Fictional Events from a different persective

Mob Destroys Years Of Research
Yesterday, a crowd of villagers set science back years.

Mummy Still Missing, Archeologists Expected To Beat Charges With Insanity Plea

"Bethlehem, Isreal -

Poor woman gives birth; claims she’s still virgin."

Comedian Tim Wilson had a great take on this with his “Uncle BS” bit:

“Uncle BS, where were you December 24th, 1 hour BC?”

“Working as a part-time night desk clerk, North Star Motor Lodge, Bethlehem, Isreal. We’s all booked up. I’m trying to keep an eye on the front desk and stock the Doctor Pepper machine all at the same time. This guy walks in with a tired mule, a pregnant girlfriend, and a bad attitude. Tries to strongarm me into throwing a couple of Roman soldiers outta room 316. I told him, ‘Jesus Christ, man…we’re in the people-pleasin’ business, here.’”

Showman destroys half of New York city with publicity stunt. Army expected to sue Dehem over cost of cleaning up monkey guts.

You’ve never read Philip Jose Farmer’s After King Kong Fell?

Tour of Wonka Chocolate factory goes horribly wrong as four children die in painful and bizarre accidents. Wonka arrested on charges of negligent homicide. “We’ll add other charges later,” said the district attorney. The surviving child is being held as a material witness and a “person of interest,” according to investigators. Wonka is also charged with holding Oompa-Loompas agaisnt their will and making them sing terrible didactic songs.

-Dude, she’d have to be in heat year-round!
-I don’t care! Smurfs don’t lay eggs!
Blue Rodent and Mutant Vulpes Reek Havoc on Industry

Animal Cruelty Charges Pressed Against a Trainer Known Only as “Red”
“He left a trail of battered and bruised animals everwhere he stepped, especially in high grass,” says Officer Jenny.

Police Seek Green-Clad Pointy Eared Bandit
“He came in here and started tossing my pots, opening my treasure chests, and laying bombs,” says a Kakariko Town resident. “I was so frightened all I could say was ‘I’m a farmer and I’m proud.’”*
*Yes, I know I’m mixing my RPGs and yes, I stole a lot of that from Adventurers!

You forget, “Gale steals heirloom slippers under direction from criminal mastermind North, is abetted by stolen mannequin, robot, and escaped zoo animal.”

“Hunt continues for fugitive murderer while self-described ‘Munchkin’ extremists conspire to conceal her.”

“Fugitive holds up in ‘Emerald City’ compound run by warlord “Wizard”, undisclosed amounts of explosives and incindiaries inside.”
How about, “Distressed widower preyed upon in apartment by neighborhood voyeur and friends. Mail and personal effects illegally searched by overzealous police.”
Or: “Authorities attempt to bring order and end corruption in Moroccan city of Casablanca foiled by arms smuggler, racketeer, and international fugitive posing as a saloon owner, aided by corrupt local officials. Terrorist instigators flee with stolen ‘Letters of Transit’ leaving Army Colonel Strasser, father of five, dead at airport. Usual suspects offer no leads.”
And “British-backed suicide bombers cause explosion at security checkpoint in Navarone. Three suspects wanted in connection with blast.”
“Alien corpse stolen by juvenile delinquents, used to violate laws physics.”
“British provocateur defies philanthrops plan to bring peace, order to humanity, destroys multimillion dollar research lab in Swiss Alps.”
“Human agents lobotomize infallible computer in attempt to prevent completion of research mission. Russia, world leaders demand investigation into coverup.”
“In today’s Fight For Your Rights segment, we look at insurance companies that refuse to pay up on double indemnity claims, former salesman, widow to testify.”

Stranger

I haven’t. I heard rumors about “Son of Kong” though…

Ape-decended biped and independent journalist conspire with fugitive ex-Galactic President and rogue astrophysicist to stall heroic Vogon Constructor Fleet from preventing destruction of Universe. Former Magrathean planet designer known only by alias “Slartibartfast” sought in questioning. Beached whale and shattered bowl of petunias are being examined by forensic scientists for clues. Demolished planet recently upgraded to “Mostly harmless” by HG2G.net. In travel: tips for travelers; Dentrassi cooks offer free passage to stowaways; survival in open space limited to 30 seconds.
Galactic fugitives still on the loose; wanted for hijacking of music artist’s stuntship, nonpayment of bills. In religion: Jatravarted fear “Great White Hankerchef” apocalypse; author Colophid dismisses fears as “not worth a load of fetid dingo’s kidneys.” In technology: digital watches “not all that neat” say trendsetters.
No leads on whereabouts of Galactive fugitives after furious chase ends up in starcrash. In health news: entire population of Planet Golgafrenchem wiped out by virulent disease contracted from dirty phone. Authorities investigating disappearance of phone santiziers, hairstylists, marketing executives. In science, researchers discover primative race not cave-dwellers. In offbeat: entity Hactar misplaces sofa in space-time wash, blames eddies.
Trail is cold on galactive fugitives. Accounts of appearance at airborne “party ship” unverified. Meanwhile, space transport delivering protesters organizing against destruction of Cathedral of Chalsam undergo gratuitious total existance failure. In sports: Krikkit team defeated by Warwickshire after devestating opening; sports analysts blame sudden, inexplicable apathy. In local news: unidentified corpse found in mountain retreat, known to neighbors only as “Arajag”.
Galactic troublemakers still on loose; dolphins questioned, offer only cryptic gratitude for fish. In travel news: remote, insignificant blue-green planet on outer Eastern Rim upgraded from “mostly harmless” by HG2G.net; tourists say, “boring, remote, provincial”. In religion: God’s Last Message To Creation disputed by theologins, “Must not be interpreted literally,” says cleric; bestselling author Colophid to write new book, “Babel Cypher” based on controversy.

Stranger

Wiccan Burned Alive by Thieving YouthsCulprits Found by String of Bread Crumbs Leading to their Home and a Room Filled With Remnants of Victim’s Home

Queen Breaches Contract With & Kills Little Person Who Spun Straw Into Gold to Save Her Life* Nevertheless Proclaimed a Heroine in Autocratic Nation State*

(excerpted from the New York Times)

Homeland Security raid reveals hidden metahuman training base 50 miles from NYC

Government officials showed startling footage of a vast underground bunker constructed beneath a “school for the gifted” founded and built by secretive billionaire Charles Xavier, aka “Professor X,” apparently as a front company.

Reportedly, agents found advanced military training equipment, medical facilities, uniforms, thousands of gallons of fuel, fleets of cars and motorcycles, and what seemed to be a cargo helicopter landing platform camouflaged as a tennis court.

FBI sources indicate that upon investigation, there was evidence of falsified records for many of the academy’s students, most of whom are underage. Authorities fear that the children may have been kidnapped and subjected to militant mutant indoctrination.

Most of the mutant personnel managed to evade capture, and are still at large. Law enforcement officials warn that the mutants may be extremely dangerous, and ask that any suspicious metahuman activity in the New York area be reported to police immediately.

Robocop Back And Better Than Ever

Omni Consumer Products unveiled their Robocop program to great acclaim just a few weeks ago. They had created a new and better police officer. Stronger, faster, and smarter, Robocop was the cop of the future. Then, on the same day a prototype law enforcement robot suffered malfunction at OCP headquarters and had to be removed from a stairwell by a crane, Robocop disappeared. The chairman of OCP reassured us “Our hardworking scientists found that Robocop wasn’t running at 100%. The public wouldn’t even have noticed the difference. But, our scientists did and we don’t release any thing that isn’t the very best.” He also told us that Robocop would be back soon and better than ever.Some skeptics alleged that Robocop had suffered a serious malfunction, or even been destroyed.

Today, those skeptics were proven completely wrong. Robocop made a spectacular return to duty. For the past few weeks, an ED 209 has been guarding the main entrance to OCP headquarters. Today, all that remains of that droid are the legs. The chairman explained “The ED 209 is huge. It stands over 9 feet tall. It’s strong. It can easily lift a car. It’s fast. It can run at speeds up to 60 miles per hour. And, it packs fire power. Each arm contains a fully automatic rifle. But, in today’s training excercise, Robocop totalled it in under 20 seconds.” That isn’t even the big news from OCP headquarters. "A terrorist broke into a board meeting. Richard Jones attempted to overpower the man. He was, tragically, killed. I knew I couldn’t defeat an armed terrorist. But, I know somebody who is stronger, faster, tougher and smarter than any criminal. I used my computer to summon Robocop. I and the other board members owe our lives to this hero. Just like I promised, he’s back and better than ever! " Robocop refused to answer questions, saying that he had a job to do.

Referencing the Mythos (Innsmouth?)-
“ACLU leadership visits detention camps, withdraws civil rights suits”

Ha! Except that there are tons of X-Man stories (including X2) that go practically exactly like that.

Tale of Inspector Legrasse, “Call of Cthulhu”

Can you give a link to that specific article? Couldn’t find.

Am I being whooshed? That was a reference to the famous documentary *The Terminator.

Word has it that documentarian James Cameron took many of the events out of context, conflated other scenes together, and even directed reinactments of critical scenes using actors in order to distort the true story. (Note “The Terminator”'s similarity in appearance to California Governor Schwartzenegger who was, prior to his political career, a minor actor in film. It’s also pretty clear that he used the same actor for both the alleged “freedom fighter” Tech Sgt. Kyle Reese and Navy SEAL Lt. Coffey in his undersea drilling documentary, The Abyss.) See Sherry Sontag’s “Terminated with Prejudice: The Untold Story of Skynet”.

And people complain about Michael Moore. :rolleyes:

Stranger

(a note on the translation. This has been translated from concepts used by multidimensional beings not bound by space, time or any laws of physics. Attempts to render this interaction into English are inevitably a matter of poor metaphor and allusion. The “report” mentioned below, for example, is not a report as we would understand it in any way, but rather a transmission of information on a level fundamentally incomprehensible to us. Only the speech of “one” of the “two” beings here is translatable at all, even in the crude, metaphorical manner I attempt.)

"Sir, you summoned me?..

Yes sir, as outlined in the report.

But it’s all…Of course…very well. I’ll summarize it myself.

Well, he’s done it. He’s created a sentient species without authorization. His motives are unclear, but he appears to have done so for simple amusement. He requires that the beings worship him and obey him unconditionally. Yes sir, very monstrous. Fortunately he has an organism containing certain stimulators leading to the development of reasoning ability. He forbade ingestion of this organism, but my agent was able to convince the two progenitors of this species to consume these chemicals. The male was intitially to afraid to, but the female showed more courage and convinced the male to follow her lead. Unfortunately my agent was caught before completing the process of rationalization. He, well, he dissolved my agent’s limbs sir. Then he destroyed the being’s habitat, and turned them loose to a barren wasteland.

Yes, sir. He’s quite mad, sir.

I recommend that we take care of this species and arrest it’s creator. He is one of us and this species is now our responsibility…

Sir! I protest! basic [untranslatable: presumably a self-reference to the beings in question] decency requires that we take responsibility for this new sentience, authorized or not. Especially now that they are bereft of any patron, but the mad one, who is ignoring them out of spite!

Yes, sir…Of course…I didn’t mean to imply…Yes I realize the wars(?) are draining our [untranslatable] and that running an [untranslatable] reqires nearly all our resources now. But still…

Can we not at least arrest…I see. No, that’s true, I understand it’s just…

Well, let me make on final request. I still have some agents willing to help these pathetic beings. They have volunteered to enter the [untranslatable] and emerge in [untranslatable] four dimensional [untranslatable]. They will manifest as the members of the created sentient species. They will attempt to guide them as best they can, taching them science, philosophy, law and morality. Yes, they understand the mad one has agents of his own. They understand they will be vulnerable in [untranslatable: limited(?)] from, and will probably be persecuted and killed. They are still willing to do this. I would like to lead them.

Thank you sir! We’ll begin as soon as possible. This new sentience needs our help. I’ll lead the operation myself.

But sir!..very well. Then let me suggest someone else to lead the operation. His name is Lucifer.

Those are what I based it off of. (That an’ this.) Your point being…? :wink: