A South Carolina redneck passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow. She can’t touch it until she’s fourteen.
Folks in Georgia now go to the movies in groups of 18 or more. They were told “17 and under are not admitted.”
They have just raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32. They want to keep booze out of the high schools.
In Mississippi, reruns of “Hee Haw” are called documentaries.
You know you’re staying in a Kentucky hotel when you call the front desk and say, “I’ve gotta leak in my sink” and the person at the front desk says, “Go ahead! You paid for the room.”
Tennessee has a new $3,000,000 State Lottery. Yeah, the winner gets $3 ayear for a million years.
A law recently changed in South Carolina now states: “When a
couple gets divorced, they’re still brother and sister.”
The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas is I-40.
An Alabama state trooper stopped a pickup truck. He asked the
driver, “Got any ID?” The driver said, “Bout what?”
Sister Mary was asking all the little boys and girls what they wanted to be when they grew up.
Little Imelda was first “I want to be a nun, just like you sister”
Sister Mary smiles
then came little John “I want to be a Priest like my uncle”
Sister Mary smiles
round the class they went
“i want to be a shopkeeper like my daddy”
“I want to be a teacher like my mummy”
“I want to be a bookie like my brother”
Sister Mary smiles at each child.
Finally it comes to little Anne-Marie,
“I want to be prostitute like my sister”
Sister Mary crosses herself and stammers “What did you say child?”
Anne-Marie answers “I want to be a prostitute”
Sister Mary smiles in relief
“Praise the lord- I thought you said Protestant!”
I just heard this one the other day. It cracked up an entire audience.
A cruise ship carrying people from all walks of life had a shipwreck, and there were only three survivors. No sooner had they washed up on a nearby deserted isle than they were surrounded by hungry cannibals. The chief told them that they would be cooked and eaten, but they could rest assured that the tribe would use every part of their bodies – the bones would be made into utensils and weapons, their teeth into jewelry, and their skin into nice waterproof linings for the savages’ canoes. “But first, we understand that it is tradition among your people to offer a last wish. So you may each state your last request before we put you in the pot.”
The first captive, an Englishman, says that he would like to see a picture of the Queen before he dies. So the cannibals come up with a picture of the Queen (presumably from another shipwreck), he gazes at it tearfully, and into the pot he goes.
The next man, a Frenchman, asks for an accordian. They find him one from their stockpile of shipwrecked goods, he plays a beautiful version of the Marsellaise, and then he joins the Englishman in the pot.
The third man is a cabbie from Boston, and he asks for a fork. “A fork?” says the surprised chief. “Yeah, I want a fork.” So they go into their stash of flatware and bring him a fork. He takes the fork and (you’re supposed to mime this) stabs himself all over his chest: “Here’s your watertight canoe, pal.”
Ok…could someone please explain Lightnin’s joke about the two nuns and the shortcut to me? I’ve read the joke like 6 times and I just do not get it! Argh
Sherlock Holmes and Watson decide to take a camping holiday. After seting up the tent, building a fire, roasting a couple of steaks and enjoying a couple of pints, they crawl in their tent, into their sleeping bags and go to sleep. Some time later, Holmes wakes Watson up. “Quick, Watson, look up and tell me what you see!” “well, chronologically, I can see that it’s approximately 3AM, meteorologically, I can see that tomorrow will dawn clear and bright, and astrologically I can see that the moon is in Aquarius. Tell me old chap, what do you see?” to which Holmes replies, “Watson, you dumb shit, someone’s stolen our tent!”
Two old farmers, a-settin’ on the porch…
One says, “Y’know, Caleb, between the two of us, we have heard just about every sheep-humping joke them city fellers cared to tell. But ya know what really honks me off?”
A man is sitting in his living room having a beer and watching TV. Someone knocks at the door. He gets up and opens the door. There is a young man standing there. He says, “Hi I’m Freddy, I’m here to pick up your daughter Betty, We are going out to have spaghetti”. “Is she ready?” Well the man goes to see if Betty is ready and Betty is ready so her and Freddy go out to have spaghetti. The man sits down and has another beer and starts watching TV again. A little while later another knock comes at the door so he gets up and answers the door. There is another young man at the door and he says, “Hi I’m Joe, I’m here to pick up your daughter Flo. We are going to the show”. “Is she ready to go?” Well the man goes to see if Flo is ready to go and she is ready to go so Flo and Joe go to the show. The man sits back down and has another beer and starts watching TV. Another knock comes at the door so he gets up and opens the door. Thare is snother young man at the door. He says, “Hi My names Chuck” The man looks at him and says, “YOU GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE”