When I temporarily moved back in with my parents at the age of 27, I paid room and board, did my own laundry and helped out as needed (usually that meant mowing the lawn and shoveling the snow off the driveway.) My adult daughter lives with us and has more or less the same arrangement.
anu-la1979, I don’t treat my kids like strangers. If they were strangers, I wouldn’t share my home with them. I treat them like adults, and part of being an adult involves working for a living, and using part of what you earn to pay for food and shelter.
As I have mentioned elsewhere, I have lived in the same house since I was born. My father died when I was 29. After I got my first job at 21, I started paying for all the utilities and groceries, though I never paid rent. I did all the laundry, cooking, and cleaning. When I was a student, I paid for nothing. None of this was ever discussed; it just was the way it turned out.
Nope, born in 1968. I wish they’d made me put the money in a retirement fund. As it is, I am in terrible shape with regards to retiring.
I can’t speak for anu-la 1979 and her intent behind the post, but I do think it was shitty for my mom to start demanding money at that age—but not just because of the fact that she was asking for money. I think paying one’s share of bills as an adult is fine. But it was never voiced that she was doing this to help with finances, per se, or to teach me how to be financially responsible. It was definitely more of a *No one gets a free ride *(even at 13!) type of sentiment in my household.
Like some have shared, my parent’s house rule was: when you graduate from high school you can go to college or you can go to work. But you must go!
I have lived with my mom twice in my adult life, once during my early 20s, and once in my late 30s.
Both times I paid my mom some form of room & board. This most recent time, I paid for the cable/internet bill because I wanted it. I also covered my car insurance, cell phone, and other bills. My actual “rent” was pretty low because I was trying to pay off my car loan early and she was trying to help me with that. We both knew that once I finished paying off my car, I would be moving out on my own.
I didn’t bring home anyone for overnights, my mom is pretty religious. In fact, until I started dating my current boyfriend, I always went out vs. having people in.
My mom and I were a lot more like roommates this last time - as we took turns cooking the meals and buying the groceries, etc. The only part of the household I did not regularly help out with was the laundry because my mom is OCD about how she does it and it caused her stress for me to do it - even if I did it the exact way she did.
I don’t know how you figure 1/5 of the bills - but I might suggest that you set a flat amount if you haven’t already. That way she knows what she’s going to have to pay and can budget better. And maybe offer to take $25 a week of what she contributes and put it towards her savings like people suggested.
If she really feels the rent is unfair, I would absolutely recommend that she give up her bedroom and take over the living room. There is no reason why you should not have your own bedroom. After all, you are the owners/primary occupants of this space and with that comes privilege. You shouldn’t be in the living room at this point in your life. Take a little space for yourself, hun!
I do want to commend you for asking - I think that shows that you are trying to be reasonable and fair. For her to think otherwise shows that she’s not ready to be treated fully as an adult yet.
i guess it’s a different culture; while i would be horrified at the idea of having your children pay room and board like it was a hotel, i would also expect them to help out with their parents’ expenses if they are working, regardless of whether they are still living at home or not. after all, it’s their turn to give pocket money so to speak. a quarter of her salary is fair, as that means she still has three quarters to spend with no other commitments to worry about. if she can’t save any money from that she needs to manage her money better.
Neither my sister nor I lived at home for any significant period of time after graduation. I went from undergrad to grad school, then straight to my job in another city.
Pepper Mill did live at home, as did some of her siblings. She paid rent, and also did the dishes and the clothes washing. I don’t know what her siblings did. She said shge wouldn’t feel right living at home and not paying rent.
I don’t think it’s so important to think about this in terms of what is ‘fair’, it is more about what she needs to learn and what you as a parent need to teach her. Only you can evaluate how motivated and independent she is and what you both need. As an outsider, I do think it is kind of crazy that she has the (only?) bedroom and you are stuck without one, with a 5 year old to boot.
One part of our jobs as parents is to teach our kids to be independent and functional members of society. Some kids need things given to them to learn this, others need things taken away. If she is doing well at getting to that point as things are, carry on. If you feel like she is not learning the life lessons she needs, you may need to give her more incentive by making things less easy for her. Bottom line is, she won’t learn the skills of saving, paying bills, and budgeting until she does it herself. Some kids do it very naturally on their own, others have to be forced. I think it’s ok for parents to be a safety net but only so far as the kids can still learn. Once they stop trying because they know their parents will bail them out, time to take the net away.
So it’s not that there is a perfect solution, like if you do XYZ she will immediately do great and there will be no conflict, but you have to think long term.
I’m currently living at home, and I pay rent, but not a ton. This has been the case since I moved out before I got divorced. The ensuing proceedings resulted in some debt that I needed to get paid off. My job also happened to be super-close. I pay for my own expenses, though–most of my own food (I’m allowed run of the kitchen, but I rarely use it), my phone bill, my insurance, my car when I had payments, and the majority of my own expenses (though I’ve been known to bum soda, detergent, and kitty litter).
I’m still there, but it’s more as a roommate thing. My mom and I get along really, really well; I can’t imagine getting along any better with someone else as a roommate.
I’m 21, live at home and attend uni, I don’t pay rent or food and mum gives me pocket money. The reason for this is that I help to care for my elderly grandmother, and if i didn’t live here mum wouldn’t be able to work. So its a good deal for all of us. I do work part time and save that money.
Prior to having to having my grandmother to care for the deal was we (my sister [who no longer lives here] and I) could live at home if we were working or studying. Also I’m allowed to have people over if I wish (my mum works nights so house is often empty nights) and my girlfriend stays over alot.
We all (my girlfriend, mum and I) help out around the house, my mother probably more so than the rest of us, but it just depends on who is busy at the time and who deems which job more important.
Asking her for 1/5 seems reasonable to me, living isn’t free and if she isn’t helping in other ways then having her pay board is acceptable.
I lived at home the summer after I graduated college, until I left to study abroad in the fall. I chipped in for groceries (I had a full-time job, but it didn’t pay much), but that was it. I did have to live by Mom’s rules, though, which made for much silliness on issues like curfew.
After I got back to the States and had a full-time job, Mom charged me rent, at a level not much less than it would have cost me to share an apartment with a roommate, PLUS I had to follow all her rules on curfew, etc., and generally be treated like a dependent child. That was when I decided to move out and be an independent adult, and be able to come and go as I pleased (and have guests come and go as they pleased).
Yes, yes, I agree…but had I been put out on the street at 18 and told to work my way through college over 25 years, mayhaps starting with a course at night at the local CC, I certainly would not have been a lawyer by the age of 25 and in an economic position to hand over several tens of thousands of dollars to my dad at the age of 30 so he could start a successful business (10 contracts to date). My parents saw it as both their duty and to their benefit to ensure that my sister and I a) understood how money worked at a young age (hence, every penny I made from 12-18 was invested and I was forced to do my accounts, understand credit, report back to my parents) and b) that we became reasonably financially successful and educated when we had the energy to work towards such goals.
Personally, I think part of a parent’s job is to work towards some generational upwards mobility, and in a modern economy that requires a lot more help than it did in the past. I don’t think that what Rushgeekgirl is asking is cumbersome and it seems like her daughter is being immature (example: when my parents visited over the last 5 years, I gave them my bed) but my opinion is that a lot of this “out at 18” ethos is based on class hostility cloaked as a slavish devotion to a 17th century model of the puritan ethic that is impractical in today’s society. Also, had my parents put me out at 18 with a lot of finger-wagging bullshit about adult responsibility, I certainly would not be considering letting them live with me when they’re older, nor would I have cheerful debited my bank accounts to zero for 3 months to help my dad out.
Really, everyone always wonders why the rich just get richer over generations. I can’t think of a single person I grew up with (Lexington, MA) who didn’t have the same deal I did, and nearly every person is financially well off as a result of it.
i would only take you to task for one small part of your statement, anu-la.
I would question whether every single person you knew in Lexington, MA is well off as a direct result of living rent-free. I’m sure there were other corollary features at play as well. Such as ensuring your financial awareness and your continued education.
They established a precedent for you - and I think that is wonderful, and that is key. My parents also set a precedent for me - that education was important but so was independence. I had to work for everything I got, but it made it more valuable to me as a result.
YMMV of course, but I think your cursory summary sentence rankles me a bit - perhaps if I lived in Lexington, instead of in Grafton, I would think differently.
Speaking as a parent - My son, when he lived with me as an adult and wasn’t going to school - I charged him rent (couple hundred a month) but put the money in a separate account under my name. He knew about this. I told him the money was to be used as a house downpayment or he would get 3 years after he moved out no matter what.
He was tickled by it. He moved out sooner than expected but wants me to keep the money until he asks for it.
My daughter? More worried about her…she has kind of a princess attitude about work but is definitely not going to college* - I will do the same for her but might require more whip-cracking.
WTH?! I have a masters degree in math. Both kids good in math but hate it. Both kids not going to college after high school (in fact not really graduating high school but getting a GED) though my son is now taking college classes. Maybe I was wrong and should have been a demanding and aggressive father… Oh well, they seem like good kids
I have to agree with everything anu-la1979 has posted.
I don’t see the value of charging rent to teach someone adult responsibility unless there is some evidence that the person won’t be a responsible adult. If your child is living with you because he somehow lost his money because he wasn’t responsible, then I think charging him would be a fair strategy. But if he just needs to a place to stay because grad school is too expensive, or he is fresh out of college looking for a job, then having him pay rent can be a burden. It might even keep him from moving out faster because most of his money is going to help his parents.
That said, it’s fair to charge your kids if you really need the money. When I started working summers at 14 my parents did not have a lot of money so I was asked to buy things that could be used by the whole family. I bought a TV and a PC using the money I earned from two summers (I didn’t make that much). When I turned 16 my parents stopped asking me for anything because by then their financial situation was very stable.
I live at home now because I’m going to law school. I don’t have a source of income, so if my parents wanted money then I would just have to take out more loans to pay them. Or I would have to work and go to law school at the same time, which can be terribly disruptive. I guess that can teach me more about responsibility, but so could living a couple of months in Nigeria.
Sometimes “lessons” aren’t really warranted, and any extra money a young adult has to spend to get while getting on her feet can be a burden toward reaching that goal.
Oh I’m sorry I wasn’t clear! I meant she doesn’t pay those bills out of pocket directly, I just ask for a set amount each pay period that comes out actually a little less than one-fifth. She does pay the internet though, I forgot that one because it was her idea to get it. I do use it though so I should be contributing to that. It all seems to even out with the amount I set.
I wonder if I shouldn’t just say, “You’re in charge of the lights and phone” so she’ll know exactly where it’s going.
I have been thinking hard on this today and I believe part of her complaint is that I don’t work. I stay at home with my youngest. But she’s not covering MY bills, my SO is. I cover all the cleaning, cooking and taking the little one to therapy, plus I work with her every day because she has special needs. I never ask for help unless I’m sick, and she doesn’t offer.
She’s angry with me right now because her money is tight but I won’t just let this pay period slide. I really would if I could, if I’d had some warning. I don’t want to be hard on her but the bills need to be paid. She makes cracks about us not having money when she sees my SO with a beer in his hand because she thinks we shouldn’t have any extras if we have to “beg” from her. I do not make cracks when she does a little shopping for herself. I’m happy to see her having fun with her money.
I don’t know. I feel really hurt that she sees it as begging because I’ve always done everything, despite being just as bad off as we were when I was a kid, to make sure she has what she needs. There was never money for extras but I never let her go without. I feel like she is being ungrateful, and she thinks I’m a “leech”. She said hurtful things to me and I’m being a meanie for making her give me her money.
Or at least that seems to be what has happened.
I thought I taught her better. Or maybe I really am a mooch? I really am clueless how normal families work.
You guys are making me feel a lot better about this.
Bolding mine. If she were my child her attitude would have just earned her a 30 day eviction notice. Being required to contribute to the household in which you live is not torture. It is not evil. It is important and, in your case, extremely justified. Do not let her treat you like this.
Agree with pbbth. It’s none of her business how you spend your (or your SO’s) money. If she doesn’t like the way you do things, she can leave. That’s what I tell mine if they get fussy about some other kid’s arrangements. I say “When you have your own place, you run it how you want, STFU”.
If she really thinks you are the leech and she is somehow doing you guys a favor by ‘giving you her money’ then I would tell her she is welcome to move out so that you can stop being such a burden on her :rolleyes: She will learn quick who was doing the favors here.
It is none of her business how much money you have or what you spend it on. How much money you have has nothing to do with the situation, she owes for what she is getting in this deal, namely a place to stay. Is she going to complain to her future landlord that he has more money than she does so she shouldn’t have to pay him?
My opinion… having her stay with you in this situation is not doing either one of you any good. It’s time for her to grow up, and if she can’t do it at your house, she will have to do it on her own.
