This post is side-stepping the “should I/shouldn’t I date a platonic friend?” question. My question is this–what should you do on a first date. My case in point–I have a friend I’ve known about a year, and there’s always been some unresolved sexual tension. I just can’t picture a first date, because we’ve already covered a lot of the first-date type conversations. Plus, even if I wanted to date him, I imagine it would take me a while to remove him from the “just friends” category and put him into the “hot hunk of man” category.
So, I’m asking the Teeming Millions to share any experiences they may have had. If you did take the plunge, how did it go?
My advice may or may not be useful to you, since the relationship with my friend went nowhere, except back to friendship. We’re still best friends, and there’s definitely still some interest, but it’s too much like incest for me – I value her too highly as my buddy to inflict romance upon her. Unfortunately, she has just about everything I want in a partner, including the friendship. sigh
I’ll spare you the details, partly out of modesty and partly out of shame, but I can say this: don’t be surprised if your “first date” doesn’t feel like a date at all. Same for the second, or any of them for a long time. You’re friends, trying to expand the friendship into romance. Don’t duck away from that – use it. Never stop being pals, just be pals who are in love with each other.
Good luck. I hope it works out for you better than it did for me.
And let me tell you, my situation is a WHOLE lot weirder than yours, easy.
Not only have we been friends for over four years, I’m also really good friends with her ex-husband. They have a “trying to be friends” sort of relationship. He’s only sort of aware that we’re sort of dating, but I’m sure he’ll know soon (I’ll tell him if he doesn’t figure it out on his own). The divorce only became final last month, but only because it takes forever to get a divorce granted in this state. Just so you know, he’s told me a couple of times that I should date her, so I don’t feel I’m betraying his trust or anything.
Anyway, the date itself was both weird and refreshing at the same time. There were awkward moments at times, because some of the requisite first date moments just weren’t there even though we both subconsciously expected them. We already know what types of music the other likes, what we do on the weekends and what the other does for a living. Now we’re just filling in the details. The strangest thing, I think, is making the leap to thinking about each other as something besides just a friend, but it’s slowly happening. It helps that there’s been a mutual attraction for some time now.
This isn’t the first platonic friend that I’ve ended up dating, either. Some of them ended quite badly, but I’m still pretty good friends with a few, too, even after intimate involvement.
First date options mostly depend on what there is to do in your area. Pick something that both of you enjoy (this should be easy since you should know him fairly well by now) and where it would be easy to shift from “date” to “hanging out with a friend” if it becomes obvious that dating him isn’t going to work. Try a farmers’ market, an art fair, a gunshow…whatever you find interesting and where there’ll be ample opportunities for conversation. Above all, BE YOURSELF! He already knows who you really are, after all, and he already finds you attractive, so don’t try to impress, just be you.
I went a date with a friend once. We went to a movie and absolutly nothing happened. I was a good choice tough becuase we didn’t really have to think of things to talk about, so if that is what you are worried about is conversation that’s the road I would take.
My ex and I were flirty-friends for over two years before I asked him out. We must have had a good time, because we became BF/GF that night.
I’m not sure if only I felt it or if we both did, but there definitely was the incestuous feel that Cap’n Crude described. Kissing him and holding hands with him and touching him with what was supposed to be GF-ly affection felt nice, but weird. Not weird in a “Ewww, gross! Boys! Cooties!” kind of way… it just felt odd. I think that he was my first BF had a lot to do with that; I wasn’t used to kissing and touching and all the other wonderful acts that I can’t get enough of today.
We didn’t last long as a couple. I don’t blame the breakup solely on the weirdness of going from friends to BF/GF, but it did play a big part in it.
I can look back on the relationship fondly because we got along very well when we were together, and because we get along very well now. Ironically, we’re more affectionate now than we were when we were dating. We run into each other maybe once a year, but there’s always a hug and kiss exchanged when it happens.
I have no regrets about dating him. I might’ve been lucky, though. I think if it had it been with any other guy, I might not have walked away feeling as good about it as I do. He was, and still is, a total sweetheart.
Nice non-answer of the OP, Audrey. <bangs head on wall>
Our first date was our prom. It was nice to be all spiffied up for our first date. We chit-chatted with friends and dined and danced, and then ditched the prom early to catch a movie. Later, we stopped by the 24-hour pool/video game place for a few minutes and turned many heads with our formalwear.
It was a unique date, most defintely. (As unusual-- in a good way-- as it was, we didn’t really need good conversation.) But unless it’s your prom season, or the two of you have a penchant for frolicking around town in formal attire, you won’t be able to do the same thing we did. I suggest you do something or go somewhere you’ve never done or been as friends. A nicer-than-usual restaurant is a good start. Almost anything should do, so long as it makes the night feel more like a real date rather than a night out with a friend.
Audrey, I’m curious–was your prom meant to be a “real” date, or were you going as a platonic couple (“We’re just really good friends, really!”) and it just turned into a real date? That’s what happened to me on my senior prom. I don’t know if it was the fancy clothes or what. It was really strange when he turned to me and said that this was his first date ever :eek:. At the end of it all, he took me up to (what he claimed was) the highest point in our county and we watched the sun rise together. (This is NOT a sexual metaphor, no matter how much it may sound like one!) A damned romantic, that’s what he was :).*
So, here’s my suggestion to the OP: Come up with a damned romantic plan. This may involve perusing topographic maps if necessary. If it’s meant to be, he’ll fall in love with you. (Caveat: He may fall in love with you anyway, even if it’s not meant to be. See below.)
[sub]* Afterword (for those who are interested): We dated a couple of times after that, but it didn’t turn into a “relationship”. He had some “issues” with his family/upbringing that I still don’t completely understand. The day after graduation, his father threw him out of his house. Several more bizarre twists of fate later, he ended up completely disappearing on me that summer–with no contact for FIVE YEARS! What happened? Well, he claims he doesn’t know, and I certainly don’t know. He said that it was not on purpose, and I tend to believe him. There was just a lot of crap going on then. At least I was finally able to get some closure on the matter. When we talked, we got along as well as we ever did in high school study hall, but there was also a lot of “weirdness” there as well (compounded by the fact that I am married, I’m sure.) We’ve since drifted apart again, more mutually this time.[/sub]
Tamex– I asked him thinking we’d go as friends, but he must’ve thought I was making a move on him. Truth is, I wasn’t. Still, I was happy to take the relationship to the next level.
easy e, it sounds to me as though you have somewhat of a mental block against dating your friend. If I may ask, are you seriously considering dating him, or are you just sorta wondering out loud what it’d be like to date him? I ask because I don’t think that just because there’s a sexual tension there that you have to explore the possibilty of romance with the guy. If the idea of dating him just doesn’t feel right with you, there’s nothing wrong with keeping him only a friend. He’ll be a friend with whom you have underlying sexual tension, sure… but speaking for myself, I think that can be nice to have.
easy e,a good solution is to go out somewhere in a group (or to a party or something of the sort), not together as such, and both get drunk enough that your feelings can run away with you a little bit… it worked for me once, anyway
Otherwise, just give it time, and allow for it being a little awkward at first. Really, going on a date should be just like spending time with your friend, only you get to hold hands and kiss goodbye at the end. If things work out, this is a wonderful way to start a relationship - having an SO who is already a best friend is all good, as far as I’m concerned. The best, and longest (3yrs), and most significant relationship I’ve been in started this way.
That is sort of the way my wife and I got together. At first she wasn’t intersted in me in that way but would like me as a friend (I was crushed) but at least I got a new friend. Then something changed and she wanted to go further - but didn’t bother telling me. I was confused but tryed to keep it at a friendship level till one time when I gave her a kiss when I was leaving which confirmed that we were beyond friendship and on to something else.
From that point on dating never entered the ‘first date’ ‘phase’. As most of the awkward mements were already handled on hte friendship level and we knew a lot about eachother.
Easy e, I unfortunately have little advice for you. But as a guy who has been trapped in the “friend zone” way too often, I wanted to thank you for actually giving this guy a chance.
Thanks for your replies. As I read them, I realized that I was thinking more in terms of a hypothetical situation than an actual guide to what to do. But I appreciate your stories. It’s affirmed something I’ve always known–relationships with “friends” always seem to be more complicated than those with “strangers.”
