Fraught night - relationship advice sought

In My Humble Opinion
41

Don’t give up entirely until you find out he actually got your email. Interested or not, polite people respond to obvious invitations one way or the other, and he sounds fairly polite so far. If he doesn’t respond at all, I would phone him after Christmas and ask him if he got the email. Put the ball in his court so you don’t need to keep on wondering if he got it or not. If he says he got it, then mumbles some lame excuse, write him off. If he says he didn’t get it, ask him to coffee or the movies or whatever right then. Enough pussy-footing around - you want this guy, and if he doesn’t want you, he can be a man and let you know.

Oh, I also wanted to say congratulations to you for doing something outside of your comfort zone. Nothing builds self-confidence like doing things you weren’t sure you could do. If this guy isn’t interested after all, don’t let it stop you from going after other guys. There are 3 billion guys in the world, after all.

42

Why? She’ll look like a stalker by that point. Of course he got the email. Even if he didn’t, he knows where to find her.

Put the ball in his court so you don’t need to keep on wondering if he got it or not.

The ball was in his court the first time she emailed him: or even before that, at the party.

Enough pussy-footing around - you want this guy, and if he doesn’t want you, he can be a man and let you know.

So basically we’re gonna force the guy to shoot her down verbally if he’s not interested, because his not calling her and not replying to emails isn’t enough of a hint?

Nothing builds self-confidence like doing things you weren’t sure you could do.

Is she going to have more self-confidence, which she’s already said is shaky, if this guy turns her down, or will she have less and think that there’s something “wrong” with her?

If this guy isn’t interested after all, don’t let it stop you from going after other guys. There are 3 billion guys in the world, after all.

cringe

If chasing guys doesn’t work, which most of the time it doesn’t, why would women want to keep doing the same things over and over again and expect it to have different results? Sure, you’ll eventually get lucky and find some guy who’s too lazy to go out and find a woman, but we’re talking quality here. Do we just want a man, or do we want a man who cares as much for us as we do for him?

robinc308, you’ve already spent waaaay too much energy and time on this man. You’ve got a LOT going for you: you’re attractive (lovely smile), you have ambition, you’re well traveled and I’m betting well read, too. Plus we know that you’ve got enough going on upstairs to hold a good conversation. This guy’s too dumb to see it; there are plenty of others out there that will. Especially in Australia, Land of Hot Guys with Cool Accents :smiley:

43

I think that sending this guy a friendly email with a friendly invitation was a great thing to do, and if this guy isn’t interested (and is too much of a weasel to respond back and tell her so), then there is no reason why she can’t send a similar friendly email (if appropriate circumstances arise) to the next guy that strikes her fancy.

If these sort of friendly emails perpetually don’t work, then of course she needs to rethink them. But one failed attempt (if this is a failed attempt) isn’t enough to determine that. What she did with this guy was perfectly reasonable (under the circumstances) and with the right guy (which this guy may or may not be), it will very likely yield positive results.

44

If he’s very shy, he may be scared to death to go on a date with you. What in the world will he talk to you about?

I know that I was very shy, and Ivylad is so very not, so he helped pull me out of my shell.

If he doesn’t reply, shrug it off. You’ve made some attempts, he hasn’t responded, you’ve spent enough time on him.

45

Well, a day later and nothing.

I sent the email at about 9:30 in the morning, so I doubt he would have left early, which means he got it. Which means he didn’t reply.

I guess this means one of the following;
a) He got it, is interested, but doesn’t have the confidence to do anything about it.
b) He got it, isn’t interested and feels too awkward to even reply
c) He didn’t get it

At the moment, I’m working on the basis that it’s b), which is obviously pretty disappointing. I just want to know one way or the other so that I don’t keep torturing myself. Even a “Thanks, but no thanks” would be better than the resounding silence I have.

As to what next, well I just don’t know. I would have been nice to have felt attractive or likeable just once, even for a moment.

46

Robin, my sweet, that comes from inside you. If you look for validation from outside you’re going to be sorely disappointed. You have to give it to yourself.

Think about it. There are six billion people on this planet. One of them is not interested in you or too shy to do anything about it (I personally vote for (a) here.)

The odds are highly in your favor. Shrug it off…he doesn’t know what he’s missing!

47

I wouldn’t rule out a).

However, “Faint heart never won a fair lady.” So if I were you, I’d put him out of your mind. (Hard, I know, but something that must be done, I think.) If he gets up the nerve to do something, great, but the ball is in his court. And don’t think this has anything to do with your attractiveness. I seriously doubt it (I definitely doubt it).

48

Robin, when I was 22 I asked a guy out and he instantly said, no. Ouch.

A week later he rang me and asked me out. He was so thrown by my approaching him because he was shy and insecure that his first response was negative. It didn’t lead to a permanent relationship but we did go out a few times.

I think Abby’s been reading He’s Just Not Into You a few too many times. I know that if I had followed her approach with Mr P, there’s no way we’d now be celebrating 15 years together. He was that into me – he’s also terminally disorganised, shy and didn’t get his act even remotely together with regards to our relationship.

49

Abbie is aware of that book but has not read it.

50

From what I’ve seen here and on your webpage, you are a lovely gal and he would be lucky to have you. Even if it turns out he isn’t interested, don’t assume it has anything to do with your attractiveness. Maybe he is the kind of person who doesn’t believe in mixing business with pleasure or whatever. Maybe he is still getting over someone. Perhaps he’s even gay?
You did the right thing by asking him out. I have lost out on several great guys because I didn’t take the initiative when the opportunity was there. For those guys who shot me down, yeah, it hurt a little, but it was easier to forget them when I knew I had done all that I could have to win 'em over. :slight_smile:

51

As to what next, nothing. You have served twice, he has not volleyed. I think it’s his turn. Don’t rule out (a), but–at this point–he has ignored two of your emails and that is not courteous.

It’s quite possible he’s working up the courage to answer them. Things might look different in a week.

Meanwhile, what next, think of something fun and go do it. Or think of something you want to do (sometimes those aren’t always fun) and do it. And go with this thought: He’s not good enough for you. He’s not polite. He’s not thinking of how you must feel, having reached out to him. I mean, it’s not like he has to fall into your arms because you sent him an email. All he has to do is send a couple of words in return. (And it’s possible that at this moment he’s drafting the world’s most wonderful email in reply, but even so, in the meantime, he should acknowledge yours.) He’s selfish! Really, this is like when you reach out to shake somebody’s hand and they ignore it. HE’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. It is now up to him to prove otherwise.

52

Man, I never turned down a woman who asked me out. Even if she wasn’t as attractive as I would like or whatever, when I dated I considered the female population to be a buffet, I considered it my duty to sample as much as humanly possible. I had a lifetime batting average of like .120 but I probably asked women out like over 1500 times from age 18-28.

53

I stand by my earlier post - if you want to make sure beyond a shadow of a doubt what is going on with this guy, make sure he got the email with the invite before jumping to any conclusions. When I was talking with my now-husband over the phone when we were getting to know each other, I was sure he wasn’t interested because he would barely say anything to me. Turns out, he just isn’t a phone talker. After being married two years, he still doesn’t say anything to me over the phone. I just said to myself, if he doesn’t want to talk to me, he can tell me to stop calling. Otherwise, I’ll assume he likes me calling, but doesn’t know what to do with it.

In the past, I’ve asked guys out and been turned down flat. It stings a little, but you have the assurance of knowing exactly where you stand (insert rueful smiley here.)

Have you considered doing any online dating stuff? That can be a wonderful way to build your relationship skills. When I was doing online dating, I considered it “concentrated dating” - like any other skill, you get better at it the more you practice.

54

As an enthusiastic supporter of you getting in touch, I feel responsible now. :eek:

I still think it is a good idea to make it plain to a man that you would like to go out with him.
I hope you feel more confident now you’ve done that!

As for this non-reply, I’m uncertain how to proceed.

If he got it, but didn’t reply, then he’s either not interested or incredibly shy. (Either way he’s not polite, because he didn’t acknowledge you.)
If he didn’t get it, you are no further forward.

Consider the advice from the other Dopers.

55

Do remember that it’s Christmas. People have other things to do than email.