So out of interest, if you had kids, what would you want their last name to be? I ask because I’m in the ‘no change’ category, and I don’t feel that they should automatically take their dad’s last name - but then struggle to decide what naming convention will cause the least fuss.
While the name change would be weird, I’d probably go ahead and do it if I liked his last name more than mine (which is short and ugly and means something not-nice in German, so that’s not requiring a whole lot). It’d also make things easier if kids ever came into the picture, so what the hell.
Unless, that is, I’d already built up an important professional identity of some sort. Then I’d probably go by his name in social settings and on bills and such but keep my name for professional purposes.
No way. It was never even a question in my mind. I feel very strongly about this (for myself, I don’t care what other people decide to do). I have a pretty bad surname too, as it rhymes with a couple of unfortunate insults, but that didn’t change anything in my mind.
My husband and I discussed creating a new surname, and both changing to that, but we ended up just trying to one-up each other in creating the lamest surnames we could think of and never really took it seriously. My husband agrees 100% with my POV and is actually proud of me for not changing my name.
I’m contemplating going into graduate school, and at this point, I will probably make my name as the following when I become married: [my first name][my middle name][my maiden name] [his last name]. Regardless of whether I end up getting past a bachelor’s degree, I’d still like to “keep” my own last name while taking on his. There are quirks and difficulties involved in possessing either last name, but mine is the trickier of the two for people to properly spell and pronounce. Anglicized Russian surnames can be tough, especially when one’s only a fragment of the original.
I didn’t. It was partly liking my name, and being “known” by it professionally. But it was also laziness. My husband minded that decision, however, more than I had predicted. We informally agreed that when we had kids, I’d do it then, but he’d have to help me with all the paperwork and hassle.
Our child will be 6 years old in two months, we still haven’t changed it. Inertia is a big force in my life.
It’s not really anything political, for me. I realize it’s a bigger identity statement for some people and I respect that. I just don’t have the same strong feelings. I actually use my husband’s name for some things and am never offended to go by it, even when it strips off my academic title. They’re both my names, in my mind.
The only hassles I’ve had have involved making sure my son’s school can figure out who my checks are meant for, renting cars (they didn’t want to give the spousal priveleges), and having a store not let me pick up a repaired electronic component that was listed under my spouse’s name. At the latter, I produced a museum membership card showing our side-by-side names and the guy relented.
If I had a super cool last name, I would definitely keep it. Since I don’t care for my last name at all and my boyfriend has a very nice last name, I consider this my chance to “trade up.” My first name and my boyfriend’s last name sound very nice together.
When I got married 25 years ago, I was glad to take my husband’s surname. I use my former maiden name as a middle name (no hyphenation). This benefits me in two ways: I was able to jettison my old middle name, which I hated, and I gained a last name that is difficult to misspell. My maiden name was almost always misspelled or mispronounced. Now my name is very ordinary, and nobody asks me to spell it.
My sister kept her maiden name after she married. Different names for different dames. I don’t think there’s any one “right” way to do this.
You know, I’m in the exact same boat. I’m one of twelve in NA with my last name. I love the name, but it’s thirteen letters long. Not a problem if I just wanted to keep it, but (for the solidarity reasons) I’d want to hyphenate it. That would put me (and my poor Hiklicbaejufkslcsdvnsjk-Frail children) at a ridiculous level of pretentious-namery.
I’m generally pretty liberal and am all about equal rights (I make more than Mr. Frail and have no problem with “wearing the pants”), but I get upset when other women, trying to be more progressive than me, are critical of my choice. I’m getting what I want, and my future husband’s name isn’t a mark of the patriarchy holding me down, it’s something I want to do because it feels right. If my last name were something like Jones, we’d probably be the Jones-Frails–him, me, and all future kids.
I don’t especially care for my last name so I wouldn’t mind taking any future wife’s last name or even “creating” a new last name for us. But both of those options are unfortunately too unconventional to ever implement ;).
Husband here.
Since I never had any intention of taking my wife’s name, it seemed unfair to ask her to take mine. So we both just kept our own. This seems right; she is herself, not Mrs. Me.
Oddly, although my (rather conservative) parents were very accepting of my wife’s choice to keep her name, her own (rather liberal) parents can’t seem to get the hang of it, sending mail to “[FirstName] Thorp” or “[FirstName] [MaidenName]-Thorp.”
Yes, I took it. Partly because I’m a traditional kinda gal, partly because my dad’s a jerk and I want to be as far removed from his name as possible. (When he finally does get in the news via Doing Something Horrible [and he will, I’m sure, just to piss me off], I don’t want anyone to know I’m his offspring.)
If I got divorced tomorrow, I’d still keep Mr. Carmichael’s name rather than go back to my maiden name, even if we’d never had kids.
My wife is Japanese. When we got married, we both kept our names. When we have kids, she’ll take my last name in the US and I’ll take hers in Japan… the kids will be likewise named. It’s mainly for practical reasons; many things become easier in both countries that way.
I kept my name. Changing it wouldn’t have made me feel any more like a family, or more married, or felt like a show of solidarity, so it seemed like a whole lot of work and hassle for no benefit whatsoever. Besides, I like my name. It’s nothing special, but it’s mine. It’s the one thing I’ve had since the day I was born. My parents spent a lot of time picking it out, and they certainly didn’t spend hours thinking about what would sound nice with his last name. I thought about hyphenating, but that would have been about as much work as changing it outright. Besides, he wouldn’t have hyphenated his, so we would have still had different names, which would defeat the purpose.
Weirdly enough, he and my grandma are about the only people in either family who didn’t disapprove of my decision. If I’d had professional degrees or an established business career, or been willing to use his last name socially, people wouldn’t have said boo. But since I don’t, I evidently don’t have a valid excuse for wanting to keep my own name. :rolleyes:
I’m due to change names in the summer, but I agree with a lot of people here on both sides of the debate.
First let me say that job-wise it won’t have any effect - I don’t have a portfolio of clients/patients who need to know I’m still me or anything. Nor is it really a question of the name dying out.
So, currently I’m double barrelled and I’ve never liked that aspect of my surname much - it seemed pretentious at times, or confusing - foreigners often shorten it to the first half whereas I often just use the second half, the ‘middle’ bit is masculine and a couple of people have expected me to be a man as a result etc. but … well at the end of the day there are only four of us with this name* - Dad, who pushed over a middle name to create it, Mum and Bro. It’s been me for over thirty years and I like the obvious ethnicity of Jones (although yes there are a lot of English Joneses too).
So, yes, i think there will be a bit of regret there.
But - I’m starting a new phase of my life, a new role and I think I want the world to know that “Yes, I AM his wife”.
(To be honest the real problem is more linked to my first name, I’m the only one since forever in my family but, ignoring a slight ‘t’ versus ‘th’ pronunciation difference, I’ll become almost lost in the crowd when I join his clan - I’ve only twice met someone with my exact first name and so that is ‘me’ much more than my surname.)
Having said all that it was still a shock when his Mum said to me yesterday “So Catrin, you’ll be Mrs X like me then” :eek:
Girl from Mars - you might be interested to know that the law has recently changed here in France to allow couples the freedom to choose between giving the children their father’s name or their mother’s.
*actually not true there is even another one in Paris but there aren’t that many Welsh surnames and people often ‘make up’ compound versions in an attempt to differentiate.
For me, it’s too late. I wanted to keep things simple, remember? 
I agree with pinkfreud that there is no one “right” way to do this.
You have to do what works for you.
It is interesting to see the many different ages/stages/reasons behind everyone’s name decision.
I wouldn’t change my name. I have a hyphenated last name that’s always been something of a hassle, but I honestly think my mom would be hurt if I changed it, after they went to all the trouble of coming up with the appropriate name for me and my sister. (My sister and I are the only people I know who have the same last name as their mom and not their dad - my mom is also hyphenated, but my dad just has his own name.) Neither of my parents have any brothers and then my dad had only daughters, and no one else in the family hyphenated, so for them it was also partially the desire to pass both names on to the next generation.
Incidentally, asking someone with a hyphenated last name if they’d tack on another name upon getting married is neither original nor funny. Oh, if I had a dollar for every time someone asked me that…
It’s probably a moot point anyway, though, so I’m not concerned. If I ever have kids they’ll get both ends of the hyphen, I imagine.
Taking my husband’s name was a difficult choice for me, I fought it at first but relented once I got married.
My father died when I was 11 and I only have a sister who has taken her husband’s name. I wanted to keep it in tribute to my father, there’s only one male in the family to pass the name on. But I saw how much it meant to my husband and decided I do not need my maiden name to carry on my father’s memory. So we decided if we ever have a son, he will take my father’s first name.
I was surprised how quickly I adjusted to it. Now anytime mail comes with my maiden name or someone refers to me by my old name, it’s really weird. I don’t mind it anymore. It is legally, fully changed as well. It also makes me feel pretty good when this little brat who’s obsessed with him (has been for years) is around, I will play up the Mrs. Bitterness Comes Standard. I know she hates the fact that he’s off the market and will never be hers! Ha ha!
I kept my name, and have never regretted the decision. My first name is Amanda, which, while pretty, is oh-so-generic. It also has connotations that I don’t really think “match” me–it’s pretty and sweet, and I am really not either. My last name, on the other hand, is simple but unusual, and I find it athestically pleasing–I’ve always identified more with my last name than my first. Plus, I am a teacher, and so am called by my last name 100X more often than by my first. So I would have been losing the part of my name that made me into me, if you see what I mean.
Kid(s) will probably have his last name, with mine as a middle name. I don’t feel pressure to “preserve the name”, if for no other reason than that my brothers have 5 sons between them.
I have never run into any problems with keeping my name, and I don’t think my husbnad and I could possibly feel any more married.
Right. Coincidentally, both his name and mine are names that, while being both short and phonetic, no one ever pronounces or spells correctly… hyphenating would either be extremely pretentious, or an exercise in hillarity when telemarketers call.
I gave up my father’s last name when my stepfather adopted me. A year later, my mother and stepfather divorced, leaving me carrying the name of a man with whom I had no real connection. On top of that, my stepfather’s name was easily identified as being Jewish, and in the few years I had the name, I got first-hand experience with anti-Semitism (incidentally, you sound extra stupid when you’re walking around with a Jewish name and trying to fight anti-Semitism by announcing that you are not, in fact, Jewish - people on BOTH sides get pissed at you.)
My husband has a very common Irish-sounding surname. I was profoundly relieved to take it. Because of my weird paternity issues, if I am asked my maiden name now I give my MOTHER’S maiden name (which she reverted to after her third divorce.)