Fill in the blanks on this posthumous letter

Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share (MPSIMS)
#1

Dear ______________,

If you are (reading this letter, watching seeing this thread on a message board, or ________), it means I am almost certainly dead, probably due to _________, ________, or, if things went really bad, _________). It also means that the ________ is in ______, that you and _______ are probably ________. Well, y’all need to _____, because if I died the way I currently fear, you have less than 2 days to _____ the ________ or things will get even worse.

But no lecture. I trust you to do the right thing. So much, in fact, that I am going to share my greatest secret with you right now. Go to my _____ and check the first ______ on the _____ in the blank, and you will find ________. Armed with that, you should be able to do what you need to do. And do that first. Leaving taking your revenge on ________ for later.

Good luck. Please know that I’ve always (loved you/considered you my best friendwanted you for _________). Also, if _______ is still alive, please tell (him/her/it) that _________.

Thanks,
(your name)

#2

Dear Imperial Mercenary Liaison,

If you are (reading this letter), it means I am almost certainly dead, probably due to chronic digestion, insanity, or, if things went really bad, over-intake of sand). It also means that the rebel alliance is en route, that you and your creepy looking Emperor are probably beyond screwed but too proud to realize it. Well, y’all need to look out for potential traitors high in your ranks, because if I died the way I currently fear, you have less than 2 days to avoid total calamity and defeat or things will get even worse.

But no lecture. I trust you to do the right thing. So much, in fact, that I am going to share my greatest secret with you right now. Go to my sail barge and check the first footlocker on the right in the blank, and you will find a sweet wizard-shaped bong and some Creedence 8-tracks. Armed with that, you should be able to do what you need to do. And do that first. Leaving taking your revenge on he who shall not be named for later.

Good luck. Please know that I’ve always (loved you/considered you my best friend/wanted you for general camaraderie). Also, if the Sarlacc is still alive, please tell (him/her/it) to take a fucking breath mint once in a while.

Thanks,
Boba Fett

#3

Dear contributor,

If you are (reading this letter, watching/seeing this thread on a message board, or hearing it read to you inside your own head), it means I am almost certainly dead, probably due to lethal polonium-210, being lowered into a tank of sharks, or, if things went really bad, my only true weakness – exploding Swedish hookerbots). It also means that the **BOA internal email data – (HR to customer relations) ** is in circulation, that you and Cher are probably compromised. Well, y’all need to **execute plan delta Q **, because if I died the way I currently fear, you have less than 2 days to find the mole or things will get even worse.

But no lecture. I trust you to do the right thing. So much, in fact, that I am going to share my greatest secret with you right now. Go to my island lair and check the first shelf on the left in the fridge, and you will find my Dukes of Hazzard lunchbox. Armed with that, you should be able to do what you need to do. And do that first. Leaving taking your revenge on my hair stylist for later.

Good luck. Please know that I’ve always wanted you for your mind, not your body. Also, if **Roy Scheider ** is still alive, please tell him that I loved him in seaQuest DSV.

Thanks,
Julian Assange

#4

Dear Mother,

If you are reading this letter, seeing this thread on a message board, or hearing it by singing telegram, it means I am almost certainly dead, probably due to gas, poison, or, if things went really bad, exsanguination. It also means that the knife is in the hands of the police, that you and I are probably doomed to spend eternity bound together in torment. Well, y’all need to admit that you died years ago, because if I died the way I currently fear, you have less than 2 days to get the hell out of my head or things will get even worse.

But no lecture. I trust you to do the right thing. So much, in fact, that I am going to share my greatest secret with you right now. Go to my room and check the first candle on the left in the shrine to you, and you will find that it is impregnated with our blood. Armed with that, you should be able to do what you need to do. And do that first. Leaving taking your revenge on that blonde whore for later.

Good luck. Please know that I’ve always loved you. Also, if the rat that lives in your skull is still alive, please tell it that its check bounced.

Thanks,
Norman

#5

Dear Hokkaido Brit, Kinki, Auto, JapanDude and other Dopers in Japan

If you are (reading this letter, watching, seeing this thread on a message board, or listening to All Things Considered), it means I am almost certainly dead, probably due to cesium-137, Iodine-131, or, if things went really bad, plutonium). It also means that the Daiichi reactors are in smoke, that you and two thirds of Japan are probably in danger. Well, y’all need to move quickly, because if I died the way I currently fear, you have less than 2 days to get the fuck out of dodge or things will get even worse.

But no lecture. I trust you to do the right thing. So much, in fact, that I am going to share my greatest secret with you right now. Go to my dresser and check the first drawer on the top, and you will find a voucher for a free cocktail on Delta Airlines. Armed with that, you should be able to do what you need to do. And do that first. Leaving taking your revenge on TEPCO for later.

Good luck. Please know that I’ve always wanted to go to a beer garden with you. Also, if my wife’s boss is still alive, please tell her that 0.1% occurrences sometimes do occur.

Thanks,
Tokyo “Glowing” Player

#6

Dear Mog,

If you are reading this letter, it means I am almost certainly dead, probably due to exposure, tribal warfare, or, if things went really bad, the wrath of Winter God Maal. It also means that the village is in deep shit, that you and Gorm are probably fucking. Well, y’all need to stop that, because if I died the way I currently fear, you have less than 2 days to appease the gods or things will get even worse.

But no lecture. I trust you to do the right thing. So much, in fact, that I am going to share my greatest secret with you right now. Go to my backpack and check the first pouch on the top, and you will find my special mushroom of funny dreams. Armed with that, you should be able to do what you need to do. And do that first. Leaving taking your revenge on the people who will one day disturb my body from it’s resting place for later.

Good luck. Please know that I’ve always liked your tailoring skills. Also, if our son is still alive, please tell him that he’s the new village chief so he’d better stop fucking around.

Thanks,

Otzi