Friends' Dad passed, and I must miss the funeral

My friend came down with Covid, and he ended up giving it to both parents before he realized he had it. Poor fellow, it is a nightmare that every person with older parents has a risk of living through.
His father was on the ventilator for several days and passed away early this morning.

My friend is one of the best persons I know. Guy would literally give you the shirt off his back if you needed it, without being asked.
I have spoken to him regularly and consoled him as much as I can, and he is blaming himself.

His father was a former judge and a fantastic Advocate, but more than anything he was a thorough Gentleman, no matter how strange and old fashioned that term sounds these days. I spent a lot of amazing days at their firm’s office. He was always willing to assist, advice and counsel young lawyers, and those of you who work in the legal profession know that always does not happen.

The funeral is today (as is our custom) and I have decided with a very heavy heart I cannot go. I have no fear for myself. But my family has made a “bubble” consisting of myself, my parents and sister/brother in law and his grandparents, people who live in the same area, who only meet each other, and that has 4 vulnerable people in it, and frankly the option of spending days isolating does not sound feasible, my parents while currently and God willing in the future are, well both have chronic health conditions, I have taken over most of their regular “risky” activities to spare them in the first place. Me being out of action will expose them to greater risk anyhow.

Our other friend in our group seem to have reached a similar conclusion.

I just feel awful and like s coward and an ungrateful friend, Whats happened to him could easily have happened (and God forbid still could happen) to me.

This pandemic not only kills people it destroys pretty much every support system, from consoling friends on losses to being able to say good bye to loved ones. The term social distancing takes on new meaning right now.

Sorry for the long rant.

Really sorry to hear this. You are doing the right thing and your friend will understand.

I’m sorry to hear that, these are extraordinary times.

My SIL’s memorial service in Texas was delayed until next month. To attend I’d have to fly there connecting through Atlanta. And the same weekend my nephews in-laws are having a luncheon for he and his new wife who is pregnant.
None of those folks have been masking up. No I don’t feel safe going. I’m conflicted though as my dear SIL, suffered greatly in her last few years and in her honor I feel as though I should be able to put up with some inconvenience and worry. But COVID 19 is not a little thing so yeah conflicted big time and sad.

I’m so very sorry for your loss. Your friend sounds like the friend we all need in our lives, and I understand how this must be ripping your heart into pieces to not be there in person for him. For whatever it may be worth, I’m holding both of you, along with the rest of his family, in my heart with love. Please let him know that neither of you is alone today.

And I suspect he absolutely will understand why you and some others aren’t there. Nobody wants anyone else to get infected. You’re doing the right thing.

A sad situation. You are definitely doing the right thing. A funeral is, ultimately, a way of comforting grieving friends and family and in times like these you just have to find other ways of doing that. You might like to arrange a memorial service sometime in the post-COVID future for all of those who wished to attend but couldn’t make it.

My mother just passed away (not of COVID), and we “attended” the funeral via Zoom.
Worked pretty well…

Very sorry for your loss.

I’m sorry for your loss. Your friend sounds like a stand-up guy, and his dad sounds a lot like mine.

I had to miss my BIL’s funeral last month, but my sister understood. In fact, they had to limit the number of people who could attend. Your friend will understand, too. In addition to calling him, you might give/send him a nice card with a letter detailing all his dad did for you and including a few anecdotes. Or send him a video of you talking about that sort of thing. It’ll mean a lot to him.

I’m sorry you’re facing this. I’m sorry for your friend, as well.
Someday you can visit and explain. I bet he’ll understand.

My stepmother died of COVID in April, and there was no funeral because in New York they were essentially prohibited at the time (and even if they hadn’t been, traveling 700 miles to attend would not have been safe). We held a Zoom memorial service for close family and a couple of her closest friends a few days later. I suspect that if we ever have an in-person gathering, it will be about a year or so later, when (according to Jewish tradition) her headstone is dedicated. Provided it’s safe to gather in person by then, of course.

It’s sad that his dad died because he didnt know he had the virus and that’s an easy guilt trip there. But you posted this on the 20th. I’m surprised they had him on the vents since it was proven then vents actually increase the chance of death

Nonetheless, I hope your still good friends with him. Amazing friends are rare

Cite for this, please.

I’m sorry you are having to make these kinds of decisions. The brain says you are doing the right thing, but the heart wants to be there.

So far I’ve had to miss a wedding and 3 funerals, including my grandmother. None of the deaths were COVID related, but that doesn’t make the missing funeral/reception/gathering to tell stories any easier. I KNOW they are dead, but I don’t really feel it.