If you flirt, do you flirt with intent, or does it come naturally as breathing to you? Did your mother or father teach your how to flirt or did you pick it up all by yourself?
It seems flirting has a biological basis, although the specific iterations of how it are carried out are cultural, naturally. It’s not anywhere near my area of specialty, so I’ll just link to more than you ever wanted to know about flirting.
My first impression is that it’s a natural tendency at first, which is improved with practice and the encouragement of peers—I’m thinking about high school.
There are people who coach others on how to be more open and playful with love interests, and some improvement may be achieved.
Much like dancing, some will improve with training and practice, but some will never get there, and the very best are ‘naturals.’
I can’t flirt worth a damn, so it must be learned.
spooje,
ignorant
Considering how many utterly clueless people I’ve met, I think it’s the other way around; if it were natural, everyone would be capable of it to at least some degree. First people learn how people flirt (often beginning with someone pointing out “s/he is flirting with you, you idiot”), try it themselves, then they become better through practice and approval so in time it seems like second-nature. Kind of like learning to speak or read.
I believe everyone is. Flirting is built into our unconscious body language. Much the way most people aren’t aware of their body language that signifies dominance and submission such as eye contact and posture, they do those things anyway. Flirting as a conscious act is harder to learn, but I don’t believe there’s a person who is incapable of subtly expressing their interest in another person.
If we define “flirting” as “coyly expressing attraction and drawing attention to yourself through body language”, it’s absolutely natural. Toddlers do it. If anything, *repressing * this behavior is learned.
Granted, like any behavior, some people are more inherently inclined toward or skilled at it than others, and it can be hard to re-learn once it’s been repressed.
Sorry, this just made me laugh.
Obviously you don’t know my parents but the idea they would teach their kids how to flirt…
No. Just no.
I think you’re misunderstanding: parents still flirt with each other, don’t they? So a child should pick up this behaviour.
Me? I’m clueless. I simply don’t grok interpersonal relationships. King of Soup had a great post about this here
I dunno, but I would say that flirting has all to do with one’s confidence level, the recipient’s reaction and past success. So that makes it sound like it’s learned, I guess.
I consider myself to be a fairly good flirt, for a guy. I can usually gauge whether or not the situation calls for it or whether or not the target is willing to play along. The best part about flirting is the slow escalation of innuendo, sometimes awkwardly played. It’s about being in control and setting the tone.
The hardest part is backing down when the situation demands that you can’t take the exchanges any further. That’s my Achilles heel, I often get out of sorts at those upper limits and often stumble. Getting there is the easy part. It’s backing down that’s the challenge.
I don’t have a cite but I read somewhere that a girl’s first “conquest” is her dad. She learns how to get what she wants by being cute–figuring out how to flatter him/get his attention/bat her eyelashes to get what she wants, etc…even before she’s consciously aware that she’s doing it. All kids just want attention, and little girls figure out what gets daddy’s attention. (This has nothing to do with any deviant sexual/weird/odd behavior, for the purposes of the thread. That’s a whole other thread.)
I don’t know how true that is, but I do know that ever since I can recall as a kid, I knew how to “play” my dad. Whether it was to distract him when he was angry, or to get what I wanted, or just to make him laugh/pay attention to me. It didn’t always work, but it worked often enough.
And to a surprising (and slightly amusing, at least to me) extent, these same tactics work with just about any guy. It’s just that now it’s called “flirting.” I’m not saying that I do it consciously–like I have a real motive–it’s just that I have learned what works with guys and what doesn’t. So in a way you could say that I learned how to flirt by flirting with my dad…the first guy that any girl (whose dad is a frequent presence in her life) tries to manipulate.
I’m not a guy so I can’t discuss guys flirting with girls. I have no opinion at all on whether that’s natural or learned behavior.
I just know that I don’t recall NOT knowing how to flirt with a guy.
Even so.
Looking back from the perspective of adulthood I realize my parents are both fairly reserved in their interpersonal relationships, and had conservative upbringings. My mother was raised a good Catholic girl of the old school and I don’t think she dated until she was in college. My father was actually in a Jesuit seminary until at least his early twenties.
Parents flirt with each other? Maybe some do, but mine didn’t.
The idea that I could have gleaned anything from their interactions that would have helped me at 14 to talk to girls my age is laughable.
Nobody taught me to flirt. I never picked up on it, either, because I can’t read non-verbal signals. I can’t really learn to do something by just watching it done- I almost always have to have it explained in words as well.
If I’d been told how to flirt, I might have been able to fake it- I fake stuff like looking at people when they’re talking to me, making eye contact, and the like (I don’t do that instinctively- I can’t read their nonverbal signals, so I don’t get any additional information from it).
I was going to say that it must be learned, but now I’m wondering whether it’s inherent, but can be unlearned or suppressed. Think of the opposite of all those learning experiences that bring confidence.
Flirting with girls is easy. You just say things that are actually very mean, insulting and demeaning. But you say them in a funny, joking and teasing manner.
I keep seeing this thread title…I know it says ‘Is flirting natural or learned’, but DAMN if I keep seeing ‘Is fisting natural or learned?’ which ads a whole 'nother aspect to the question. 
Mean, insulting and demeaning? Or just a little arrogant?
“Nice shoes! You buy those new?”
Or there are people like me who apparently flirt without even meaning to. I just mean to be friendly and then later on I’ll be called a flirt. Huh? Oh well.
Do you live in an area where people are reserved and solemn in their interactions, seldom smiling or laughing? Perhaps your ‘normal’ outgoing friendliness seems like interest in comparison to the closed-in mannerisms found around you?
Flirting is as natural as Farting , but what is learned is the style as your getting feedback , negative or positive from the flirtee.
Declan