After work, I’m going to drop off a letter professing my love for a man I’ve known for over a year now. Okay, it’s not quite that dramatic, but I make it very clear what I feel about him and how I hope that even if he doesn’t feel the same way, we can still be in each others’ lives. I also call him out on not giving me an answer about where we stand, but not in a confrontational way. (I had my sister read over it and she approves)
I’m nervous. I feel like I know him, but at the same time, I don’t know what he’s going to do with that information. And I kick myself for not being able to talk to him about it face to face. I tried but when I’m around him, I freeze up because there is too much at stake if it ends up being an awkward situation. I guess I’m too much of a chicken, so I have to do it by letter, but even that has me nervous because I know I won’t be able to see his reaction to this revelation. But whatever happens, I just have to get it out or I’ll drive myself insane from wondering what could have been.
Yeah… I know doing it in person is more genuine and will convey a better idea of exactly what I want to get out. But the reality of it is that we’ve been on this edge of awkwardness with each other for a while now and it seems like when I’m just about to bring it up (once I almost, ALMOST had to nerve to blurt it out but was interrupted by someone else) he excuses himself. Or when he broaches the subject, it flies over my head until I’m home hours later and I’m thinking about it, and then all of a sudden, I’m like “Oooooh… waitaminute… was that…?” And there are other things thrown in that are complicated but to cut the descriptive drama here… much of the awkwardness was due to us hanging out but neither of us knew whether it was hanging out as friends or hanging out as dates. And to be honest, I think he’s a bit of a chicken too. But god help me… it’s why I like him.
You could do it over an IM, that way you have the seeming spontaneity of revelation, but if he doesn’t reciprocate you could play it off as a joke due to lack of context in the Internet
(j/k, but I’ve had that pulled on me, and I sort of preferred it myself, since I did not reciprocate and it saved us both embarassment.)
Funny you should say that… we kissed once. I’m not exactly a passionate person, so it kind of faltered and it was only afterward that I realised I should have reciprocated the tongue. By the time of that revelation, and after much kicking myself in the ass, it was too late and too embarrassed to ring his door and do what I really should have done.
Right. So, he’s going to respond in writing, because he’s too chicken too. Then, the two of you are going to spend the rest of your lives writing each other because you’re too chicken to talk.
I don’t want to be discouraging, but if you can’t communicate about this in person, how are you going to work things out at all? If you can possibly make yourself go up to him and say something, you should do it.
If I get something back in writing… well, we’ll see what it says but then I’d have the nerve to call him if I knew what his answer was. For a while, I’d given up on this and moved on, but then realised that I never got the closure I needed to fully appreciate anyone else in my life. Even if it’s rejection, I just have to know before I can leave it behind and find happiness with someone else.
AuntiePam - we saw each other regularly for a while, but then I forced myself to focus on other things for a while. When I saw him after a bit of a hiatus, he said he’d been busy too. It could have been an ego thing or a legit thing, who knows? And it doesn’t matter. I said we should spend time together again, and he said he’d call me later that day. But then he never called… not even to say he was going to keep on being busy. I know, standard guy code for that means he’s just not that into me. But if that’s the case, I have to hear it before I’ll be satisfied.
Inigo Montoya - Whenever I see him nowadays, there are always other people around. Too chicken to say things to people’s faces, too chicken to kiss in front of other people. (Also part of the reason why I’m reluctant to say it in person because there is always someone hovering around.)
I’d like this to work out for you, but you appear to be interested in conducting it in the most agonizing way possible. Why not call or see him in person and get this worked out?
Find a reason to get him alone in the stairwell or an elevator. Or, you know, booth in a dimly lit restaurant. Hey, if it worked for me it can work for ayone.
I’m genuinely puzzled why you say a letter is more agonizing than speaking to him in person? I’ve tried calling him up for coffee and we always had a nice chat, but inevitably I never find the right opening to just launch into it. That’s just part of being the chicken that I am. It’s easier for me to express everything I need to get out by writing. I’m not exactly eloquent with speaking, but thrown in the fluster of trying to get my emotions out… I’d be lucky if I didn’t end up babbling.
But now I am starting to think I should email it rather than deliver the hand written letter, if I’m really going to do this by writing. I mean, who writes love letters anymore? That’s just a tad cheesy, huh?
If you tell him in person you find out where you stand. If you leave him a letter, you don’t know his reaction until he gets back to you, which means you get lots of time to wonder about what’s happening that would be better spent doing something else.
Look, it’s not that I’m the most daring person in the world when it comes to one-on-one interaction. But at a certain point you realize you need to stop waiting around and make something happen if you want it to happen. Maybe it won’t work out with this guy, but it’d be a good thing. You’re only making your own life more difficult by saying you “can’t” do this. You can, it’s just hard. My view is that after a while, when you say you can’t do something over and over and don’t try, it’s not that you can’t- you just won’t. It’s more of an excuse.
It’s more immediate, but still impersonal.
I’ve written a couple, but only to people I was in love with, not people I was trying to find out if I was dating. That’s a situation where a little more definitiveness is called for.
I was asked out in writing once, in high school. There were some low-level sparks already flying and I was looking for an opportunity to ask her out the same night. She didn’t want to wait, which was fine, but she was so shy she couldn’t do it herself. In fact, she couldn’t even write the note herself and had one of our friends do it. (Her name was spelled wrong, so that was a giveaway.) It set the tone for the whole relationship- not the note itself, but the fact that she was that reserved. I was pretty stupid too, but it didn’t work out for reasons that should be pretty obvious. She later became a good friend of mine and I miss her, but that kind of thing isn’t good for anybody.
You could read it to him in person. Or do what I do, generally because I know I won’t remember everything I want to say - write a simple outline and refer to your notes while you talk when you need to. I don’t know if this will help the chicken part or being too emotional to get through it, but maybe it’s doable for that, too.
If you’re too chicken to say something in person, wait until you’re brave enough to say something in person. I’m short on assertiveness myself and it’s ruining me. Please, please, please…just say it. I’m sitting here on top of tons of things I need to say to my husband and I’m “too chicken to say it in person.” I am not exagerrating when I tell you that you need to fix this problem or it will take its toll on relationships, your health and the chance for the happiness that you most certainly deserve.
