newhart, in one of the iterations of shows bearing his name.
“Do you have a minute to come over here a second?” --a good friend.
I said this when referring to a friend:
“He goes to church religously”
I also like David Letterman’s line:
“I wouldn’t give my troubles to a monkey on a rock”
My mother: [talking about my brother’s psycho ex-girlfiend] “Guess what little miss Bobbi went out and did?”
Me: “What?”
My mother: “She went out and bought herself a brand new pair of titties. Been running around town all day showing 'em off. And guess what I bought? [reaches into purse and produces…a VOODOO DOLL!] I got it in New Orleans!”
[mother then reaches back into her purse and finds two pins. Smiling evily she asks:]
My mother: “Do you think if I stick these in, that Bobbi’s new titties would burst and give her cancer?”
[I then lay on the floor and laughed hysterically for ten minutes straight. It’s just so surreal to see my sweet little old mother being so malicious…hmm, I know where I got it from now…]
“It’s a short cut, of course it’s difficult. If it were easy, it would just be ‘the way’” from the movie, Road Trip
“Oh wow, look at the moon”, from both Zonker Harris, and unintentiontally sounding like a total space cadet, my old high school girlfriend, who later graduated from Harvard.
“It’s ironic, I hate people yet I love gatherings”, from the movie, Clerks.
Actually, Shib, the line is:
“You hate people!”
“But I love gatherings. Isn’t it ironic?”
Sorry, had to fix that one. I’ve had that line stuck in my head ever since Clerks was released at the theater…