I recently found out that I am almost surely the father of a daughter that is about 20 y.o. The mother knows but I’m not sure if the man that raised her as his own knows or if he thinks he’s the biological father.
I’m thinking about contacting the mother and asking her if the daughter knows about me and if she wants to meet me. If the mother wants me to just leave her alone, I will comply with those wishes. But if my daughter wants to meet me, I would like to be in her life.
Could the father or both parents come after me for money? Could my daughter? I’m in NJ if it matters.
If there was never an order for child support, then there’s no ‘back child support’ to be paid. Of course, anybody can sue anybody else for anything they want, so it is technically a possibility that the mother could do that, but not likely, unless you’re Justin Bieber or something.
This isn’t “back” child support, it’s retroactive child support and it’s usually hard to get. With adult kids, people sometimes have to help with college if they’re enrolled, but It’s more rare that they’d make someone pay 18 years of retroactive CS for a grown up kid.
Since there is another guy in the picture, I’d guess (just complete uninformed guessing here) it would lessen the chances of you having to pay. Courts really want two people to be responsible for a child and since she’s a grown adult and had two parents who supported her the entire time, she did have that and there’s probably no reason to bring in a third.
I was going to say the exact same words as astro. Tread carefully. Think hard about how to contact her. If this is mom’s big secret, just calling while she’s sitting next to hubby on the couch could be a mistake.
Curious about the circumstances of how you “recently” found out that you may have a 20 year old daughter, if you’ve had no contact with anyone in that family?
Most states have a “statute of limitations” concept on child support - if someone decides to sue, then they can typically only ask for something like 6 months or 2 years or whatever from the date of filing. The idea is that if child support was needed or wanted, the mother would have made the necessary request when it was needed.
Of course, if you are the parent, they can come after you for current child suport. In some states, that includes over-18 children who are full-time students and live at home; plus it will include your share of her college tuition. Unlike live-in parents, you don’t have a say about whether to pay for college or not, if the court orders it.
So first of all, you are opening yourself up to a major disruption in finances if you have any decent income; second, as others mentioned above, you are dropping a WMD on their family life - how likely is anyone to be grateful?
If mama has been lying to the family for 20 years, nobody is going to be happy discovering the truth; especially if the marriage is about to fall apart anyway and that was the last straw. If not, it will be very unhappy there for years to come.
Even if you just contact the daughter, what are the odds she will say nothing to either parent? Plus, if mama didn’t say anything for 20 years, why would she want to hear from you now? Have you changed that much?
Best advice, wait until she is a mature independent person and out of the house; then if you load her down with a guilty secret, at least she doesn’t have to face her real parents every day. Or, then, talk to the ex-gf first and see what she knows and has told her daughter.
I have to agree with this as it may be too much for a 20 year old to handle. I’d really think twice before upsetting her world. I find it ironic that you may have a child and your first concern is whether or not you’ll owe money for her support?
Well, she’s 20, right? So that makes her a legal adult. Which means it’s not really her mom’s decision; it’s hers. I say if she knows about you and wants to contact you, she’s an adult and can do that should she so choose.
There is also the possibility that she’s known for a long time, but she’s got a dad and is perfectly content with that one. I don’t really think it’s your decision to pop suddenly into her life and claim any sort of rights to a relationship with her, nevermind the child support issue. You might also consult a lawyer to find out if making contact opens you up to a situation you’d rather not be in.
I think it’s a fair thing to be concerned about, given that he just learned about the girl.
I’d feel differently if the op had been avoiding child support for 18 years, but asking if you will be responsible for what could be a huge amount of money given this set of circumstances, is a legitimate concern. IMO
I would not think he would be financially responsible, but knowing that it might affect whether you can continue to pay rent or not if you make this move seems like a thoughtful thing to do.
This is something you’ll want to discuss with a qualified family law attorney in your jurisdiction. Your local bar association will be happy to refer you. The initial consultation should be free.
I find it upsetting that you are misusing “ironic”.
Here we are being very solicitous of the daughter’s position and telling the OP he is not her dad, and he is effectively a stranger to her, and she may not want to even know him… and yet he is not allowed to be concerned about something that is a perfectly rational concern that might be on the mind of a bio-dad contemplating re-connecting with an unknown daughter.
Just as she is stranger to him, he is a stranger to her. Absent bio dads get sued all day long in the US courts for back child support, often for enormous sums. In this particular context it does not sound like he has a lot to worry about, but to raise an eyebrow about what a moral pygmy he is for daring to ask the question is kind of silly.
That just means there’s only one question on which he wants the internet’s advice. He doesn’t want/need the internet’s advice on whether to contact her, how to contact her, what to expect, or any of the other questions. It doesn’t mean he hasn’t thought about them, agonised over them, asked his friends about them, or whatever else.