I logged on to the SDMB, and I see I have a notification. Someone has invited me to be their “friend.”
I am flattered and touched. Deeply. I’m just not sure that I’m the “friend” type. I’m not exactly Barney the Dinosaur, or a teletubbie. What sort of rights and responsibilities do I incur if I accept and become a “friend?” Do we have to hang out, or I am obligated to loan you money? Nowhere on the screen does it tell me what happens if I become somebody’s friend.
I am uncomfortable with “friends,” generally. I am a rogue, a lone wolf, an enigma. I am force of nature. Would you attempt to befriend the wind? Would you invite a waterfall to hang out and watch “How I met your mother?”
Bad things happen to my friends. Back in Vietnam, my best buddy died in my arms. When I became a cop, my best friend and partner got killed the day before retirement, and the bad guys framed me. I had to become a loose cannon cop on the run and out for vengeance.
I once tried to befriend a little, boy, the son of a beautiful widow woman I met while riding through a desolate western town. My horse was lame and she was the local healer. While she was servicing me… err my horse I mean I learned that some evil ranchers were trying to steal her land so the railroad could get through, so I beat up a bunch of them. As it turns out the leader learned I was “friends” with the little kid and kidnapped him.
He ended up getting shot.
Of course, I rescued him and he lived and all that, but I was forced to leave in order to protect him and his mother as I was marked man, and if I stayed they’d come for us all and they’d never be safe.
I still think about them from time to time.
This other time I tried to befriend this homeless guy. It turns out that he had this incredible gift. He was a genius/rocket scientist/violinist/dentist/or something. Anyway as I helped him out and he returned to normalcy it somehow uncovered this massive tragic thing in his past that had driven him to homelessness in the first place. The pain was so much that it was clear that I wasn’t doing him any favors. He was better off homeless. I kept trying to help him deal with the pain, but it was too much. He went beserk at the moment of his crowning achievement when he as about to prove a theorum/launch a rocket/play a concerto/ fill a molar/ or something.
He returned to homelessness cursing me for having made him remember his past.
Some friend I am.
This other time, I was good friends with this guy but I fell in love with his wife and we had a steamy affair. We plotted to kill each others’ spouse in a “Criss-cross” so we could be together. What we didn’t know is that our spouses were having an affair and planning on killing us so they could be together. What an embarassing situation that was. That one didn’t work out too well, either.
Even as a kid my friendships didn’t go too well, either. I met this little girl one summer and we imagined this incredible kingdom across the brook on a little island. It turns out she was being molested and she went to the island when she was upset to find some solace but drowned because I wasn’t there.
Another time when my father was at war, I had to look after the house, and this mangy old dog showed up and became my best friend. He got rabies, so I shot him.
So, before I answer this friend request you should know you are probably going to die in my arms, drown, end up homeless, get rabies, I’ll try to kill your husband, get shot by rustlers, or else I’ll end up shooting you myself.
I think I’m better off being a loner, a renegade, an army of one. I don’t think I’m up to the responsibilities of internet friendship, and I’m not sure you’d still want me if you knew the history of my “friends.”
I also noticed that I somehow managed to acquire “contacts.” There’s a whole list of them on the page where my friendship has been solicited.
What a rogue’s gallery of ignominious fiends that bunch is!
How’d I get them? Where did they come from? Why is this place suddenly making emotional demands and seeking a codified relationship with me?
I just come here for a little solace as I walk the earth, alone, having adventures. Even a true loner renegade like myself occasionally needs to interract. What could be more anonymous and safe then an internet message board?
The last person I met with from here, or interracted with personally was Airman Doors and you all saw what happened to him! Never again, I swore.
I have no internet friends. I work alone.
