NOEL: You lied to me George, you lied to me.
GEORGE: No, I, uh, um, wa, wa, What did I do? … Where are you going?
NOEL: I … am breaking up … with you!
GEORGE: You can’t break up with me. I’ve got hand.
NOEL: And you’re going to need it.
Peterman: Bad news, people. Peggy is home sick.
Elaine: Oh, please.
Peterman: She’s stuffed up, achy, and suffering from intense malaise.
Elaine: Oh, come on, we all have intense malaise. Right?
Peterman: I just spoke with her, Elaine. She’s in bed.
Elaine: Yeah, let me tell you something: this is all in her mind, OK? She is insane. She thinks I made her sick because I coughed on her doorknob, rubbed her stapler in my armpit, and put her keyboard on my butt. Yeah, she’s a wacko.
And from the same episode:
Jerry: He took you to Rage-aholics? Why?
George: Probably because this whole Universe is against me!
Jerry: You’ve got a little rage.
George: I know. And now they want me to bottle it up. It makes me so mad!
My favorite Seinfeld line belongs to Elaine in the stinky/BO car episode.
Jerrry and Elaine drive away from the restaurant and Jerry notices the foul aroma. He asks Elaine if she smells it too. She replies, "What am I? Hard of smelling?"
We modify and use that one constantly.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Thanks, twickster!
pricciar, that scene always cracks me up, too.
Hippy Hollow, can’t believe I left off the final line!
Another I just remembered:
George: She’s the only woman I never lied to, Jerry. Well, that’s not entirely true.
One of my favorite things about that line is that it completely mirrors a line from an unrelated plot in an unrelated episode:
CINDY: Your nickname’s Koko? One of the girls down at the maid service is named Coco.
GEORGE: Really? Coco?
CINDY: Yeah. Coco. That girl’s all right.
Other great lines in that episode…
MAN: You Steinfeld?
JERRY: Yeah.
MAN: My name is Maxwell. I’m from Maid To Order. It’s a pun. I sent one of my girls over to your place.
JERRY: Cindy.
MAN: She says she had a little problem with you. You didn’t pay.
JERRY: You know, she didn’t really do what she was supposed to do.
MAN: Oh, yeah? She told me what you like. You’re a little sickie, aren’t you? Disinfectant on the blinds, vacuuming the counter–
JERRY: Hey, come on. Come on. I gotta live around here.
KRAMER (from bathroom): Hey, is that T-bone?!
JERRY: No! There’s no T-bone!
KRAMER: Well, why no T-bone?!
JERRY: Why no T-bone?
GEORGE: 'Cause Neil Watkins from accounting is T-bone!
In one of the DVD commentaries, Jerry says that was the episode that really clicked the show’s writing style into place. From that point on, they always had the idea that a truly satisfying episode would tie the various storylines together just as elegantly. I still think the golf ball episode achieves it best, though.
As for my own favourite line:
“And YOU want to be my latex salesman!”
What’s the difference? You’re their all-time bestseller.
Bosco!
To me, it will always be…Burma!
A George divided amongst himself cannot stand.
No, I mentioned the bisque.
…yadda, yadda, yadda…
You’re an anti-dentite!
Step off, George.
And of course, the always popular…“Nnnnnnnnewman!”
Another one that never fails to crack me up. Also, George’s “Greatest American Hero Theme” answering machine message.
Seems like we have this thread every few months or so. So let me repeat my favorite from “The Old Man”, Season 4 (it was all in the delivery):
Jerry: What’s all this stuff?
Sid: Trash. Garbage.
Jerry: *You’re throwin’ this out?
*
Sid: *I believe that’s what you do with garbage, you idiot.
*
Jerry: You don’t want any of this?
Sid: Well if I wanted it I wouldn’t be throwing it away, EIN-STEIN!
What is it you do for a living, Newman?
I’m a postal worker.
Aren’t those the guys that come back and shoot everybody?
Sometimes…
Oh, I’m sorry. It was the Moops.
I like the scene where Mr. Lippman’s son plants one on Elaine and starts exclaiming “I’m aman” all testosteronily.
Peterman: Not on my watch!
My favorite Seinfeld episode, iirc, is called “The Deal”
It’s the one where for whatever reason, pigeons no longer get out of George’s way, and George is wondering about what he did to break “the deal” pigeons have with humans. But what really took this episode over the top for me was the side story about Elaine having the big head and pigeons keep crashing into it, and then at the end when the onlookers were making all the random comments about “the man who keeps stomping on pigeons” and the “pigeon who couldn’t avoid crashing into that woman’s head” just killed me.
“How do you like your bagels now?”
“It’s a festivus miracle”
Answering machine message.
“I wish you would invite me up for coffee again just so I could spit it in your face!”
Elaine’s Xmas card w/photo by Kramer.
Buck Naked
Another episode that has a similar ending is when Jerry’s car is stolen and, when he calls his car phone, the thief answers and Kramer asks if his gloves are in the car. Jerry and Elaine go to a rental car place to get a car and upon finding out there’s no car available, Jerry has one of the best conversations in the series:
“I know what a reservation is.”
“I don’t think you DO! Anyone can take a reservation. But the important part of the reservation is the holding.” [paraphrasing]
…and later in the conversation when he’s asked if he wants the insurance…“Yeah because I’m gonna beat the hell out of this car”.
The end of the episode when Kramer shows up at the diner and slaps down the gloves on the table, coupled with Jerry’s reaction, was like a sit-com version of a comic’s “callback”. It’s very similar to the aforementioned marine biologist episode when Kramer silently pulls the golf ball out of his pocket at the end.
ETA: “These pretzels are making me thirsty!”
“That’s gold, Jerry. Gold!”
“Am I crazy or does Jerry not wear glasses?”
“See? This is a perfectly sane food to eat.”