Fly the Unfriendly Skies

I’m putting this here, even though it’s satire, because it deals with the recent JetBlue (“Under our old name, we had a plane crash into a swamp, killing everyone on board!”) nastiness. It’s the Unger Report from NPR and is only a few minutes long. Some of the highlights from his idea of a real “Passengers Bill of Rights”:

Congress shall permit a redress of grievances in the form of free cocktails.

No passenger shall be quartered in a plane without the consent of that passenger.

The right of passengers to be secure in their own anatomy.

No passenger shall be subject to traveling the same airline twice as to be put in double jeopardy of the same crappy service. A voucher should be good on any airline, not just the one that screwed you.

Passengers shall enjoy the right to the speedy return of baggage, preferrably their own.

Airlines have the right to a trial by jury, until they start taking hostages. Then, it’s mob rule.

There’s more and writing it just doesn’t do justice to Brian Unger’s deadpan delivery. I’m sure some of our roadwarriors will find it highly amusing.

Every passenger must have an Ejector Seat Button—controlling the seats to the left, right, fore & aft of his own.

No chutes.

Sorry I believe you are incorrect. According to WikiPedia among other sites. ValuJet became AirTran.

JetBlue was originally known as “NewAir” See another wiki article

I stand corrected.