OK- how the hell do you tell the difference between someone flirting with you versus his only being friendly/personable??
This question comes on the heels of a very confusing week wherein I was POSITIVE this guy in one of my classes was flirting with me: a lot of eye contact, initiated conversations, good natured joking, etc. And THEN, once I allowed myself to think that MAYBE, FOR ONCE, someone decent actually has a thing for ME, I stumble across his web page which is a huge download drag b/c of all the pictures of HIM AND HIS GORGEOUS GIRLFRIEND aka the love of his life.
Blahhh. I’m not crushed, but it’s certainly a downer. So, how the hell can you tell? And what business is it of attached men to be overly friendly to single girls, anyway?
This is a confusing one for me too. However, more often I am thinking, “Oh, he’s just being friendly,” only to find out later (when it’s too late, of course) that no, it wasn’t just friendliness.
But it’s happened the other way around too. I can be pretty gabby and friendly and if I assume that I’m not a guy’s “type” (or I believe that he’s already attached) then I don’t even think that he might misinterpret my friendliness for anything else. But a few times I’ve been misunderstood.
Blah, indeed. I don’t know what the secret is. Friendly, gabby, flirty—sometimes it’s just a fine, fine line.
I’m a guy, also very talkitive, and sometimes women tend to get the wrong idea from me too.
If I’m having a hard time figuring out if a woman is intrested in me or not I usually check out their body language. IF thats a go I’ll try a casual touch on the shoulder, hip or thigh depending on my realitive position to her and see what that brings. Being a salesman for most my life this stuff is second nature to me now. However this doesn’t preclude me from being wrong from time to time.
BTW if after all the above is done and I’m STILL not sure; I say “fuck it!” and go for it anyway.
The worse that could happen is rejection and as far as I can tell nobody ever died from being rejected. (although they may have wish they had but they get over that real quick)
There’s no difference between the body language of “really interested in this person’s mind” and “really interested in this person’s body” until it gets to the point where clothing removal is imminent.
It’s best to just say (if interested) “You are really handsome. Are you single?” or similar. If he says no, you can go “Damn” and laugh and get on with life. If he says yes… I’ll leave it to your imagination.
Don’t call him cute. Guys hate being called cute. We’re handsome. Not cute.
I would say most men are always interested… we rarely skip a chance of “fun” even when we have GFs.
As for women… some really appear too friendly and send the “wrong” signals. I think men are more at fault being to enthusiastic about going “more than friendly”.
Hey, don’t give up hope, he may be single after all. My best friend had pics of his ex-fiancee up on his website looong after they broke up (I’m talking years). Mainly due to his laziness and the fact that his super-cute dog was in the pictures.
I mentioned to him that taking them down might increase his chancces of getting a date. Who hasn’t Googled a date-prospect before? He did and it worked. He got a date with me!
According to some show I saw, (and since this is just IMHO I am too lazy to find a cite) they say the way to tell is that people who are interested in you will touch themselves while speaking to you - in particular the parts of themselves they think are most attractive. So a woman will play with her hair, or cross her arms to squish her breasts up and so on. A man might put his hand on his hip, or rest his chin in his hand. They showed examples of couples talking from a distance and it was pretty obvious without listening to the words who was flirting and who wasn’t. I don’t think eye contact and jokes can tell you much. Some people are just extroverts and friendly that way. Someone with charisma isn’t going to tone it down just because they are already involved with someone else. I have known a few people like this and they just plain don’t realize that others think they are flirting when all they are doing is being themselves. Me, I would love to have that kind of ease talking to people, but oh well. We all have our strengths. So pay attention to what he touches while he is speaking to you, and then try to observe him talking to someone else. See if he does the same things.
Now, from personal experience, I would say that another good indication is making an effort for you. That is one I have never seen someone do just because they wanted to be nice. For example, I worked at Blockbuster when in high school. We had a customer that came in once a week that I thought was flirting with me, but couldn’t be sure. But I went out of my way to set aside movies for him, he went out of his way to have me wait on him and such. I finally got up the guts to make my initerest more apparent and it really was flirting on both sides so we dated for a while. So, bottom line, if he goes out of his way to get something for you ot otherwise he shows he was thinking of you when you were not present, then it is more likely flirting and not just friendly.
When I was younger I was stupid enough to figure that if a guy told me that he had a girlfriend or was married, that he now knew that I knew, therefore any friendliness on my part was just that—friendliness.
But apparently not. I don’t know if I entirely blame the guys for this, but still. They TOLD me. I was right there. They TOLD me. I am not deaf. They had to know that heard them and understood. I did not react to the news of their SO with sadness, disappointment, or anything else. Because I didn’t care. I didn’t want anymore than friendship. I sort of shrugged my shoulders, like, “How nice.”
And yet, a few guys got weirded out because I continued to be friendly. Like I said, I don’t blame them totally for this, because for all they knew I was a shameless hussy. But there wasn’t anything “blatant” or “suggestive” about my behavior, just generic, garden-variety friendliness. I had no longing or lustful thoughts in my heart.
I don’t know what it is. I will say that such a misunderstanding hasn’t happened recently, so perhaps I was doing something inadvertantly that was giving these guys the wrong signals. Or perhaps they flattered themselves too much. Or they were just morons. One will never know.
Touching themselves may be a hint of flirtation, but touching you is even more blatant. My guess is that guys are a little more wary of making the first move physically (when they’re not sure if you’re interested), but if you touch his arm for something while the two of you are talking, he should take the bait and touch right back.
I’m usually pretty bad at interpreting signals, but I’ve never gotten that one wrong.
Check out Desmond Morris’ book; I think it’s called “The Naked Ape” or something like that. Looks analytically at human courship rituals and behaviours, among other aspects. Had I had it before I was married, it would have been of considerable help to this geek, who could never tell if a desirable lady was just being polite, friendly, or, dare I hope it, interested. There are a number of specific gestures and patterns he identifies that are related to courtship and romantic interest.
I remember “throat presentation” was one…
Thank God I’m married, and don’t have to puzzle over these mysteries anymore
I’ve heard several times that people seem to be much more successful at meeting people they’d like to date once they already have SO. Maybe he’s trying to capitalize on that idea while having the option to date anyway?
Good question. I, perhaps naively, automatically assume that guys are just being friendly when they approach me. They end up asking me out and then I feel bad (because I’m a doormat with a problem hurting people’s feeling) saying “no.” More often than not, my SO ends up rolling his eyes and calling me clueless. shrug I would love if someone had a hard and fast answer – it would save me a great deal of frustration and confusion.
Maybe the guys who are already attached are more relaxed and confident. After all, they’re not playing you for an angle (hopefully) so they’re not tense with anticipated rejection. They’ve already got a thing going. I know I have a much easier time talking to women when I know I have nothing to lose—rejection isn’t on the table—and nothing really to gain except good conversation. Confidence is a real turn-on, I hear.
I get the feeling sometimes that men and women flirt differently because we look for different things in the relationship. When I’ve been accused of blatantly flirting, it’s because I have smiled, maintained eye contact, tried to be occasionally witty (but not trying too hard), and talked about whatever she was going on about. And I thought I was just being polite.
When I interpret women’s behavior as being flirty with me, it’s when they give out compliments, ask about what I want to talk about, laugh at my stupid jokes, and the occasional connecting touch: lightly on the arm, usually, or a poke in the ribs.
My conclusion, based on my limited knowledge so far in life: women like to feel connected to the other person, men like to feel appreciated.
But hey, I could be wrong. And so far, I’ve been wrong a lot! I’ve undoubtedly missed a lot of intended signals and given out the wrong ones to boot. Perhaps my experiences tally with someone else’s?
I’ve just given up hope entirely. I don’t ever expect to find anyone, and I’m happier not having expectations. If there’s a person being a little flirty towards me and I feel an attraction, I’ll make myself scarce. The emotional let-down is not worth the anticipation, at least for me.
Sure, people think I’m aloof, distant, maybe anti-social; oh well. I have my friends, both make and female, and they know the real me. Most of them know the reason I do the things I do.
