First date after divorce

In My Humble Opinion
21

We agree to disagree.

Do NOT ask for a second date on the first meet and greet.

Go there, have fun. Relax.

Afterword, go home. If you get a communication from her call her in 4-5 days. If no communication and you are interested call her in about 7 days.

I was 42 after my divorce and thought I was too matureand the women I would meet were too mature for the stupid game playing/psychology shit from my younger days. Alas, not true. People are people and you still have to understand this - if you make them too relaxed and thinking about whether to reject you are not then they will reject you so you need them to be thinking whether they have you or not instead. You need to not be too open and leave mystery etc etc.

This means all the stupid game playing from your younger days which includes:

  • Don’t call her too quickly after meeting/first dates. Wait a few days maybe even a week.

  • If you leave a message/communicate with her and you get no response then you do not communicate again until you hear from her. This will likely never happen. If you absolutely MUST then wait a month and try once more. After that, never again.

  • No flowers or gifts for the first 2-3 meetings…then something simple.

  • Try for a kiss by the second date. If refused, never call her again.

  • Pay for the first date. If she insists on paying her share then she is not interested in you. Keep trying but realize it probably isn’t going to happen.

  • Cancelled date means it’s over. Doesn’t matter the reason. Her parents could have died in a plane crash. Her kid could be in the hospital. Doesn’t matter. I guarantee you that whatever the excuse is…it’s BS.

You get the idea.

I know many, especially women, will vehemently disagree with the above but ignore it at your peril.

In my experience I have found out that this sort of psychology is actually more important at your age then when you were younger. When you were younger and too available/transparent then women undervalued you/thought they could do better. That is still true in the 40’s but add to this the fact that life has been hard on many people and many more women are seriously damaged in some way. While these women are not bad people you don’t want to get involved in this. You want someone to date that adds to your life, not sucks it away.

22

Flowers on the first date say “This is a generic romantic gesture that I make on generic romantic occasions with any woman who happens to be involved.” It doesn’t impress her, because it’s not about her- those flowers could have been for anyone. Flowers on the third or fourth date are much more likely to say “This is something really special I did on this special night just for you.” That is much more likely to make a good impression, because it speaks to them as an individual rather than as a placeholder.

The meet and greet is important. It keeps you from being stuck on long dates with people you have no romantic interest in, and gives you both a chance to gauge interest with no pressure. I’m a fan of the early evening meet and greet that has the potential to transition into dinner or drinks (“You know what? There is a great little taqueria next door. Would you be interested in grabbing some tacos?”) but still leaves both parties with a plausible out (“I’m sorry, I already promised my aunt Mathilde I’d bring her some take-out!”)

Online dating can be fun, as long as your focus on the idea that you are going to meet a bunch of wacky people and maybe find someone you click with. It’s a numbers game, and 95% of your dates just won’t feel like much, but now and then you’ll get a spark. You’ll have the most success if you are a little systematic about it, and not worry too much about the misses. If you can, keep bringing in new dates into the rotation until things start looking serious with someone. You don’t want to put all your eggs in one basket in those early stages. Think of them all as “practice dates” until you find someone who you are interested in and shows signs of moving towards more commitment. Until then, anything goes for either one of you with no hard feelings.

Don’t read into splitting the check, especially on a meet and greet. It’s pretty typical to do “I’ll get dinner, you buy drinks.” Women are aware that online dating involves a LOT of dates that mostly don’t pan out, and nobody expects you to blow your (figurative) wad on someone you don’t really know. Keep the early dates simple and charming, and save the fireworks for when it’s clear you know and like each other.

Charming.

23

Blinking is way off base. The psych game/PUA crap is disgusting in my opinion. Be honest and be yourself. Please avoid the asshole game playing. I wouldn’t ask for a second date early in the first date either though.

I got divorced in my early 40’s and have been very, very successful in my dating life by any measure.

If the first date is a quick coffee/happy hour deal, and you have a nice time, you should let her know that you had a nice time the next day via text or email and ask her for a second date then. It’s probably best to be specific about what the date will be. Don’t be ambiguous but be more like, “let’s try that new sushi place that we were talking about. How does next Thursday work?”

As for the first kiss, you just need to go with the flow there. My successful first dates have ranged from a hug to getting laid depending on the mood. There really is no rule for this.

On preview, sven has very good advice.

24

The only argument I’d have with Blinking Duck’s post is the don’t call too soon. I think that’s crap. What I’ve noticed is that it appears to be considered polite to text after the date and thank the date for a nice time. Immediately after the date, like, as soon as you get home. Then you can let her percolate for a couple days and call again if you want a second date. If you played games and ignored me for a whole week after what I thought was a nice date, I’d figure your other plans fell through and I’m just your backup. Fuck you, buddy, I’m not going to make you a priority if I’m just an option. If you’re interested, say so. But be prepared to accept “I’m sorry, I’m just not into you in the same way” gracefully.

If your date pulls any of the old-school bullshit games, then just pull the plug. Yes, a lot of adults haven’t grown up yet. That’s not a good reason to not act like an adult anyway. One of the biggest dealbreakers for me is the date assuming that I’m going to act like some flaky 20-something. I’m 43, what makes you think I’m so immature? Nevermind, no need to answer, I’m out.

25

Actually, Blinky does have some good advice, he’s just chosen to wrap it in some nasty misogyny, probably due to a chip on his shoulder. PUA stuff can have very good advice, as long as you ignore the bitter self-pity bullshit. Basically none of the stuff he cited is a “stupid game.” It’s basic human interaction. What Blinky hasn’t digested is that sometimes people reject you- not because you are a bad person or they are “damaged,” but just because they aren’t really feeling it. This is a morally neutral thing. Going on a first date with someone creates no obligation to be in to them.

Yes, if a romantic partner does not return your communication, reciprocate affection, or keep their plans, they are not that in to you. This isn’t “playing games.” It’s just giving you the fade, which is a romantic reality. The real trick is learning how to accept it when you see it, rather than holding on to false hope. If you get the fade, follow up once and move on. Nobody ignores a partner they are really interested in, and life is too short to worry about why they don’t happen to click. Find someone who does text you back.

Yes, if you show too much too soon in a one-sided way, it’s off-putting. In general, the level of intensity should be roughly symmetrical, with each partner reading each other and moving slowly forward. This means don’t bombard them with calls or shower them with gifts while you are still basically strangers.

Follow their lead with the frequency of communication, and recognize your partner has their own life and may not always get right back to you. If they are in to you, they will follow up. If you start getting needy, demanding, or controlling with your communication (getting upset she doesn’t call back immediately, sending passive-aggressive texts etc.) that’s a big turn-off. Just play it cool. If she knows you are interested, she’ll contact you when she is ready.

None of this is really “creating mystery” or whatever, although some people find that a useful way to think of it. It’s just having your own life, not getting over-invested, and recognizing that even if you are really into your partner, you still have to give them space to figure out what they think of you.

26

You’re correct, sven, especially about the fade. Thinking more about it, I do end up doing much of what Blinking suggests as a matter of course because it just ends up that way, not because I am following a rule sheet. It’s the hard and fast rules thing and the idea that women are damaged that really put me off.

27

Nice to know that agreeing to a date with you means you now own her and she is not permitted anything else in life other than dancing attendance on you. No family, no friends, no medical emergencies, the only thing she is allowed to have happen is you.

SO glad I’m not dealing with dating, if this level of selfish heartlessness is typical of the dating scene.

28

Not how I read it. He is talking about if the second date is cancelled consider it over. Not if any date till the end of time is cancelled. I do think there is something to this. But I would not put it in such absolute terms. If the second date is cancelled I would say something like, “When things clear up give me a call.” Chances are there will be no call be no harm in trying. Maybe there really was an emergency.

29

Don’t look at it that way. If something really comes up and you have to cancel on someone and they act like that it’s good to know right away who you’re dealing with. All information is good information to have. Now you haven’t wasted a bunch of dates on someone you’re not going to be a match for.

So much truth here.

I’ve never done online dating so I’m not sure if it makes things more or less complicated. One of the things I’ve noticed in some threads about it makes me think that although the emails/phone calls before the date can help you weed people out, it also seems to give some people a feeling of closeness (probably not the word I’m looking for) that makes rejection sting a bit more? But what **even sven **said can’t be said enough. Going on a date obligates someone to nothing, man or woman. It just doesn’t.

30

Agreed. If you have to cancel a date immediately in the beginning of a relationship, there has to be a rational excuse AND an effort to make up for it.

Meaning, it’s acceptable to cancel, life happens, but you’re in the hole and have to climb out of it if you genuinely want to see the person again.

If they don’t climb out of that hole, well then it’s obvious that they have no interest in seeing you again, so don’t waste your time. “Fish in the sea,” etc.

31

Regarding gifts/flowers… last time I did my “meet and greet” after an online intro, I knew my date was going to be walking her dog to the coffee shop, so I stopped off at a neighborhood pet shop and bought a few doggie “cookies” to bring along. Made a very nice impression on her, even when they weren’t “for” her.

Been together six happy years now :slight_smile:

32

This is the problem with asking for dating advice here - the next day there’s an entire threadful of curious busybodies asking, “Soooo … how did it go?” :stuck_out_tongue:

So, how’d it go?

33

Just to clarify, my advice was not intended for a meet & greet. It is intended for the first “pick her up and go to a restaurant without a drive-thru” date.

You know, I don’t think I have ever had had a meet and greet as a first meeting. It has always been a date. Except for the two times I was engaged to a woman BEFORE the first date but those were slightly unusual circumstances.

34

The problem I have seen with the Fade coming from women is when they express interest via polite chat but really don’t was to go out. It’s always an excuse of why she can’t do out but never an honest “We didn’t click so I don’t want a 2nd date.” If she doesn’t accept a 2nd date that you offer (“Are you free Friday night?”) and doesn’t offer an alternative (“No, but I’ll be back by 6 o clock Saturday night.”) then that’s your indicator that it’s over.

There was one I remember where every offer for a date was met with a polite “I’m busy.” and small talk with never an indicator that she didn’t want to go on a date. After a month of this, she told me her ex husband called her on the way back from the airport (we met on a plane) and they were working on getting back together and leave her the fuck alone and I’m stalking her because I keep asking her out. When I said, “You never said you didn’t want to go out.” her reply was, “Didn’t you get the hint?”

35

She has a point. You should have gotten the hint. She was less than mature about how she handled the situation but I would have dropped the effort well before you did.

If they’re really interested, they’ll let you know and make every effort to see that another date happens.

36

Well it was just a couple weeks. It’s not like I spent a few months at it. I just assumed she would be mature enough to say, “I don’t want to go out.” instead of “Maybe another time.” But that’s how I realized that if she doesn’t provide you another time for a date then it means no date.

37

well put.

and as for being “damaged” - lots of people are, young/old male/female married/single - that’s how it is.

work on your own stuff & give people the benefit of the doubt is what I try to do.
now - how’d the OP’s date go? :smiley:

38

Maybe she wanted to keep you as a back up in case it didn’t work out with the ex. Shrewd? Sure, but being the object of your attraction does not mean she has any particular obligation to manage your emotions.

39

You should have brought flowers.

40

Maybe this ended up being one of those dates where he just never goes home, and they end up married happily ever after!

So…how’d it go?