Friend Losing Her Mind, Roping Me In To Insane Charitable Thing For Herself

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Really, the title says it all but I feel like telling you all the story.

I went to school with “Ann” years ago and we kept in touch on Facebook and such. Ann was one of the more flat-out impressive people I’ve ever known. She was a genius with the written word, smart, brave, beautiful, kind and really quite remarkable. After high school she engaged in a series of interesting things, remained close friends with people she’d known all her life, and was a generally awesome person.

A few years ago that changed. Ann broke up with a very, very lousy boyfriend, and had, apparently, a miscarriage. (If that last part seems a bit qualified you’ll soon found out why.) Ann came to me for a little support as she knew I’d been through some rough times with my divorce and such and I was happy to talk to her.

A few meet-for-drinks meetings in, though, it was obvious to me Ann wasn’t the person she used to be. She seemed very different. Ann was not the strong, intelligent, ass-kicking beauty I had once known. She was nervous, lacked confidence, kind of manic at times, and seemed less sharp than she had been. The breakup with Jerkface was something she was unable to get over to the point of obsession; the same 5-6 stories could be repeated, over and over, for hours at a time. And she claimed to have… health problems. A LOT of health problems. Every time we met there were different interpretations of her health problems, stories of doctors come and gone; I’ll be honest, it was hard to keep track of. However, Ann was quite convinced she had Unusually Named Disease. I am redacting the name of the disease because Ann spends almost all her free time researching it, and it being semi-unusual, she could find this thread and identify herself and me by connecting some of the dots.

Unusually Named Disease, henceforth UND, is a condition that causes asymmetric atrophy in the face, usually in females and usually when they’re younger. (You could from this find out what it is; please don’t post the name here.) Ann was convinced she had it, to a point that started to become comical because she’s be pointing at her face saying “See? See the difference, see where it’s sagging here?” and I would have to say, with total honesty, “Well… well no, Ann, I don’t, but I guess you know your face better than I do.” This alleged health problem is combined with perhaps a dozen or more other related complaints about possible diseases, alleged screwups by doctors, and a dizzying story of visits, consultations, diagnoses, alternative health providers, and any number of other things that eventually become more complicated than “Game of Thrones” so I gave up on remembering what was happening.

It eventually occurred to me that Ann’s problem might be that she is crazy. I spoke with her BFF who said “Ann is crazy.” Indeed, it appears one of the reasons Ann asked me for support was that not only had I had my own problems, but her two best friends had started telling her to get psychological help. Both have, out of sheer exhaustion, just given up on her. She quite obviously has some sort of mental condition where she sees things in her own appearance nobody else can. Why this has happened I do not know; maybe it’s related to the breakup, maybe she can’t handle aging (she is 41) maybe something else.

Recently Ann decided to raise a large sum of money - $50,000 - for surgery to repair all the “damage” done by UND. The stupidity of this is almost beyond explanation; her webpage devoted to it has “Before” and “after” pictures that show the same woman looking pretty much the same. And, frankly, the very nature of the fundraising thing is insultingly greedy. Ann is a woman of reasonably good means; she is a professional making close to six figures, owns a place, has no other debts I am aware of. She doesn’t even have a car payment (she lives in downtown Toronto.) She makes more money than I do, and I have to tell you; if I had a LEGITIMATE health problem that would cost $50,000 to fix, I could figure out a way to scrape up and borrow $50,000. It’s a big chunk of change, but I wouldn’t hold a goddamned charity drive in my own honor.

Ann wants me - I am a standup comedian in my evenings - to perform at a fundraiser for this. (Originally she was asking if I could hold a show to raise funds for her, which was laughable; comedy shows don’t even break even.) I have mulled this over and over, said I might go but no guarantees… but right now, what I’m thinking is that I cannot in good conscience help her out in what I quite honestly think is a delusional enterprise.

There is no easy way out for me here, but I’ll deal with that. If you have any wishes to send, please send them to her, because she’s really sick, albeit not in the way she thinks, and it’d be nice if she got better somehow.

2

You need to be brutally frank and politely as possible move yourself into the ex friend category ASAP. People do go nuts. This drama is never going to end. You need to stop dithering and cut the cord.

3

Whats “Facebook”?

4

It’s a book that this friend has published with before and after pictures of her face. Duh.

5

If Ann is actually nuts, then there’s probably no way to salvage your friendship with her and deny her request.

That said, don’t get involved in debating her diagnoses or her doctors or any of that. If she thinks she has this because she’s nuts, you can’t reason her out of it.

Does she have an actual diagnoses and surgeons lined up? I mean, I would think that if she had a diagnoses, the insurance you Canadians enjoy would cover reconstructive surgery. Unless she’s found some real quacks who are going to do reconstructive surgery when she doesn’t have the damage she’s talking about. In which case - you might be able to do an end run and report them to a medical board somewhere?

I found her site, btw. I didn’t post on it but I wouldn’t be surprised if she stumbles on this thread. Just a heads up.

As for the fundraiser, I would either go with “too busy” or “don’t do fundraisers because you’re an artist and you don’t want to sully your craft with filthy lucre.” Then I’d change my phone number, block them on facebooks and send their emails straight to Spam. But that’s just me. I’m pretty sure my Mom’s cats would be getting married on that date.

6

As I was reading the OP, I was thinking (exact words in my head) “You need to tell her that you cannot in all good conscience assist her in what you honestly believe is a scheme founded on delusion” - so I almost jumped out of my chair when I read almost the same words near the end of the post.

So yeah, I think you should tell her that. It will probably result in fireworks, but IMO, that’s the right thing to do/say.

7

Rick, as you know, I have been fortunate enough to have been in the audience when you have been on stage. (And, friends, Rick is genuinely funny–catch his act if you can,)

That being said, Rick. I’d advise staying away. I’ve encountered young ladies with this problem, that problem, and some other problem; all of which can be corrected with money. In all cases, the women want something that (apparently) only you can solve, with your money.

I don’t fall for this any more. Rick, tread carefully.

8

Indeed. I googled the symptom mentioned above. When I didn’t use quotes, it didn’t show up in the first 9 pages of results, but it might be somewhere further down. But when I did use quotes, it was the only result that came up.

9

Alternatively, stay friends and write comedy about her.

10

Body dysmorphic disorder?

11

That’s it!

12

My BIL has turned crazy into religion. He routinely asks my husband to join his prayer group and mission trips. He’s quite passionate about it, so I listen but I try to change the subject as quickly as possible. I love my BIL, and won’t avoid him like other family members, but I definitely draw the line when his craziness encroaches upon me, personally. Your friend is asking you to cross a line beyond “supportive” and into “enabling.” Don’t do it.

13

I’d be curious what doctor she’s working with.

I wonder what she would do if you asked to tag along with her to a doctor’s appointment. You could tell her that before you donate to her cause, you’d like to make sure her doctor knows what he/she is doing. Because you’d hate for her to be scammed, and you really want her to get help.

If she refuses to let you attend her to a doctor’s visit, then you can straight-up tell her that you aren’t going to donate. It would be irresponsible for you to shell over your hard-earned money without doing some due diligence. If she doesn’t understand this, she’s a jerk as well as crazy.

14

That’s almost certainly what she has- it’s exactly what I was thinking after the ‘crazy’ reveal- but probably not what she is raising money for, as BDD is a psychological condition, not a surgical one (other than the fact that people HAVE surgery as a result of BDD, not to treat it, but no legitimate surgeon would operate on someone with BDD).

15

This. And it sounds like JerkFace hammered on the cracks until she broke. If you have any role at all, it’s getting her to face her brokenness and get into some serious, focused therapy to find “the real Ann” again.

I had a maternal aunt who was the bright, pretty one of the family. In the 1940s, she married a guy who turned out to be a nearly psychopathic mental/emotional abuser. My aunt cracked after a couple of years, he divorced her, and a lifetime of drifting in and out of mental hospitals, diagnosed and “treated” as schizophrenic, followed. Anyone who knows about midwestern mental institutions in that era is now shivering.