Old Brutus, he worked on the dock
Gutting carp he yearned to just talk
To The Dope he did hie
But he found by and by
In real life he’d be kicked in the cock*
There once was a die-hard “Die Hard” fan
Equipped with a riddle and gas can
To the fountain he hustled
But the bomb it got justled
They could fit his remains in a dustpan
[sub]* Miss ya Brutus, hope you’re well. :^)[/sub]
Jen had a weird love of bacon …
By her, a strip would be taken
Then placed in her hole
Till she screamed “Oh my soul!”,
But most folks felt she was fakin’.
Mandy was quite a dumb chick…
Mandy was quite a dumb chick,
With all the brains of a guitar pick.
Her man plied her with wine,
And then bid her recline,
So that his dear was laid out like a salt lick.
He proceeded to strum on her torso,
Drawing a low hum, and then a bit more so.
When he hit her C-sharp,
She thrummed like a harp,
In dulcet tones, most amoroso.
He moved on, down and up, on her body,
Hearing whimpers, and then a threnody.
As she writhed on the mattress,
He composed chords on her fretless
Body with the elan of Carlo Menotti.
Ooh, I forgot to supply a starter line!
A pro halfback soaked in the Jacuzzi,
for so long that his mind became woozy
while dreaming of Venus
he took hold of his penis
which shot off like it was an Uzi!
Old Ethel was tough as a rivet…
And didn’t bathe and smelled of a civet
How’d you like that
Since she smelled like a cat
Just run away man, start with a pivot.
Let’s talk about Dustin Diamond…
Let’s talk about Dustin Diamond
Seems he’s broke, he ain’t got a dime and
Since Saved by the Bell
He’s not done too well
But at least that afro’s subsided.
Next:
A customs inspector named Cholmondely…
(bonus points for preserving the spelling)
:dubious: You wouldn’t be trying to kill the thread, would you, Colophon?
A customs inspector named Cholmondely
Likes to perform his duties most doggedly,
For it gives him a thrill
To see each panty and pill
That travellers bring and try to take away.
There once was a lonely loan officer,
Sing this limerick to the Godfather theme:
There was a man whose name was Michael Corleone,
He killed his brother, Fredo, now he’s home alone,
I’ve got a whole bunch of [.http://www.mnpott.com/limericks.php](]funny and gross limericks[/url)
There once was a lonely loan officer:
Spent most of her nights in the office. Her
Rate of interest
Shot up once she undressed -
That made guys sit up and notice her!
Somebody has to offer a starter line.
There once was a drunken detective,
Whose client gave him a directive.
“Find the man who stole my car,
But stay out of the bar.”
The reply was X-rated invective.
Melissa’s skirt was so short…
That mere bending would quickly exhort
males to drop to their knees
and loudly cry, “Please!
Your kinkiest I will comport!”
The farmer’s fine pair of oxen…
Here you go:
A customs inspector named Cholmondely,
OVER-inspected the uncustomarily colmondely.
So the doc gave a quick stick
Of novocaine to his prick.
Now when Cholmondely comes, he comes nolmondely!
The farmer’s fine pair of oxen
Grew up, with balls out and their cocks in.
As they plowed near the cows,
They became so aroused,
The farmer scrapped his plough for its tin.
There once was a young doc named Otis,
There once was a young doc named Otis,
Whose income the gals had noticed
He’d work on their tits
and other naughty bits
Then they’d go for a ride in his Lotus
This is the start of an old joke, but let’s see if we can turn it into a limerick:
She ordered a double entendre
She ordered a double entendre
With a chaser of bad puns, to pondre.
The bartender paused,
Then ordered her tossed,
Barking, “we don’t serve broads words here!”
There once was a love-struck maitre d’,