For people getting divorced - Some practical things you need to know about divorce in the US

Or, say, after an ugly years-long court battle over college expenses, and the kid has 2 and only 2 tickets to college graduation (which is kind of a no-brainer, mom and dad, right?), the 8 months pregnant stepmother shows up immediately after the ceremony to micromanage the signing of documents for an offer for the sale of the former marital home?

(I was the kid. Ugh. Please, people, DON’T put the kid in the middle.)

From a different straight female perspective, my ex was entirely at fault, as he was physically abusive and tried to kill me. So… yeah, there are circumstances where one person can be to blame entirely, even if it’s a statistical outlier.

Granted, if I were on a date, I wouldn’t plan on talking about my divorce. I’d be there to have fun, not to have a flashback or something. I’d wait for a few dates in before I’d be like “Ok, here’s the situation…”

My general advice is to write down everything. It might not matter and maybe no one will see it but you, but document everything. Every time a child was returned five minutes late, every dollar discrepancy in financial situations, every little thing. If six months down the line you say “Well, s/he does this all the time,” a contemporaneous journal might help back that claim up rather than just you trying to recall how often and when.

The hardest thing is knowing when to listen to your gut versus listening to an expert. There are times when you’re going to have to do one, times you’ll have to do the other, and it’s really hard to know which is the right path. No lawyer is right all the time, but no divorcing person can be emotionless and rational all the time.

Manage your attorney, even if it’s a good one. If you’re ever in a meeting with more than one attorney, tell them you’ll only pay for the one that actually needs to be there.

For many things it is cheaper to just give in than to fight them out in court. Even if they’re unreasonable, even if you are to any reasonable observer not the one at fault in the divorce. You will not get a “moral” victory, nor will you will be vindicated regardless of whether you fight it out - but you will be slightly less poor if you don’t.

The best revenge is living well. That said, wait a year after final breakup (i.e. decision is made to divorce, and it’s clear this won’t change) until you start dating. Better for you, and better for the dates. Spend that year working out like a fiend. Just sayin’ …

I was talking about situations that were probably due to irreconcilable differences, not a cut-and-dried situation like the one you experienced.

Another thing. If you’re going to document things, DO NOT lie about anything. Just don’t. And this is coming from someone who’s never been married, let alone divorced. Lying, especially when it comes to kids, will come back to bite a person, big time. I’ve seen this in my own extended family.

On a related note, a lawyer who advocates pulling funny stuff is one to run from too. An acquaintance said her highly recommended female attorney told her, “If you tell the judge that your husband beat you up, you can get more child support” (among other things) and while IDK why they got divorced, she emphatically denied that he had ever physically abused her. So, she fired that lawyer and picked another one out of the phone book, and she felt that he gave her a very fair settlement and made this difficult time in her life a lot easier.

In any divorce, the number 1 goal should be moving forward.

The decision has been made, the relationship is not going to continue, so focus on how best to move forward with your life. In service of that goal, abandon all desire to punish the other party. Definitely protect yourself, and make sure you are getting whatever is equitable (whatever that may mean), but absolutely and in no uncertain terms resist the temptation to punish. Punishing does not serve to move you forward with your life. Lot’s of money, time, and relationships with other parties (children, friends, relatives, future partners), are wasted by pursuing punishment.

Question - wouldnt you have to prove that with say medical or police records?

Sure, there’s NO WAY a person’s ex would have any bias in this discussion and should ALWAYS be relied upon!

Well, the acrimony or lack thereof is a good thing to know about. If the ex turns out to be a complete asshole, you know something you didn’t know before. If there are children, that ex is going to be part of your life, it’s good to know if you can speak with them or not.

My ex later lived with a common friend, and every time he saw us together he’d go as white as a wall. We found it hilarious, since she’d already heard any critiques (both positive and negative) I’d had of him during our own relationship. And in those cases in which the new person and old person already happen to know each other, they’ll already have an opinion of each other.

I work in family law. If you have custody issues, never ever talk shit about your ex on social media, e-mail, or to the kids themselves. The courts in my state favor the parent who can more willingly foster a relationship between the kids and the non-custodial parent. I have seen people lose custody of their kids because they could not control their anger and bitterness, and it’s all there in writing for the Judge to see.

Also, don’t use your divorce attorney as a therapist. It’s not their job and you will only rack up thousands of dollars in bills when you call your attorney every time your ex makes you mad.

More than once, I’ve told people on my Facebook feed that they had best delete that post. :o And they did.

Several weeks ago, a woman who had a child with a man she never married said, for about the 100th time, some variation of “I am finished with this jerk!” I replied, “Yeah, right. How many times have we heard that before?” :dubious: :smiley: and I think I got unfriended and blocked. Oh, well.

I worked with her, and she lost that job almost 10 years ago because of this guy, who’s been in and out of prison along with most of her family. I feel terrible for this baby, who didn’t deserve any of it.

There was another woman who was also haranguing her husband and threatening to divorce him THIS TIME (LSMS: I think they BOTH have addiction issues) and I think she did the same thing when I said, “Are you for real this time, or is this yet another idle threat on Facebook?”

As a lawyer, I would be very leery of an attorney who tells me anything concrete at an initial consultation. Now, as a matter of custom, the initial consultation is generally free and a lawyer should be able to advise you in general terms without reviewing your finances in detail. However, telling you how to resolve your (divorce) issues without becoming familiar with your finances is malpractice, unless you are flat broke and the divorce is uncontested.

wrong thread

Another thing. Don’t blog any of it. You’d be surprised at how many women do this, with their full names, pictures of the kids, etc.; I suppose men do it too but I haven’t seen much of it.

Remember when that plane slid off the runway a few weeks ago? I saw an interview with the guy who took the picture of the plane hanging over the ocean that went viral, and I got the impression that he was a wackadoodle. Google proved me right - and yes, he had been blogging his own dispute, which included not being allowed to see his kids for about 2 years. Things like that don’t happen for no reason.

If you have the option, try to use the collaborative law. You can always file via normal channels if it doesn’t pan out, and shows that at least you are trying to separate like adults…

One bit of advice I can give is regarding after the divorce. Don’t instantly get married again. My can’t tell you how many times I went out on dates with guys that had two divorces (and double the bitterness) because they fell for the first woman that was nice. That’s not enough and it becomes apparent when the honeymoon is over. I’ve know a couple of men that married for the second time and surprise! A baby. They felt trapped because they couldn’t afford a second divorce. I’m sure it’s true for women, too.

Take the time to find yourself, fix the things you need to fix. It’s ok to be alone for a while, really. This is more true if you already have children.

About fault. My son still says, There is my version of events, and there is her version of events, and somewhere in between there is the true version of what really happened.

Only in extreme cases is one person at fault. It might be 99% one person and 1% the other but seldom is it just one persons fault.

I tried this route. Found the attorney, presented the idea to my ex, both parties met once and then…nothing. Her lawyer stopped responding to my lawyer, court orders were issued, and still nothing. After 14 months and $8,000 I asked my lawyer to file, only to be told I should find another attorney.

If you go the collaborative route make sure you ask the attorney how they feel about a “traditional” divorce if needed. The new attorney I hired had the divorce finalized within 4 months but it cost me another $5,000.

Did you get your money back from the first guy? Lawyers don’t get to keep a retainer if they don’t actually do any work.

I’d basically cut and paste this, but in bold face and a bigger font. But since **Lakai **was good enough to say it, I’ll just say it again louder, and kindly thank Lakai for putting it better and shorter than I would have.

And it could always be worse. My ex cheated on me, walked out, then came back and threw ME out, and then demanded that I come back and pay the mortgage on the house that she didn’t feel safe in as long as I was there.

Lord, we could start a whole different thread about divorce stories. Except I’m sure the BBQ Pit likely already has some.

Why should a lawyer see a financial statement that says the client has $100,000 in the bank in order to advise a client regarding how that account gets distributed if the client tells him she has $100,000 in the bank?

What is wrong with saying “according to case law and my experience, if a marriage is over 10 years, (and the money in the account was acquired during the marriage) a judge will most likely divide the bank account evenly”?

I’m not saying an attorney should guarantee a result. That would raise a red flag for me too. But if a client says “we have five houses, what’s going to happen to them?” the attorney better tell the client all the different ways a house can be divided in a divorce without looking at mortgage or closing statements.