Food Snobbery

The BBQ Pit
1

sigh

I’m kind of on a downward spiral today. A thin skinned, hypersensitive spiral and I may have hit rock bottom. I don’t care anymore. I just don’t care. I am going to live my life, happy, healthy and warm and fuck all y’all to Morocco and back.
Why?

I’ve just been handed my ass on a plate because sometimes…I bake with margarine.

Yeah. Come on. Bring it on foodies. Tell me how margarine is a tool of satan. But before you begin, allow me an opening statement.

Fuck you and your god damn food snobbery. Take your Sundried tomatoes and shove 'em up your urethra. I honestly, HONESTLY do not brag or toot my horn about much but I assure you of this: I am a kick ASS cook. People have asked if I would submit some of my recipes to fucking RESTAURANTS. I host Thanksgivings where I make all of the standards from scratch. I bake home made bread and pie crust that would make you slap your fucking grandma it’s so good and flaky. Sometimes I like to really work hard to create a masterpiece.

But you know what I also like? Eating at Fridays. Yep, you heard me. And WENDYS. And I use Fat Free sour cream. And GENERIC brand peanut butter. And I drink Miller Lite. And sometimes, I actually make and consume the recipes on the backs of Campbell Soup Cans. And I buy Kraft Cheese from the GROCERY store, all wrapped up in plastic.

I DON’T FUCKING LIKE CAPERS. I don’t buy my ham from some wizard in the mountains who makes it from special golden pigs. I don’t have a “local butcher”. I don’t want to hear the specials. I DON’T want to eat something that looks like art on a plate. I don’t send away for spices from the Orient. I don’t use only the finest freshest ingredients.

And here’s the best part, I DON’T CRITICIZE OTHER PEOPLE for how they cook or what ingredients they use or where they bought them. Got me?

Sometimes I make recipes that have been handed down for three generations and they’re from a poor Polish grandma who only had six ingredients on hand. DON’T TELL ME HOW TO IMPROVE it with your motherfucking goat cheese and pinenuts. I am a comfort food cook. I receive such fucking joy from cooking it’s near to shocking. I could stay up all night cooking, but I don’t do it to compete with who can use the wackiest ingredients or the most ingredients or sweat their lives way to create a spicy octopus tapanade.

And sometimes, let’s all face it, recipes are meant to be easy. I don’t want to name names but jesus christ, deviled eggs are supposed to be a quick, easy delight, not a fifty step process with an encyclopedia of ingredients including the powdered horn of a narwahl.

And again, I don’t want to name names, but I had to laugh in my “Quick and Easy Party Foods” thread when people consistently missed the “Quick and Easy” part and began suggesting a sixty ingredient meal that you’d need a personal assistant to put together.

I love food. I really honestly do, and I admire everyone who also loves food. And I hail everyone who is a good cook, but jesus christ. Just because YOU know how to make everything in the world perfectly, doesn’t mean nobody else does.

jar

2

Hold it, you bake with margarine, don’t like capers, and you have the gall to accuse me of being evil???

[sub] Just Kiddin’[/sub]

3

jar, who are these people you hang out with? I swear to God, I’m sending you a taser for Christmas. Some of the behavior you’ve decribed really needs to be dealt with.

Don’t worry about other people. You do what you want, and the rest of 'em can go piss up a rope.

Zette

4

I was with you until the part about drinking Miller Light. It’s like they just got some water and dipped a yellow crayon in it a few times.

:shudder:

Although I would highly recommend getting a local butcher. The Missus and I don’t go out as much with the kiddies, so we will cook steaks, etc. on the grill at home. The quality steaks are wonderful.

Abe Babe - master of doctoring up store bought stuff.

5

Well Zette, to be honest. No no Zette, for once in my life I"m not bitching about my friends :slight_smile:

jar

6

Mr. S and I have recently become fans of Jamie Oliver, the “Naked Chef.” He makes some fabulous stuff out of the most simple ingredients. We bought his cookbooks, and you know what one of the dessert “recipes” is? Vanilla ice cream served with crushed malted milk balls sprinkled on top. We watched his Christmas show last week, in whcih they showed him eating at a greasy spoon and declaring that a grubby diner is the best place to have breakfast.

So there, food snobs! :stuck_out_tongue:

Scarlett, who will take good old Kraft mac and cheese over homemade any day, but who made pork and peaches for a dinner party Saturday night that wowed everyone at the table

7

Well, jar- somebody torqued you off! Zap 'em! Zap 'em like a damned bug!

:slight_smile:

Zette

8

Scarlett, are you sure you don’t like homemade mac n cheese? Because I’ve got a recipe for it that you would die for

First, get a unicorn.

Then, take six different cheese gathered from small German towns. They must be fresh. You have to fly there that morning.

Then you make the macaroni noodles from scratch, whole wheat, organic, home ground flour and free range eggs.

Use only Democratic Soy Milk

And then the spices,

Dry mustard
Cracked Pink Peppercorns
Sea Salt
The nasal residue of Graham Kerr
Gold
Frankenscense
Myrrh
taragon
parsely
thyme
corriander
marjoram
and
freshly minced garlic
Slowly cook this for 18 1/2 hours, stirring every seven minutes without fail.

Now…for the SECOND step…

:slight_smile:

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I’m sure you meant to say “Zap 'em like a damned microwave burrito!”

10

Would that be a beef, bean, and cheese burrito?

jarbabyj, I love to cook, too. And I’m told that I am a pretty good cook and baker. Sometimes I make “gourmet” food, but sometimes I make basic comfort foods. Over the past two weeks, I’ve been in the comfort food mode, and I’ve been making all the casserole dishes my mom made while we were growing up. I make my own tomato sauce, but sometime I eat Chef Boyardee Ravioli from a can.

BTW, where’s that Quick and Easy thread? I must have missed it, and I’d like to check it out. As for the macaroni and cheese, what do you do with the unicorn?

11

You’re preachin’ to the choir jarbabyj. Personally, I love to make an incredibly challenging dish, served alongside something very ordinary. One of my recent dinners was Boeuf Bourguignon en Croute , with macaroni and cheese as a side dish.

For the beef, I actually made my own puff pastry, for the mac & cheese, I bought grated cheese – and only one kind of cheese.

I have also served a main dish of fried cabbage & bacon, and had flaming baked Alaska for dessert.

Food snobs are schmucks. If they would actually try something with less than 27 ingredients, they might like it.

12

Do make sure it’s from the Caspian sea though. Anything else is inferior due the lack of Crusted Five-tentacled Squamouses in the waters to add their own piquancy.

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You tell 'em, jarbaby!

Come ona my house sometime and I’ll fix ya some Kraft mac and cheese with stewed tomatoes and make you some of my World Famous Doctored-Up Store Boughten Fish Fillets.

Zap!

14

Everyone knows you don’t use powdered narwhal horn in deviled eggs. You use it in stuffed mushrooms.

Amateurs…

15

Hell, I’ve got a whole Campbell’s cookbook, with all the recipes from the backs of the cans.
The back of the Hungry Jack instant mashed potato box has some good recipes, too.

As for your mac & cheese recipe <snicker>…haven’t you people ever heard of Kraft? Even the generic store brand mac & cheese is good. Four for a dollar…can’t make homemade for less than that! I don’t like that burnt crusty top on homemade Mac & cheese.

I have become a salt snob, due to Alton Brown of Food TV. Kosher salt only in this house!

The drinking of Miller Lite, though, is unforgiveable…ugh, at least try Coors Light.

And where is the “Quick & Easy” thread? I missed it, too.

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The Party Food Battle Royale

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Party Food Battle Royale

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Kraft cheese?
I agree with a lot of what you said, but Kraft cheese is like eating vaseline.

19

Jarbaby, I’m with you. I hate people who have to overfuss their food till its hardly food anymore. I hope Martha Stewart fusses herself into an early grave.
But I’m confused.

At what point did butter become an obscure, hard to find ingredient?

gets on minature soapbox
Margarine is bad for you, and it has no taste. Butter is lovely, alchemical, and can improve almost any food it touches. Ok, I admit it, I just plain hate margarine and all its cousins. As I am fond of telling my SO, I sure as shit CAN believe its not butter.
off miniature soapbox

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Speaking of which–does anybody know the recipe for faux Beef Stroganoff which involves a can of Campbell’s cream of mushroom soup? If anyone can give me that, I’d be much obliged.

Thanks,
Green “please don’t put me in a casserole” Bean