My aunt has had a lot of psychological problems, of which alcoholism is only one. I don’t know what triggered her latest drinking episode, however. IMO, the biggest problem she’s got is that she’s been coddled and enabled for so long that she is refusing to admit that she really needs to work on herself. As long as she’s being enabled, she’s got no incentive to try to do anything for herself.
She called again yesterday, and while she did get drunk and mouth off to the cops, the worst of the charges may be some jail matrons having some “fun” at her expense. My brother thinks that she can plead down to a lesser offense and get probation or rehab and a stiff fine. It’s also likely that the judge will send her back to AA as a condition of any probation.
My aunt’s trial is pending. However, she went to L.A., and according to my mother, does not have permission to be there. So, if the court is so inclined, they can add bail-jumping to the list of charges. (I don’t know what the technical term is. Also, it looks like she really did go off and kick a cop. She also hasn’t paid her lawyer, and since my brother got her out on an attorney’s bond in the first place, her visit to L.A. may cost him his license.
So now, the family (sans me; I don’t want any part of this) is working on setting her up with something that produces income but that she can’t touch. She’ll have to go to my dad for money, and believe me, he has no problems with saying no.
Some of the punishments she’s looking at:
[ul]
[li]Jail time[/li][li]Rehab in lieu of jail time[/li][li]Probation with mandatory AA meetings and drug testing[/li][li]Interlock device for her car where she has to blow a 0.0 for her car to start (An acquaintance of mine in AA got this for the duration of her probation)[/li][/ul]
Or some combination of these. In any case, she’ll most likely have a felony on her record, so taking the bar in any state is out.
Muffin, I too am sober, and have been sober through the death of my older son, my ex’s subsequent trial and conviction, and another failed marriage. If someone has a good enough program and good support, it is possible to stay sober.
Oh, MsRobyn been there done that with a close family member. All I can say is that you have to let them hit bottom. When they start to threaten your family (like your brother’s law license) it’s time to cut them loose.
Hug Baby Doors, and do what you need to to protect you and yours. As far as your parents, I’m sure you know they think they’re helping, but they’re not.
MsRobyn, you’re and your touch-as-a-pine-knot family are in our thoughts. As I watch my mom slowly die from breast cancer, I can only thank God that at the very least I know how her struggle will end…and when (within 72 hours the doctor said yesterday).
I wish I could say the same for you and yours. Just be prepared for this to happen again and then pray long and hard it doesn’t.
I’m sorry you have to go through this in your family. While it may seem selfish, you also need to take care of yourself. So stay close to that lovely child of yours and that wonderful man of yours and appreciate what you’ve got. Draw strength from it, and be good to yourself. Sometimes that’s the only thing you can do in times of crisis.
Reason #1 of why I want no part of any decisions regarding my aunt is precisely because I don’t want to enable her. As long as she knows she doesn’t have to worry about where her next meal’s coming from, she’ll have no incentive to help herself.
My family seems to be of a mind that she’ll never go away, and the best course of action is to take care of her. I disagree. She’s been coddled so much her entire life, and she really needs to get a taste of what it means to be a responsible adult.
My aunt’s behavior is so egregious that my father (who paid her bail) had her bail revoked. She physically assaulted her own son, then tried to have attempted murder charges filed against him when he shoved her to get her off of him. Fortunately, the cops saw it for the bullshit it is. My cousin still has the bite marks in his arm from the attack. He’s in a safe place, so at least he’s got nothing to worry about.
My aunt now has a bench warrant for her arrest, if she hasn’t been picked up already. I can truthfully say that not only does this not break my heart, but I am relieved for my parents’ and cousin’s sake.
I gently suggest that the relatives who are forced to deal with her consider Al Anon. It can be very helpful when learning how to deal with the alcoholic’s “acting out”. Others who have been there will have advice on what to do.
I also found Adult Children of Alcoholics to be blessedly helpful. I’m thinking of your cousin there.
My cousin is 26 and quite a bit bigger than she is. He’s never been the aggressor, but will fight back if pushed. He’s been pushed more times than he cares to admit. He also won’t have anything to do with her anymore; she’s dead to him as far as he’s concerned.
My parents have been wonderful to him. They’ve allowed him to move in with them for as long as he wants and have offered love and support, two things that he’s never gotten from his mother.
About Al-Anon. I’ve been to several meetings, and have learned some good coping strategies that have helped me throughout this whole ordeal. My cousin probably ought to go, but hasn’t, for whatever reason. I’ve suggested to my mother that she go, but she won’t. She’s not enabling her sister anymore, at least, but she dismissed Al-Anon out of hand.
At least in jail, my aunt will not be permitted contact with my parents at all, so they’ll finally be able to relax and move on.
I got a call from my mother this afternoon. My aunt’s in the hospital, in a coma, unable to breathe for herself. Her blood pressure is in the cellar, and she’s not expected to make it. From what my mother was saying, there was massive internal damage. Basically, at this point, everything is on hold until my grandmother flies in from Los Angeles to make some decisions. Most likely, my aunt will be dead before the week is over.
The cause? Alcohol and amphetamine. The doctors think it was an overdose; they don’t know if it was accidental or intentional. Not that it matters. The end result is the same.
Right now, I don’t know if I’m in shock or just not able to feel anything for her. I’m not going to her funeral, if there is one. That’s already been decided.
MsRobyn, I too am a late comer to this thread. Whatever harsh words I have your Aunt are held in abeyance in the hope that she survives. More than anything, I’m hoping that you can get clear of all the grief she has caused you and fully realize how earnestly, repeatedly and intentionally your Aunt tried to ruin her life and that of others around her. I can only have sympathy for you right now, but none for your Aunt. The numerous opportunities she has pissed into the wind could have been used by several other people to better their lives. Instead, she has consumed the resources and, most especially, the goodwill of your entire family in a most self absorbed fashion.
Please know that my thoughts are with you and yours. Focus on your man getting home alive and let others worry about your Aunt. It’s so very difficult to feel sorry for her.