My longtime friend “Joe” s wife has been in critical condition for the last week due to an Anerism. I was just notified by a mutual friend that she passed away an hour ago. I haven’t talked to “Joe” all week, just for the fact that he’s been really stressed out about it. Both families have been fighting over visitation and its gotten a little ugly there.
I never really knew her. I talked to her a handful of times in 6 years I’ve known them. This is the first time I’ve ever have someone I know pass away. So I’m not sure as to what comes next.
My question to you dopers is, When I see “Joe” ( I work with him), what should I say/do? I am at a loss. They had 3 children together (18, 16, and 5). What do we as his friends do/say?
He’s always been a very private person. I don’t want to intrude. Any suggestions?
Welcome him back. Offer condolences and let him know you’re there if he needs anything.
Since you’ve been friends with him for a long time, it would be a nice gesture to send a plant or some flowers (to the funeral home or to his home) and a card to let him know you’re thinking of him. Some of your other co-workers would likely be willing to chip in too.
Well, free advice is generally worth about what you paid for it, but I’ll give you some anyway.
First of all, definitely say or do something to show you are thinking of him. He’s a guy, so even just a card and/or flowers is probably fine. Or a phone call, or a brief visit. But don’t overdo it. My father was very distraught when his oldest son (my half-brother) died suddenly of cardiac arrythmia, and he REALLY didn’t want people fawning all over him, etc. We all kind of kept our distance, while offering our support. He preferred it that way. Later, he told me that some of his friends had come to him and told him of their experiences with their own children dying, and that seemed the most valuable to him of everything people offered.
So I’d say, just let your friend know that you are sorry, but there’s no need to take it much farther.
Mr Blue Sky
Welcome him back. Offer condolences and let him know you’re there if he needs anything.
Mr Blue sky is correct. I lost a wife of 16 yeays to cancer in '86 and thats all thats needed to be said
If there’s a wake or visitation, a brief visit to offer condolences is always good. It seems to make people feel good that you took the time. Also, as others have suggested, a brief note or card expressing sympathy is always good. When he comes back to work, welcome him and let him know you’re there if he needs anything.
Hardly anyone ever takes people up on those offers, I know, but they always make the person feel better just knowing you’re thinking about him/her.
Offer your sincere condolances. Tell him from the heart that you know that no words of yours will lessen the pain, but you want him to know he is in your thoughts and in your heart. Tell him that you will be there if he needs you.
Understand that none of that will feel like it is enough, but know that he will know you care.
What others have said is good, and I’ll add, food. As “trite” as it might seem, food is also a welcome thing. Get him some grocerys, easy to prepare things that someone in a mental haze cannot easily mess up making. Think of an exhausted clueless bachelor, and what they could prepare without disaster. Not saying he is clueless, but that he’ll be very pre-occupied and tired, so that he might not be thinking clearly.
It’s a welcome thing, because it will save him from having to shop, and from preparing meals if he’s completely clueless. Of course homemade baked goods are also welcomed, and will likely get eaten/served to mourners. The amount of people who come over to offer condolences can EAT a lot! Extra tasty things to offer as host is a nice thing to provide. It’s a thoughtful thing, that hasn’t really gone “out of style” and will be a way of comforting him with an action. Other than that, a simple “I’m sorry. If you need someone to listen, I’m here. Is there anything I can do to help?” then following through on your word will work.
Thank you all for the kind suggestions. I just got back from seeing him. He seems very strong. I’m sure the brunt of it will hit him later. The saddest part is his 5 year old. She just doesn’t seem to grasp the concept that mommy will never be coming back.