Friends Vs Partner

In My Humble Opinion
1

I have a girlfriend. She has been my girlfriend for 18 months or so. Over the past 5 years, I have spent more time with a girlfriend than without. Now, I admit that, for whatever reason, I have not been overwhelming in displaying my level of committment to my girlfriends but I have been monogamous and the relationships have had their fair share of intensity and intimacy.

I have some friends. I am naturally shy,introverted and guarded so I don’t have lots of friends and I don’t make new ones easily. However, the friends I have are all, virtually without exception, very close. Amongst my ‘inner circle’ of five friends (including myself), I think it would be fair to assume that I am each one’s best friend. If and when the four remaining single members of this circle of friends get married, I would expect (and fairly so) to be each one’s best man (except my own wedding, of course). I was best man at the wedding of the only married one.

Every person that I call my close friend I have known since I was in high school or early university. This means I have been friends with each of these people for more than 10 years. There have been many mutual experiences of adversity and celebration, shared experiences of growth, coming of age and maturity. There has been lots of water under the bridge.

I have no female friends to speak of.

I am no casanova. I am too shy for that. But I have not had a gf relationship that lasted more than two years or so and I have a bit of experience with women. I have experienced the passion, the desperate conflicts, the reconciliation, the comfortable feeling of being with each other. But no matter how these relationships go, I can’t really ever compare these relationships with my friendships. They just don’t stack up. Yes, they are more intense and yes, they have a much higher level of expectation attached to them and yes, they ultimately have the potential of escalating to the establishment of a family but my friends and I have grown up with each other and developed together and that head start is just too large to catch up on.

Now, some might say that I have just yet to meet the right girl. I concede this might well be true but I also believe it is possible that I am just wired towards preferring friendships. Or maybe I am just better at relationships with men. The rational part of me says that friendships have lower expectations, lower risks and lower rewards (or at least, less intense rewards) and these things just suit my risk profile and personality.

Before any of you say “why are you seeing these things as mutually exclusive?”. Let me just say that I don’t. I am just making an comparative analysis of the relationships in my life. From this, I hope that others may provide their viewpoints and maybe change or maybe enforce my own. Perhaps neither thing will happen. I am not sure but I would love to hear any thoughts.

2

Well Johnny sounds to me like you are in desparate need of straightening out your own issues before you put your issues upon your friends. You seem to have an aversion to commitment. You say you may not have met the right woman. Whereas it may be true that you don’t want to settle yet, and when they get that oh so coy settling feeling, your red flags go up and you halt it, or slow it down to a meander.
Do all of your inner circle frinds idolize you like you say? You said that out of maybe 5 guys you think all of them will pick you as their best man? When and if they get married? Things naturally change when one gets married. I hope you know and expect that. Suddenly, your best friends have someone in their life that is more important than you are, and suddenly you are the once a month beer at the pub friend, rather than the every weekend lets do something friend. Sounds like you don’t want to let go of that.

3

I have a very tight circle of friends. I have been ‘together’ with them since 1985 and three of my friends go back to kindergarten (25+ years now). We have been through everything including great successes and failures, moving away, moving home, college, deaths, births, and everything else under the sun. A woman who once passed through our little circle commented that “You guys will never get married because you’re all married to each other.” While I would not go so far as to consider myself the best friend of each, I would not hesitate to ask any one of them for anything at anytime.

That being said, when I first met Mrs. Gaffer I attempted to spend every waking minute by her side (as well as every sleeping minute too :)). No woman I had ever any kind of relationship had ever had that effect on me before. And you know what? I didn’t care. My friends were, as they should be, totally supportive and understood the situation and were happy that I had found the person I wanted to have kids with. That was some years ago and I still have the same circle of friends. A few more of us are married, a couple of us have children. The friendship will always be there but after awhile some of us need things in life that a group of friends cannot provide, no matter how tight.

So Johnny, while I will not comment on whether or not you have commitment issues, please realize that not everyone is looking for a long term relationship. If you’re not, then don’t sweat it. If you are, then I hope you realize it when you have one and before you find yourself posting in one of those “I Lost My True Love” threads.

4

Okay. Here’s the female perspective.

Your friends. They’re important. She realizes this. She understands. She has friends, too. She doesn’t want to be MORE important than your friends. Just AS important. Don’t blow off plans with her for the guys on the fear they’ll call you “whipped.” Don’t make fun at her expense in front of them. Do let your friends know she’s part of your life.

If they’re miserable because they have unhappy marriages or don’t have SO’s, does that mean you have to be, too? (yes, kinda the Brooklyn Bridge thing, still applies, even in adulthood)

“Don’t be a guy. The world is full of guys. Be a man.”

5

Thanks for the free assessment. I’ll take it under advisement.

Sorry, I can’t see where I said my friends idolise me. That’s far from true and they would laugh their arses off at the idea. I am just each one’s best friend. Do you idolise your best friend? That makes for some uncomfortable friendship.

Yes, I see that things change when people get married. I do expect that. To what extent is not written in stone though.

I was hoping that people would offer a perspective on their own lives and beliefs but if criticism is what you’ve got then so be it.