fed ex couldn't deliver this package

today i got a phone call from fed ex. with all of the threads recently about cursing, using names in vain, naming a spanish child, and the ilk, it was a rather twilight zone moment. i’m still grinning ear to ear about this call, so i have to post it.

as y’all know fed ex is headquartered in memphis, so a majority of the time you will get someone with a southern accent. so when reading the lines of the fed ex employee think midlevel southern accent. i have a bit of a new england accent that can go to charles winchester the third snootyness in times of great shock, stress, or emotion. think cw iii for my lines except for the first one.

me: “hello, this is the service center.”

fed ex: “hello, this is xx from fed ex, we are having trouble delivering your package to jesus.”

me: “i beg your pardon??!!” (def. cwiii)

fed ex: “your package to jesus. it was sent out on sept. 7th. we are having trouble delivering it.”

me: “ooookay, what exactly is the problem?”

(belive me hundreds of things to say are flying through my mind. the woman on the phone was being totally matter of fact about it. so i don’t think it is a crank call. i am utterly baffled, because i don’t remember sending out a package to jesus. there are about 200 people in the office here… and well, one of them could have cracked. so i just play along and hope to figure out where this is going)

fed ex: “our courier says it is a bad address, the company has moved. there is no forwarding address, and the phone number doesn’t work.”

me: “indeed. does the package state for whom jesus works ?”

(still thinking things like, well, his last known address WAS jerusalem??!! and yes the name of another overnight company did tickle my fancy. i start to stomp on my foot to keep from laughing)

fed ex: “yes, the c.r.y. group.”

me: “the cry group, that does sound familiar.” (a bell is going off in my head… i’m beginning to see where this is leading.) “under references, is there a name printed?”

fed ex: “yes, resnik.”

me: (the light dawns, i now know to whom the package is addressed) “is it possible that the package is addressed to
(my best spanish, no new england) jesus primanueva?”

fed ex: “yes, that’s possible.”

me: “you are sure that the company has moved?”

fed ex: “yes, jesus is not at this address.” (she totally ignored my best spanish and is still saying his name in english.)

me: “i’ll speak to mr. resnik and see if i can get an address correction for you.” (i have extreme pain in my foot from stomping on it so i don’t laugh in this woman’s face. jesus is not at this address, indeed.)

fed ex: “so, you will call back with a new address?”

me: “yes. i will call back. thank you for calling my attention to this package.” ( a week later, good grief, fed ex, that’s the best you can do?)

fed ex: “your welcome. bu-bye”

me: “good day.”

well, i hung up the phone and just burst out laughing. my assistant gave me the usual “off your rocker again” look. i told him: “you would not believe that call.” of course i had to tell him the whole story. i then go looking for resnik.

turns out he is in a meeting for the next two hours. i tell his podmates to tell him that his package to jesus has a wrong address on it and to call me, unless one of them knows the right address. lots of laughter ensues. i then try to think of who else worked on the project with him.

i go to cynthia and explain the problem; after more laughter cynthia only has an email address for him. turns out not only did this company move, they changed their name and telephone number. no one can remember where the letter that has the new info on it is. my last hope was the project manager, jose. i try to play this one straight. the story comes out anyway.

i tell fed ex to send the package back to us. there was quite a lot of joking and spontaneous laughter in our office this afternoon. i’m still grinning and laughing at it. southerners do have a way of saying jesus.

btw i did email mr primanueva, no answer as of yet.

Yes, all of us suthanurs shore can say Jesus…

My mother worked for an aswering service for several years and always had some good stories. Usually about how she talked to Eddie Murphy, Stevie Wonder, Willie Nelson, and the guy who played Eddie Munster.
She did have a message on someone’s voice mail that made the rounds in the office.
It was from some man who sounded somewhat Middle East or possibly a strange spanish accent…
“Yes! I know what you want… what what you need…” And it went on from there. I can’t remember what the guy said exactly, but it was some sort of ‘witnessing the lord on answering machines’ thing. He was extolling the virtues of following Jesus. Frankly, if I’d gotten that message in my voice mail, I’d not be going into that religion. Weird.

Too bad you didn’t get that conversation recorded, eh?
(I now have ideas of calling up Yankee places and posing as the FEDEX guy trying to deliver a package to Jesus. Thanks man.)

Ironic that they couldn’t find Jesus in the bible belt! :wink:

This story would have been very funny to me if the same thing hadn’t happened here in my office a few months ago. A woman who works with me almost paged overhead in the hospital for the family of Jesus (Jee-zus) Gonzales. We stopped her just in time. She’s a sweet lady but cultured, no. (When a guy working in the hospital told her his name was Jose, she spelled it Hosea.)

Actually, I think that most of the people in my office think that the world is flat and that it ends a few miles outside of town.

FedEx can’t deliver my package either. There are only a few ways to do so.

Btw, have you heard of something called “punctuation”? It makes a post sooo much easier to read. Especially capitalizing letters.