Fictional places you want to stay the F*#$ away from.

Imagine that the stars have aligned against us, and what we all fear has come to pass: Sarah Palin has been elected President, with Rick Santorum as her VP and Michelle Bachmann as new Speaker of the House.

Obviously most of the Dope will be needing trips off-world. Ordinarily I’d be the one providing htat, but not this time; the second a weeping Rachel Maddow appeared on MSNBC to call the election and then slit her own throat, I would have cravenly deserted this Earth with the wife, a few select family members, and the seven Dopers I need alive. (They each know who they are, though not necessarily who the others are.) (He who hesitates is eaten by orcs.) But though I and my companions will surely take most of the the cool stuff from the lair, there should still be a working space-time twister to be found. Sadly it’ll be locked on fictional worlds, and the recalibration controls are in my luggage.

What fictional locations would you absolutely refuse to go to? It can be either an entire fictional universe or a specific place IN that universe.

I will begin by recommending that no one go to the Dark Island mentioned in Voyage of the Dawn Treader. People sometimes go there deliberately when they hear that it’s the place where dreams come true, but they always regret it…and quickly. And even if I like you, I am not coming to get you outta there on account of it being in Aslan’s territory.

Anybody else?

The Lensman Universe. Any place where the Good Guys™ think nothing about using whole planets as projectiles is no place for little old me.

Most of the fictional places I’d most want to avoid are in the U.S.: Cabot Cove, Maine and Bon Temps, Louisiana, both of which have a 1 in 3 chance of being murdered on any evening.

For non worldly places:

Arrakis, Dune, Desert Planet comes to mind. Too much tribal politics and religious warfare plus I don’t do well in heat (though I understand it’s a dry heat).

Ditto Middle Earth: I could deal with the wizards but there are far too many attitudes.

Hogsmeade would be okay IF it’s post Voldemort’s destruction, though I’m not sure how they’d react to Muggle immigrants.

Middle-earth is fine as long as you give your destination some thought. You want Numenor very early in its history, or either Bree or Hobbiton a hundred years before the RingWar.

Oceania, from Orwell’s 1984. Out of the frying pan, into the fire, and all that. I’m not sure I’d mind Huxley’s Brave New World, though, assuming I could talk my way out of the reservations.

The titular planet from the Doctor Who fourth series episode “Midnight.”

Any of the towns in Stephen King’s Maine.

Craven smurf. Don’t you don’t want to go on a round of assassinations? I mean, can you think of anyplace else that needs suicide bombers MORE?

And Las Vegas. And Topeka. For that matter, let’s just throw out the entire King multi-verse.

Spatterjay, a planet featured in Neal Asher’s Polity series. Lots of really mean, really vigorous flora and fauna that really really wants to take a chunk out of you.

Innsmouth, Irem, R’lyeh, Yuggoth, Leng, blue-litten K’n-yan, red-litten Yoth and black, lightless N’kai . . .

Any universe inhabited by comic book super heroes.

Most fictional Hells – Dante’s Inferno, the Hell of Clive Barker’s Hellraiser Universe – are good places to avoid.

Hoth and Tatooine both seem like pretty miserable places.

Alderaan, unless I could be sure the Death Star won’t be popping by until after I’m dead.

On second thought, I’ll go the Alderaan; just give me at least ten Palin/Santorum/Bachmann-free years. It’ll be worth the price of getting blown up eventually.

Pyrrus

From the linked Wiki:

I don’t need any more information than that, frankly.

The Deadlands from Simon Green’s Hawk and Fisher books. It sounded a lot like Stephen King’s The Mist, without mist to hide the nasties.

The layers of Hell from Nifft the Lean. Basically Lovecraftian Hell. Hells in general are good places to avoid…

The Zotl Empire. Giant intelligent arachnids who feed on pain don’t make for good rulers.

Camelot. Tis a silly place.

Ditto Narnia. Evil ice queens, satyrs, talking beavers and Santa Claus- I’d just as soon stay in Palin’s America. It can’t be that long before she falls out of Air Force One while shooting at a bald eagle and Santorum was comitted for rubbing excrement in his hair at his inauguration.

Jackson’s Whole

All of the above places.

New New York

I don’t know - the resort seemed nice.

There are worse places in the Whoverse. Utopia, for instance.