Parkland
Tragedy disrupts lives in Dallas.
Glory
Black troops die but win.
Gone with the Wind
Sweeping, epic Lost Cause propaganda.
The Avengers
See me in Stuttgart scene!
Lost in Translation
Star, girl chill in Tokyo.
THE guns of Navarrone
Blowing up big German guns.
Kelly’s Heroes
Bank robbery with Sherman tanks.
The Dirty Dozen
Everyone but three bite it.
A Bridge Too Far
It really is too far.
Spaceballs
Villains conspire to steal air.
Bad News Bears
Drunk pool cleaner coaches losers.
Logan’s Run
Crystal handed man escapes death
True Grit
Girl, old drunk hunt killer
or
Dude hired to hunt killer.
Scrooged
Ghost beats up cynical executive.
The Big Lebowski
The Dude clearly abides, man.
The Man Who Wasn’t There
Barber stars in boring film.
Intolerable Cruelty
Divorce lawyer meets his match.
Raising Arizona
White trash kidnap rich baby.
No Country for Old Men
Weird killer can’t be stopped.
Modern Times
Chaplin’s stuck in the machine
Forbidden Planet
Is that Id or Libido?
Barbarella
Jane Fonda barely wears clothes.
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
Evil witches get their comeuppance.
Van Helsing
Frankenstein’s monster gets a friend.
Constantine
They mispronounce his name throughout.
I know it’s four. The pun is about another story that featured driving: The Wages of Fear. The film’s name: Sorcerer. In one story, the truck is full of explosives, in the other, beer.
Takes a little work to get there, but the payoff is nice, imho.
Uh… OK!
The Great Gatsby
Leo was the perfect choice.
Hours: Katrina and The Waves
High and Low
Japanese cops search for kidnapper.
Die Hard
This is a Christmas movie?!?
Appaloosa
Lawmen clean up Western town.
Django Unchained
Violent, fun, but utterly ahistorical.
Se7en
"Sin"fulness perversely punished by madman.
Let The Right One In
I Let the right one
District 9:
Jesus Christ this movie sucks!
The Dark Knight
Heath Ledger steals the show.
Superman
The standard for superhero blockbusters
City of God
Brazil’s best movie, hands down.
The Empire Strikes Back
Spoiler Alert is Luke’s father
Return of the Jedi
Jedi Luke? Yes. Ewoks? No.
Rocky III
Eighties homoerotica at it’s finest.
** Batman and Robin **
Nineties homoerotica at it’s worst
Robocop
NEVER NEEDED A REMAKE…PERIOD.
** True Lies**
Underrated to say the least.
Speed
Surprise hit from a cinematographer.
** Terminator 2: Judgement Day**
Greatest action movie ever made.
** The Birth of a Nation**
Incredibly racist, though well directed.
** Marnie **
Misogynistic tripe, though well directed.
** Malcolm X**
Spike Lee’s last great film.
** Inside Man **
Spike Lee’s last good film.
** Face/Off **
Impersonations are so much fun.
** TRON **
Truly one of a kind.
** Showgirls **
Funniest sex scenes ever filmed.
I thought I was the only one to notice.
That is brilliant.
My favorite is a two-word review for The Lone Ranger by the LA Times:
“Uh-Oh, Silver!”
Robot and Frank
Why is Liv Tyler here?
Some of these are synopses, not reviews, but the following was an actual published review by the legendary James Agee, here in its entirety.
You Were Meant For Me: That’s what you think.
All is Lost
Not recommended for blind people.
OR
Recommended for the hearing impaired.
Jurassic Park
People running from resurrected dinosaurs
The Lost World
People running from dinosaurs again
Jurassic Park 3
People running from new dinosaurs
Jurassic World:
20 years later, more dinosaurs!