So, how do you flirt? What have you done/seen when it comes to flirting that works well or not very much?
If context matters to your answer, presume you’re an INTJ male who is clean cut (shaved head and face, business casual clothing and wingtips) who met a woman he sees a few times a day at school, waiting for and taking the bus with her each day.
Sorry. Flirting is one of those things I never picked up. I think I failed a flirt thread here once, even.
I can say that overthinking things is not the way to go. You need to be light and not care whether you ‘succeed’.
I’ve been told I’m a terrible flirt (as in quite a flirt, not bad at it) but I don’t really consciously DO anything…apparently, as a woman, just making conversation, being interested in what a man has to say, eye contact, and smiling constitutes "flirting. 
AS a woman, I would say that given your situation, smile, make eye contact, maybe strike up a friendly, casual conversation about school or the weather. Gee, maybe I AM a flirt! 
Seriously, if she is at all interested she will respond in kind (but don’t assume she IS interested just because she does).
Clear as mud, huh?
Make her laugh. That will open the door.
Make her feel good about herself, but do it in an honest way.
I’ve seen this thread before and I think that there’s usually some jerk who is very insensitive and says something like “Man are you a troll or something? If you have to ask you can’t do it”
So, before that happens, I suggest the following link:
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=flirting&x=0&y=0&ih=3_0_4_0_0_0_1_0_0_1.36_159&fsc=5
and GL
I don’t flirt (as far as I know); I just talk to people. That would be my suggestion - talk to people, ask them about themselves, smile, be interested. I’m not sure if flirting is something you can learn if it doesn’t come naturally to you, or if it would always be strange and forced.
I just act like me… sometimes it works.
I’ve found that the element of surprise gets good results, as does quick recovery from mistakes. Honesty is good too, if you can fake it convincingly (they almost never see it coming). And it helps if you have a sense of humor… that is, if you happen to like women with a sense of humor.
Is there a specific problem area?
Yeah, I can’t be bothered to put the effort into it. I just act like myself. People either like me or don’t. I’m not going to force anything.
I find it off-putting when I see others flirting - it just seems so obvious. I’d rather just have a conversation with someone.
I think in large part it’s a question of “How do I show I’m interested in a way that’s not threatening/too forward and won’t make things awkward if it’s not mutual?”
Also, I know I can be too direct and clinical in the way I communicate. For example I’ve sent an email to a friend I used to date pretty much asking her for a befriefing to know my strengthes and weaknesses. I recognise that even thinking of getting a date debrief is very weird to most people.
Interpersonal relations sometimes leave me with thoughts along the lines of “where do you even start with this?” or “Wait, that’s it? It’s that simple?”.
I also have some kind of mental blocking when it comes to showing emotions.
INTJs mostly flirt by playfully teasing other people. (the fact that I’m INTJ too is my cite. Oh, all right, here’s a more valid cite) If you her the butt of a not-too-barbed joke and she responds by giving you crap in turn, you’re flirting.
OTOH, If she doesn’t respond in kind, you’re probably barking up the wrong tree and should stop before you cross the line. Some people don’t get the sarcasm and irony that INTJs make toys of, so you can’t expect it to work on everyone.
Be interested in her. Make her laugh. Be yourself. If she’s not into that, then she’s not into you.
I mean, as a woman I went the whole low-cut-blouse-laugh-a-lot method… I’m not sure that would work for you…
Just treat her as though you’re already friends with her. You don’t need to flirt.
Great advice. Making people laugh is almost always a good thing. It doesn’t even have to be a romantic flirting situation. Only thing I would say is, if flirting really doesn’t come naturally to you, be careful of what your sense of humor is. People with sarcastic or caustic senses of humor might be great flirters. But if you’re naturally sarcastic AND you don`t know what you’re doing, be careful. She might not appreciate your sense of humor or have any idea you’re flirting, since she doesn’t know you yet…
I realize MichaelEmouse started this thread to learn how to flirt, so clearly people do put effort into it. And it’s ok with me you don`t like to. But just so you know lots of people flirt without putting effort into it or forcing anything. I flirt with everyone and I am being myself. I have to make a point to not flirt with people when it would be inappropriate.
I’d have to say I agree. Or, if it can be learned it’s by practicing a whole lot, not something you can master with really great tips on the Internet. Instead of trying to learn to flirt, focus on presenting yourself in a light that makes you appealing. Smile, like Cat Whisperer said. Be very optimistic and positive. In a million years I could never be bubbly, but I make a point of seeing the good side of things and not complaining in front of people I don`t know well. Be light hearted.
Being interested in people is important but make sure you share a little about yourself too. Don`t be closed off.
Ah… you’re hedging a bit too much there. Non-threatening should be easy for you… sort of goes with the introvert thing naturally. But to avoid awkwardness is pretty much impossible; it’s the price you pay for giving it a go. Besides, women don’t tend to take it too personally… they’re traditionally the object of approaches, so they’re used shooting guys down. The closest I can think is just letting her know you’re available. Shouldn’t be too hard to insert that into a conversation. It’s the old problem of escaping the friend zone; a well timed “I’d do you” can work wonders… especially if can slip in a “theoretically :D” before she manages to get really angry.
Direct isn’t a problem really, clinical might be. Btw, yes… debriefing people is a bit odd; but I get it…it’s a natural approach for someone with an analytical mindset. I doubt doing a SWOT analysis is the best way to approach dating tho.
Then again, weird can work to your advantage; it can be a nice anecdote for when you do go out with someone “I was so nervous I actually asked someone to list my strengths and weaknesses”, sounds pretty honest and vulnerable… and most women seem to like those qualities. Just try not to go on about proper methodology and p values when describing it.
As long as you catch yourself going all clinical and stuff, you can always correct it. Imagine saying something like; “I can be too direct and clinical in the way I communicate… :smack: talk, not communicate… see what I mean?”.
Yea… You can’t really construct a logical progression to follow beforehand, there are simply too many variables… over-thinking it can paralyze you.
“Hi” is usually where you start, and it’s usually that simple.
Also, something like “I’m bored, want to catch a movie?” is a pretty easy way to get going. It’s not like you have to plan where your kids go to college before talking to someone, it’s perfectly ok to just talk and see what happens.
That also can be an advantage, you can verbalize emotions and and explain how difficult it is to show emotions… that honesty thing again; chicks dig that ;). I know how it is; I’m Finnish, we don’t show emotions while sober… I’m also ex-army, we don’t show emotions, period. I usually explain I’m not actually an axe-murdered, there’s the heart of a poet beating under the rough exterior. The honesty shit is so cash.
Start slow. Smile. Do you get a reaction? A smile returned is a good sign. A frown may be a test, try something funny. If she turns away, it’s not working. If she’s still there, you have to react again. Try letting you head tilt to one side a little, or look a little embarassed. Don’t make direct eye contact, you’re trying to look non-threatening. Look out for her to move towards you in some way, smile a little more, don’t move towards her unless she’s clearly moving toward you. A slight nod indicates approval. Now keep your eyes on her face, but don’t let your eyes lock on. First words, just say ‘Hi’. Success rate will vary. But the rest is more difficult. She’s been testing you, and now the questions get harder.
For women its easier. Look at the guy and smile. Move a little. Do that hair flip thing if you want to play games, but the guy’s already hooked if he’s still looking at you.
Alternate method for either sex: Pull up on your Harley, motion with your head for them to hop on the back. Guys, if you can afford it, pull up in your private jet.
Are you trying to attract someone or drive them away?
Read carefully, both.
Be confident. Use humor. And make contact (not abrupt, touch their arm when your talking to them, a slight bump as your walking along). You should be able to tell if it’s not wanted. If so, move along.
Darn you, English language and your words with multiple meanings! {Shakes fist}