I met a woman in New Orleans in March of this year (2005), which was the culmination of four months of correspondence of different types, such as telephone, internet, and letters. Unfortunately, for many reasons, but primarily geography (I am in Kansas City, she is in Corpus Christi), it wasn’t meant to be. It also doesn’t help that geography kept us physically apart for months at a time; in fact, I couldn’t physically be with her again until just this last weekend. For those that are interested, this is the letter I composed on the airplane as I returned.
Monday, September 5, 2005
San Antonio, Texas, en route to Kansas City, Missouri
My Dear Felecia,
From my heart, I thank you for spending as much time with me as you could this weekend. Though I fear no amount of time with you will ever truly be enough, the time we spent together was special. Every minute was precious to me; this was why I was not sleeping. I was afraid that if I fell asleep, the time would pass too quickly and would slip away with the night. As you so well put it, our lovemaking, though unexpected and by no means a requirement, was indeed beautiful. To feel that passion once again, even though it was for the last time, was a wonderful, amazing gift and I thank you for it.
I know that you do not pine for me as you once did. I also know that it is because of changes in your life, and that you choose not to allow yourself to do so. Without question there is no benefit to it, and yet, in some ways, I pine for you. I completely understand your choice, for I make the same choice daily. I am not free to be with you, and so I choose not to dwell on things which cannot be reality. Regardless, I find that, deep inside, I miss you terribly every day, though I choose not to acknowledge it. Many of the things I miss about you are tied directly to our time together. I know that I shall never forget how you felt in my arms; the way I could completely enclose you, hold you against me, and feel your head on my chest. As we lay together, feeling our bodies in such close contact, though clothed, having you lay in my arms warmed my heart, and I was touched to know that you trusted me enough to stay there. I was thrilled to have you sleep with me and allow me to nuzzle and kiss you, to snuggle warmly together, constantly in contact in some form throughout the night. Though I am perpetually grateful that we made love, had it not happened, I would have somehow allowed our other intimacy to have sufficed. Trust me when I say, on very many levels, merely having you there was enough – and yet, somehow, it is never enough.
I will confess that there is considerable sadness on my part. I can’t use the word “hurt” because you’ve never done anything that really hurt me, but I will confess to sadness. It saddens me to know that I will never again be able to look into your eyes with passion, or touch your face or skin. Knowing that I will never again feel your lips on mine or your body in my arms is one of the most difficult realizations I’ve ever had to face, and it has brought many heated tears. Having to leave Texas without you today nearly broke my heart, and in some places, maybe it did. Missing the trace of your curves under my fingers, or no longer getting to recognize the gentle flush brought to your skin by my touch is all a part of missing you. The reality that someone else will someday get to experience those things with you is also quite difficult at times. Somehow, it pains me to know that you left feeling free, knowing that you were no longer emotionally encumbered to me, and knowing that seeing me again did not renew those emotions within you. It will pass, and I will go on, as have you, but my grieving for that part of our relationship, unfortunately, has only begun. In time, I will heal, but for the time being, I am a bit emotionally tender. Nevertheless, I have no regrets for having loved you, for I know that deep down, we are both somehow better for it.
I realize that this weekend confirmed and represented a closing of a chapter in your life. I ask you to please be patient as it takes me a little longer to turn that page. Our lives are indeed books that are written chapter by chapter, and new pages are created daily. I am flattered, grateful and privileged that you have allowed me to continue to participate in the next chapter. I can look back and can see that there were several pages where I was the key player and a critical component to the story, and it revives fond memories. As that story continues, and you continue to write me into the pages of your life, my hope is that the part I play will somehow continue to be significant.
Felecia, you are an amazing woman. I have indeed watched you change from someone with insecurity about her future, to a woman who makes her own future out of what she is given. I know that you tend to worry about disappointing other people, particularly me this past weekend, but I would not be disappointed in you. I might adjust some expectations, but never would I, nor could I, be genuinely disappointed in you. I know that you do not need me any longer as a safety net or security blanket. I am glad I was able to fulfill that role while you needed it. I could list the qualities that make you special and that make it easy for me to love you, but that is not the purpose of this letter. Understand though, that were I to list them, it would not be because I felt you needed affirmation of who you are, but that it would simply be a list of reasons why I found it easy to fall in love with you in the first place.
I love you without question and without reservation; never, ever hesitate to ask something of me, be it something you need to know, something you need to hear, something you need me to do, or something you want me to do. Above all else, if your love for me ever changes in any way, or for any reason, please tell me. Regardless of the cause, I will want to know.
This letter has already probably rambled on too long, but sometimes it is difficult to keep them short. I have so much that I want to say to you all of the time, that it would likely consume volumes of paper were I to write them all down. That task would be Herculean in scope, and impractical in one sitting, so you get my heart in tiny doses, a few pages at a time. Please understand that though I am no longer your security blanket, I am here for you. You can always turn to me as an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. If ever you find that you simply need someone to spend a quiet weekend with you, just to hug and snuggle and be comfortable, I will find a way to make it happen. I cannot be there for you every day in person, and that reality and its consequences are probably the most difficult issues with which I contend, but when I can be there, if I can, or if any way can be made both physically and emotionally, I will.
No matter what, you are loved in many ways, and on many levels, most of them deeply. The ways you have loved me, both now and in the past, are remembered and appreciated.
With my most sincere wishes for the best in your life,
Love,
- Me
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