I guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but Saran wrap. The psychiatrist says, “Well, I can CLEARLY see your ('re)nuts.”
What do you say to a bass player in a three-piece suit?
“Will the defendant please rise?”
Ok, sorry, but now can somebody please explain the termite walking into a bar joke?
“Where is the bar tender?”, as in, ‘tender’, not ‘tough’. Because they eat wood, see? and bars are made of wood?
How do you get down off an elephant?
You don’t. You get down off a duck.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
You neak up on him!
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
The tame way, you neak up on him!
Those two jokes never fail to make me giggle like a five year old.
What do you say to a bassplayer at your door?
How much was the pizza again?
This was a joke Garrison Keiller mentioned on his Public radio show A Praire Home Companion, which was originally- he says- a cartoon in The New Yorker. I believe I remember that episode, too. It was winter time again in Lake Wobegon…
Captain Bravo was renowned for his bravery in leading the men on his ships. One day, a pirate ship appeared on the horizon. Captain Bravo said “Bring me my red shirt!”
His red shirt was fetched, his men fought bravely, and the pirates were defeated.
The next day, two pirate ships appeared on the horizon. Captain Bravo said “Bring me my red shirt!”
His red shirt was brought, his men fought bravely and the pirates were defeated.
When the fighting was done, his first mate asked him,“Captain, why do you ask for your red shirt before battles?”
The captain said “That way, if I’m wounded, you won’t be able to see the blood and you’ll fight on as hard.”
The next day, five pirate ships appeared on the horizon. Captain Bravo turned to his men and said “Bring me my brown pants!”
Two nuns decide to go bicycling into town one day. They spend the day exploring the town and seeing the sights, and have such a wonderful day that they lose track of the time. Knowing they’ll get into trouble at the convent if they get back after dark, the older nun says, “I’ve done this before- there’s a back way we can take. It’s a shortcut.”
The younger nun agrees, and the two turn onto a back road, and then down an alley. It’s an older part of town, and the roads are very rough. Still, though, it looks as though they’ll get back to the convent in time.
The younger nun says, “I don’t recognize any of this. I don’t believe I’ve ever come this way before.”
The older nun: “It’s the cobblestones.”
A polar bear cub asks his dad, “Am I a polar bear?”
Dad says, “Of course you’re a polar bear.”
Cub asks again, “Are you sure I’m 100% polar bear, there’s not maybe a grizzly bear in our family history?”
Dad says, “No son, you are a pure-bred polar bear. Why do you ask?”
Cub says, “Because I’m freezing my fuckin’ nuts off!”
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
One of his colleagues whispers, “Say something.”
The dean sighs and says, “I should have taken the money.”
Personally, “The CLown Joke” is my favorite, because you can take about an hour and a half to tell this really long joke with a huge build up, and then a zinger that just sucks! I love it…being able to drag people along with you anticipating something big and then hitting them with a big ol’ “Poop”. The same can be said for “The Pink Joke.”
Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducked.
I hate that “Clown Joke”! I recall being told that joke about 20 years ago by a fella who was sitting in a heated car while I was outside in the freezing cold late at night. He must’ve built that friggin’ joke up for about 7 to 8 minutes before he let go with that stupid punchline.
I’ll never forget it though.
Q: Why are elephants big and grey and hairy?
A: If they were small and white and smooth, they would be aspirin.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mouse?
Elephant Mouse Sine Theta.
A moderator walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender asks, “Where did you get THAT?”
The duck looks down at the mod and then says to the bartender, “Doesn’t everybody have one?”
Two men walk into a bar…
which is kinda funny because you’d think the second guy would have seen the first one do it.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What’s better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.
(I don’t tell that one, I just like it).
Eric
This I learned on an oil rig in the 80’s and I chuckle still…
Bubba decided to go to England so he could participate in one of those fancy 'ol Fox Hunts.
He travels over on a real live airplane and them fancy English types meet him and take him out to the lodge.
They set him up with some fine fox hunting clothes, tweeds mostly, a nice vest and a right pretty horse.
Just before they take off across the English countryside to fox hunt, they tell Bubba to be shure and holler out loud and proper if he sees the wily beast.
They then proceed across the lovely scape and shure enough, Bubba sees that fox first and he hollers out.
The buglers respond, the contingent chases and finally dispatches the fox. After it’s all over, one of those proper English types rides back over to our friend.
“Mister Bubba” he says. "Whenever you see the prey, the proper yell is “Tally ho, the fox!”, not “Dere da motherfucker go!”
A guy walking along the beach comes across a magic lamp and rubs it - poof! - out pops a genie. “I’ll give you three wishes,” says the genie.
The guys says, “great! I want to be really good looking, so handsome all the girls will want me.” “Are you sure you don’t want to wish for world peace or something?,” asks the genie, but the guy insists, and - poof! - the guy is turns into this really hot stud.
“For my second wish, I’d like to be really rich, the richest guy in the world.” “You sure you don’t want to cure cancer or something?” the genie asks, but the guy insists, so - poof!- the guy is wallowing in riches.
“For my third wish…” “Wait, be really careful what you ask for, this is the last one you get,” warns the genie. “Yeah, yeah,” says the guy, “For my third wish, I want my dick to touch the floor.” The genie sighs… “Come on, it’s my wish,” the guy insists, and - poof! - both his legs fall off.
Why did the cat fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the monkey.