An old man is sitting on his porch, when he sees a young man with a lot of duct tape walk by “Where ya headin, boy?” hollers the old man. “Gonna take this duck tape and catch me some ducks!” says the boy. The old man shakes his head at the stupidity of this, but says nothing. A couple of hours later, the boy passes by again, and he has caught about 2 dozen ducks!
The next day, the boy passes by with a butterfly net. “Where ya goin, boy?” asks the old man. “Gonna get me some butter!” says the boy. Again, the man shakes his head, but says nothing. A couple of hours later, here comes the boy, a two pund crock of fresh butter in his net.
The next day, the boy walks by with a bouquet of pussy willows. “Hey boy, mind if I come with you?”
A kindergarden teacher told her class that she wanted to have them go to the chalk board and draw a picture and then describe it using the word beautiful. A little boy goes to the board and draws a picture of a mountain and a lake with a tent and a firepit. He says, “This is where I go camping with my family in the summer and it is very beautiful”. The teacher tells him what a good job he has done and the little boy sits back down. Then a little girl gets up and draws a picture of a house with flower boxes on it and smoke coming out of the chimney and a swingset in the yard. She says, “This is my house where I live with my family and it is very beautiful”. The teacher tells her what a good job she has done and the little girl sits back down. Then Little Johnny gets up and goes to the chalk board. He takes the chalk and slams it into the board with his fist. The teacher looks at him and asks, “What’s That?” He says “It’s a period”. The teacher asks him “What’s beautiful about that?” Little Johnny replies, “I don’t know but my big sister came downstairs last night and said she hadn’t had one in 2 months and my dad said, BEAUTIFUL, JUST FUCKING BEAUTIFUL.”
Another Little Johnny joke…
The teacher was in the midst of a spelling lesson, when she asked for a volunteer to spell a word beginning with “A”… Little Marie stood up and said “I know, I know! Apple. A-P-P-L-E.”
“Very good, Marie. Now, can somebody spell a word that begins with “B”?”
Little Bobby stood up and said “I know, I know! Butter. B-U-T-T-E-R.”
An so on through the alphabet until the teacher reaches “W”.
She asks “Now, can somebody spell a word that begins with “W”?”
Nobody volunteered, so she said "How about you, Johnny, can you spell a word that begins with “W”?
He thought about it for a moment, then replied “Womb. W-O-M-B.”
The teacher said “Very good, Johnny, that’s where babies come from, right?”
“No” he said. “That’s the sound of two elephants fucking. WOMB! WOMB! WOMB!”
2 peanuts were walking down the road and one was assaulted
A young boy and his father are in the park when they happen to see two dogs mating.
“Dad,” asks the boy, " What’re those dogs doing?"
“Well, son,” says the dad, “They’re making puppies.”
“Oh,” says the boy, seeming to pay no more attention.
Later that night, the young boy wants a drink of water and goes to his parents’ room. He opens the door and interupts his mother and father enthusiatically having sex.
“Dad,” the boy asks quietly, “What’re you doing?”
“Ah…, we’re making a baby, son,” says the dad.
The son replies, “Mom, could you roll over. I’d rather have a puppy.”
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his
deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the man’s pecker. Angrily the woman tosses the pecker out the window of the car.
Driving behind the car is a fella in a pickup truck with his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the pecker smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, “Daddy what in the heck was that?”
Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender
age, the father replies, “It was only a bug, honey.”
The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute she
says, “Sure had a big dick!”
My favorite joke of all time:
A man is walking through the Amazon Rain Forest when he stumbles into the middle of some angry-looking natives, all brandishing spears. “Oh, crap! I’m screwed!” he thinks to himself.
Then he hears a little voice in his head. “You’re not screwed,” says the voice. “Pick up that big rock that’s in front of you and smash in the chief’s head.”
Not knowing what else to do, the guy hefts up the rock, then charges toward the native who is obviously the chief, yelling at the top of his lungs. He crushes the chief’s skull with the rock, who crumples to the ground, dead. The rest of the natives stand around, shocked.
The little voice says, “NOW you’re screwed!”
OK I do not take any credit for thinking up this one but I did chuckle when I heard it.
What do a priest and K-Mart have in common ?
Both have young mens underwear half off.
A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his trousers.
“Geez, that must be annoying”, says the barman,
So the guy says: “Yeah, its driving me nuts”
Buddum Tss.
Little Mary was curious about something she saw on one of Mommy & Daddy’s cable channels.
“Mommy, what are those people doing when the man lies on top of the woman like that?”
“Well, Mary, that’s where babies come from,” says her mom.
“Oh,” says Mary. “Well, how about a few nights ago, when I walked into your room and you were kissing Daddy’s private parts?”
“Well, Mary, that’s where jewelry comes from.”
What comes after the cold and flu season?
The cold and flu World Series.