Friend is in a bad situation - suggestions how I can help?

In My Humble Opinion
1

It’s a longish story even minimizing the details, but I think it’s an interesting one. I don’t know if it makes complete sense - you can ask about anything puzzling, but I may not know the answer.

“Lou,” a soft-hearted friend of mine, age 71, has been a father figure to many troubled kids throughout his life. He’s been a Hawai’i resident for nearly 30 years now, but for years before that he had his art studio in a rough section of LA. “Troy,” a fatherless boy with a drug-addled, abusive mother, was a frequent visitor, and their friendship has lasted through decades. Troy is in his 50s now.

According to Lou, Troy is a good human being but the stresses of poverty, addiction, and gang violence have taken their toll. As a young man, Troy was spending the night at a friend’s house. The friend was targeted for a gang-related shooting and in the fray Troy was shot so badly in the leg that it had to be amputated. Troy has been in and out of recovery from crystal meth addiction. At his high points, he was drug-free, living with his wife and kids, and employed as a drug counselor. At his low points, he’s been a homeless druggie.

Lou has given Troy money over the years - I don’t want to know how much - but only when Troy has been clean. Lou always told Troy that if he was drug-free and needed a place to stay to clear his head for a while, he could come stay with Lou in Hawai’i. Lou feels that he’s given his word to Troy on this and must follow through.

I don’t know all the details, but recently Lou sent Troy a one-way ticket to Hawai’i (Troy has been living in LA somehow, or homeless there maybe) under the impression that Troy was drug-free and would be bringing a prosthetic leg, which greatly increases his mobility. (Troy’s circumstances have been such that he hasn’t always had a fitting prosthesis.)

Shortly after arrival, Troy experienced severe cramps so Lou took him to the emergency room. He was diagnosed with a life-threatening intestinal blockage and is in the hospital now. The doctors say he is lucky to be alive and would not be if he hadn’t been treated.

I am not clear on whether Troy is truly clean right now, although he must be as a practical matter since he has no local access to drugs. Turns out he did NOT bring a prosthesis which means he can’t drive a regular vehicle. Lou lives in a rural area, far from places where Troy could theoretically work, shop, and otherwise do things besides sit at home.

Lou says he feels “conned” because Troy led him to believe he had his leg. If Troy returns to the mainland he will be homeless. His wife is under court order not to let him stay with her until he completes a drug rehab program (I assume this is because of minor children in the home).

So Lou is trying to figure out how to get Troy into a rehab program here on the island of Hawai’i, given that Troy has (from California, not Hawai’i) Medicaid and disability-based Medicare. Yeah, good luck with that. All the treatment places have months-long waiting lists, it seems, and/or are cost prohibitive - one place was quoted at $1000/day.

I’m wondering if there is a way to get Troy enrolled in a California treatment facility that would arrange to meet him at the airport and take him to the program. Lou doesn’t have a whole lot of money but if insurance covered the treatment costs I’m sure he’d pay for whatever airfare/services fees it takes to get Troy housed in a facility.

This is way out of my area. I don’t know what the options could possibly be. I’m afraid Lou is going to wind up giving free housing and caretaker services to a mobility-impaired guy in poor physical and mental shape, with no end in sight. Knowing Lou, this is going to be extremely stressful (his daughter and her boyfriend lived with him for about a year and after the first few weeks it drove him crazy, as it limited his privacy and drove his food bills sky-high - but he was too passive to say anything to them).

If you are thinking, “Lou is a patsy and this is a mess of his own making, he’ll just have to deal with it,” I COMPLETELY agree. Still, Lou is a wonderful human being and it hurts me to see him in this situation. Gah!

I don’t know what I can do - I’ve already directed Lou to a friend who works for an addiction-recovery nonprofit here on island, and suggested that he look into what it would take to get Troy back to California. Unlike Lou, I DO have boundaries, so I’m not going to invite Troy to stay at my place, offer to pay for Troy’s services, or anything like that. Nor will I spend limitless hours doing research into what’s possible in California, but I would spend some time making calls, if people have ideas.

Sorry for the long post.

2

There’s no way to ship his prothesis to Hawai’i?

3

25 doper bucks says there’s no leg.

4

I believe @jnglmassiv is correct. As much as I adore Lou, I know he has a tendency to hear what he wants to hear (until he is slapped in the face with a reality he should have recognized but didn’t). So now he is mad because Troy let him think he had a prosthesis when he actually didn’t. (My guess is that Troy never outright lied, but who knows. Not me.)

5

Your friend, your call but divorce yourself from the Troy talk.

Offer your friend a kind word, a lunch. A cocktail. Whatever.
You’ve given him a resource you know of. No more is required.

But, you know Lou, so telling him drop Troy at the corner of Fear and Loathing St. ain’t gonna work.
Any tough love advice won’t work until Lou has had enough. He has to hit rock bottom of the enabler addiction.

(BTW…if Troy is disabled, on disability, he can get a prothesis.)

6

Getting Troy back to CA and hopefully in rehab is the only viable path in this. Like you say, it’s not going to happen in HI.

The focus needs to be on finding him a facility there. Transportation will work itself out once the facility is identified. Maybe a call to his County of residence? If he’s under a court order to complete rehab, is there a court liason that could be contacted?

7

Possible Hijack: I played in a Dart league with a guy who was broke, and only had one leg.

He Straight-Up made/used one built out of PVC pipe, duct-tape and foam rubber padding. Couldn’t have cost more than $20

Not a solution, but maybe a step in the right direction. No pun intended.

8

Good suggestion! I will pass it on.

Yeah, that’s almost certainly how he has had a prosthesis in the past. I think his lack of one has to do with his messed up life in some way, rather than there not being a social service program that would provide one.

If I recall correctly, and I may not, in the past he’s had trouble getting the right fit. He’s apparently a big guy, over 200 pounds without the leg! (He’s not obese, he’s tall.) I suppose if his body is crap from years of drug abuse, he may have pain, skin ulcers, etc. I don’t know.

9

You need to come to the realisation that Lou has been grooming Troy for years. Classic case.

10

That is simply not true and you have zero basis for that grotesque assumption.

11

As someone with a junkie brother that I gave lots of money to over the years, I empathize with Lou. I know that the money was basically flushed down the toilet, but it was my brother and I was trying to help him. It wasn’t until my brother was violent against my mom that I finally cut ties for good.

I wish I had useful advice but it’s WAY outside of my area of expertise. I can just say that you can’t really help someone who can’t help themselves, and a junkie often can’t. The drugs control the junkie. Not saying that a person on drugs isn’t worth helping, just that sometimes (not always) you just can’t. :frowning:

As to the grooming suggestion, that’s so horribly ignorant. You don’t have to “groom” an addict; they’ll do anything they can to score drugs. The only evidence that you need to know that this isn’t the case is the fact that Lou is trying to get Troy away from drugs.

Good grief.

:roll_eyes:

12

Wait. Wut!?

He’s not suggesting that.

That’s sickening.

I assume one thing, @CairoCarol has better sense than that. There’s no evidence to doubt her opinion of her friend, that he is a good guy. That I’ll believe.

13

Peg legs didn’t carve them selves, you know?

(That was meant to be in response to Gato’s PVC pipe legged friend)

14

I was in the lunchroom at work when reading your OP earlier and remember chuckling out loud when I got to the part about showing up without the agreed-upon leg. The ride from the airport must have been seat-squirmingly awkward. But I’m sure Troy had all the right things to say again.

From what I can tell, regardless of good efforts or good advice from you and others, things can’t improve for Lou with Troy around.

15

I think you, and other posters, are right that things will be bad for Lou, financially and stress-wise, as long as Troy is around. I think it would be counter-productive for me to openly advise Lou to ship Troy out - knowing Lou, it would just create resentment and a sense that I wasn’t a supportive friend.

But what I can do is suggest that Lou give himself permission to send Troy away without punishing himself. Will it help? Probably not. But I’d like to gently indicate that he can think about that option. As things stand now, I think he doesn’t think that is even a remote possibility.

16

A “life-threatening intestinal blockage” in a chronic addict suggests opiate usage. You assume that he has “no local access to drugs” but quite frankly it is generally the case that addicts will find a source, and there is always someone to supply them regardless of legal strictures.

It is worth whatever ‘Lou’ can afford to get ‘Troy’ shipped out of state and into any kind of program bacause all other paths involve ‘Troy’ bleeding ‘Lou’ dry, because that is what out-of-recovery addicts do. The leg or lack thereof is essentially immaterial; it is just leverage (so to speak) to invoke pity, which can be used to instill guilt.

There are some people you just can’t save, and who will drag any enablers into a morass in the effort. You are wise to maintain distance and advise ‘Lou’ do to do the same.

Seriously? There are much more appealing targets for predators for ‘grooming’ than a legless middle-aged additct.

Stranger

17

I believe you are correct, but he has only been on island for 3 days - I think the timeline is that he got picked up at the airport, spent a day with Lou, and that night or the next day got admitted to the hospital. So, he hasn’t yet had a chance to find drugs (unless he brought some along and didn’t get caught - no idea how likely that is).

As soon as I heard “intestinal blockage” I thought, “isn’t that something that happens to meth users?” so I looked it up - and yes, as you say, such a condition is often connected to chronic meth use. But I don’t know if a clean former addict is at risk, or just a current user. Probably the first option.

18

He may have a legit prescription for hydrocodone. He is having other problems, it seems.

Doesn’t mean he not an addict. (Any opiate causes blockages, it is it own disorder)

I feel sorry for Lou. He has a hard hard choice. Whether this Troy is addicted or not, he is ill. No way to walk or drive. In the hospital. In a place where he knows one person.
But your friend Lou has put himself between a rock and a hard place.

Have him talk to social services at the hospital Troy is at. Maybe they have some help to offer.

(SSDI can be used in any state, not Medicaid tho’. It is state based. He will easily qualify for that if he disabled. Probably one emergency will do it, and it seems he’s had that.
The problem is the care in a rehab of any kind that relies strictly on your SSDI and medicaid will not be the best. They will be crowded, poorly staffed and terrible conditions. Rehabilitation from anything ain’t cheap)

19

Moderating:

This is at best a hijack, and arguably a thread shit. It has nothing to do with the question at hand.

Please drop this topic.

20

Beck had the very best (IMHO, only) recommendation. Hospitals have social workers for reasons such as this.

Lou must be honest with himself first, and then with Social Services. He should say, “I’m 71 years old, have my own health problems, and my fixed income just barely supports me here in Hawai’i. I’m rolling up the welcome mat, changing my locks and getting a new phone number. Tell Troy I said Good Luck.”

Not even facing Troy to say Good Bye is damned cold. But Lou has to start thinking of LOU, and being a cold SOB is a good first step.

~VOW