You know I have to state some things which always seem miscommunicated. So if I have a break up and I’m sad, it doesn’t mean my happiness is contingent on another’s approval. I mean I was the one who broke up with her. So how does that factor in to other’s evaluation of my neediness to be approved by others? If I just needed that approval in a relationship so badly, wouldn’t I have just kept taking the abuse?
Second: A good strong majority of people on this planet want acceptance and to be loved / love. There is no denying it’s a desire most if not all of us share. So yes we can be happy without it, but we still want it and feel bad when we don’t receive it. I don’t think we should feel bad about “wanting love”. It’s a normal desire. It doesn’t mean we don’t love ourselves even when looking for love from others. If we could be completely be happy without external love and validations, then we would have no reason to have social interactions or emotional relationships. I don’t like it when some binarily states I am “this one thing”. Yes I’m sad and angry, and yes I feel like I have done many things that should be deemed worthy of being loved by someone. It does not mean I don’t love myself, although at the current moment I am slow to get on my feet again.
My advice regarding martial arts: research what’s available in your area, and see what fits within your budget and schedule. Once you have a list of possibilities, look at the individual arts and see what appeals to you the most.
As for pure efficacy, something like mma is your best bet (possibly with something like escrima sprinkled in for the armed aspect), but efficacy is only one reason to choose an art. If you like striking, find a kickboxing gym and maybe take a bbj class once in awhile, or vice versa.
Traditional arts have some drawbacks, but a lot of people like the history, the structure and the whole ambiance of something Shotokan karate or aikido. If that’s you, go for it. But be wary of any place where there’s no live sparring.
I think that’s exactly what you should do. Then if you meet someone they are an addition to your already full life. They aren’t the source of your happiness, just one component. Living this way will make you more confident and thus, more attractive to others, also.
Well, it looks like she was right about that. It’s too bad she didn’t have the courage to end it herself. But regardless, you did the right thing by breaking up with her, so good job on that.
Well, you did say that she rejected you. It was after repeated rounds of this that you broke up with her. It seems like your present unhappiness stems from feeling chronically undesired and unfulfilled. Being the one to initiate a breakup doesn’t preclude feeling this way. Many of us have been there.
After investing your time and energy to a failed relationship, it’s pretty natural to feel sad, angry, and anxious. Part of getting over it means accepting these emotions as they come and talking yourself through them, not shaming yourself.
I think it is better to be alone than be with someone who won’t give you what you need, so maybe you should take a break from dating for a while? You could use this time to reflect on your approach to relationships and maybe come up with strategies that might serve you better in the future. I’m curious whether your history shows a pattern of rather one-sided relationships (I suspect so). If immaturity, poor communication skills, insecurity, self-centeredness, flakiness, or other negative qualities seem to consistently show up among women you’re dating, it’s worth asking yourself why this might be. It could be you need to move to place with a better selection or it could be you’re pursuing the wrong types of women.
Of course you should. So should everyone. Partly because you would be much happier while you’re single, but also for the sake of your future relationship(s) and your happiness while you’re in them.
It’s natural for most people to want a partner and love, want them very deeply. But it’s not healthy to feel like you MUST have a partner, like you can’t be happy without one. That’s a recipe for bad relationships. If you feel like you *need *a partner, then it’s very easy to get into a relationship for that reason, rather than because you really enjoy being with that specific person. And it’s really easy to stay in an unhealthy relationship because you feel like you couldn’t be happy single.
Looking at all the couples I know, without a doubt, the healthier, happier relationships are the ones where both people were fine being single.
I agree. greiving a relationship is so weird. Like…if I can be completely happy on my own…what am I greiving over then? Do you see the paradox? But I get it…today has been a better day. I’ll eventually get my head back where it was before I met her. Which was a very good place. I blasted out a good kettlebell routine. I’m still kicking ass in the fitness department. Makes me feel good.
I get the paradox, but it’s possible to grieve for a loss (and the ending of a relationship is a loss even if you’re the one who ended it) and still be aware that you can be happy without the thing you’ve lost. Like, you would grieve if your dog died, but you know it’s possible to live a full and happy life without a dog.
Your ex sounds like a bit of a headwrecker, by the way, so it’s not particularly surprising that your head is a bit wrecked.
I just want to add to the chorus of encouragement. You’ve done so much to improve your self and circumstances over the last couple of years, it is truly to be lauded. But we all have relapses. I’m just getting over a year-long relapse, in fact. I can’t speak for you, but one of the hardest and most liberating things I ever had to face was the fact that my depression is a lifetime deal. For whatever reason, this is the card we drew in the life lottery. Sometimes those negative feelings are going to dominate and sometimes we will have mastery over them. It’s just the way life is.
There’s nothing objectively wrong with you for feeling depressed, angry, or whatever. Your emotions are all human and natural and the longer I live the more convinced I am that humans really have no control over our emotions and it’s silly to beat ourselves up about them. But we do have a choice in how we deal with them.
On the subject of relationships, there may very well be patterns you need to change and maybe that will be the next step in your personal evolution.I can promise you that the pattern of abuse and rejection you’ve felt is by no means indicative of all or most women. Please do not become that guy, you are so much better than that, and I believe you will find what you are looking for if you just keep at it.
But I do have a word about relationships. I know a lot of people who are miserable because they are single and they have this fantasy in their head about how much better life would be if they only found the love of their lives. I’m not denying the power of love, it’s one of the realest and truest things I know, but it cannot protect you from life’s slings and arrows. No matter how great your love is you are still going to have life to contend with. More to the point, you will still have yourself to contend with.
I’m coming from the perspective of someone who had what I would call a near-perfect relationship for close to thirteen years, then I had a miscarriage and for a while – for too long – things fell apart. I slipped into a year-long major depressive episode that only exacerbated my relationship problems. My husband is a behavioral psychologist FFS and even he has his limits in terms of what he can do to support and help me. I know I’m lucky to have found love at such a young age, I’ve never been alone my entire adult life so I’m not claiming to understand how hard it is for you. But love is not a panacea and even the strongest love cannot endure all things. We are all so incredibly fragile.
Thank you. I’m sorry for you loss. Sometimes my problems seem so insignificant. It’s hard for me to believe sometimes I’m in the place I’m in in life. I feel I’ve worked so hard, harder than many, on becoming a better person, but without the result I’m looking for.
I think maybe I’ve worked so hard on myself that I’ve become too egotistical. I’d like to do some volunteering over Christmas. And maybe work on my music again. In my life I seem to get the most approval for my music activities over anything else. I haven’t done much with it over the past two years due to burnout (I remember my ex-partner from years ago telling me I loved music more than her. That may have triggered a change in me)
I went out last night to a show. I needed to get out cause the bad feelings of anger and depression were returning. It was a hard night cause some woman kinda brushed me off even though I wasn’t doing anything to advance on her (Maybe she picked up some vibes though). Or maybe I’m over reading. It did make me angry and I went home and punched my pillow for a bit. This new behaviour is concerning to me. But I was just so mad. My friend also got laid last night…everyone seemed to be getting attention but me. Just a rant. I know I can’t expect these things, but I guess I’m still weak right now.
I don’t know if this will be of help to you or not but for me this simple phrase I heard 25 years ago was a real life changer. I heard this on a talk radio show
" When we fall in love we actually fall in love with the way we feel about ourselves when we are in the presence of that other person".
I spent years deciphering this and learning how to apply it nearly all areas of my life and in all kinds of relationships. Just being aware of what is flipping your switches off and on and being aware of how you are causing others switches to be turned off or on can be a life changer.
Rejection and loneliness are some of the worst feelings, and the time of year may be making it worse. Make sure you are getting enough daylight, or full spectrum light. My advice is to dedicate some time to taking good care of yourself. Exercise and a good diet and get back to your music. Give yourself a month or two to mourn this breakup, and really think about what it is you want in a partner and how to go about finding that person, like maybe through shared interests or hobbies.
I know it sucks to be alone, but a lot of times when we get involved with people just so we aren’t alone, we choose badly, and wind up with people who are totally wrong and hurt us even more.