Backstory: Bill (name changed) was my best friend for several years. He and I hung out a lot, bared souls, etcetera. He was a solid part of my social circle, and, obviously, I enjoyed his company.
About a year and a half ago, maybe 2 years, Bill met a woman and started dating her. The current theory amongst my social circle is that she didn’t like us over-much, and pretty much decided that neither her nor Bill will be hanging out with us. Thus, over the past year, I have seen Bill -once-, and that was in a we-were-both-in-the-same-place-at-the-same-time situation.
We’ve talked via emails a few times, and each time, Bill says, “We’ll get together soon…” But… Well, see the former paragraph.
So, the problem.
Yesterday I got an email from Bill saying he’d proposed to the woman and she’d said yes. I’m honestly torn.
Most of me wants to not respond at all, or to say something snarky. The problem is, I don’t know what good that’ll do for me.
Part of me wants to write and congradulate him, but I know I’d only be doing that to continue social connection, not because I actually feel good for what’s happening for him.
I was told once that friendship has to be two-sided. If I’m the only one pulling for it, it means nothing. His ‘We’ll get together soon’ sounds way too much like him assuaging his own guilt (he’s very good at that) than an actual attempt to be social.
I’ve put off and put off and put off just cutting him loose because I don’t want to lose the even miniscule, .05% chance that the friendship is salvagable. However, this recent email prods me to respond. It’s driving me nuts.
Any thoughts or insights to the problem would be helpful.
Be kind and courteous. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in all my years it’s that…she isn’t the only one stopping him from seeing you. He has part of it, too. Even if it’s just agreeing with her, he’s an adult, and there isn’t much you can do about his choices.
Besides, if the situation is exactly as you describe, and ten years down the line they divorce, you want to leave it open for him to come to you sand say, “I’m sorry man, she was a bitch,”, don’t you? If you cut ties, he’ll remember.
Cut him some slack, give him more time, and he’ll probably come around. From my experiences, singles and couples don’t always make the best hang-out situations. There’s always a third wheel. So it can make for awkward situations. Perhaps she’s a real bitch and controls him, but give time for the starry-eyed romance to wane, and he’ll want to start spending some solo time with you again.
And if you do have an SO, have you proposed a double-date sort of thing?
I had a friend once who seemed to be drifting away in a rather beeline manner. We’d email and make vague promised (Let’s hang out soon!) but nothing ever materialized. We’d know each other forever and I tore myself apart about how she never wanted to hang out, never called, etc.
Then one day I realized it’s because I never invited her out, rarely called, and generally bounced the vague promised right back at here.
Try inviting the guy for some Nachos next Wednesday at your nearest Mexican restaurant. Odds are he’ll accept a solid invitation. Friendship is work!
Just tell him congrats, and leave it at that. What is to be gained from being snarky? You can cut him loose but still leave the door open for the future.
Relationships can take on different directions regardless of whether or not your friends’ partners like the gang or not. His life is moving in a different direction. Wish him well and leave the door open to get together sometime in the future. This will happen to you about 1,245 times in your life. People’s priorities change, but it doesn’t mean they think any less of you.
Friendships come and go… that’s life. My best friend I’ve known, quite literally, my entire life. We grew up seeing each other every single day, were roommates in college, and post-college bought houses a few blocks away from each other so we could see each other frequently.
Well, I moved a few miles away, he got married and had a couple kids… Now I see him maybe 2-3 times per year. I’m always very excited when he gets a night free to hang out with me and we can catch up on the last few months. Like you, I suspect his ultra-religious wife thinks I’m a bad influence and encourages him to see other friends, but hey… them’s the breaks.
I don’t understand the impulse of “breaking up” with a buddy without a very good, and personal, reason to do so. And even then, just stop corresponding. No need for a long and drawn out process where people are pointing fingers and assigning blame.
Friendships, even very close ones, do come and go. People change. People’s lives change. And sometimes you have to acknowledge that the relationship between you has “evolved” into something different. If that is the case (and I’m not saying that it is - only you will be able to determine that), then I would be at least courteous and congratulate him.
On the other hand, truly “connection” friendships are rare and should not be discarded lightly. I have a few friends where the marriages have come and gone, but I’ve still remained close. Not all spouses fullfill ALL the “relationship needs”. I have a number of married friends who tell me stuff that they never talk to their husbands about. Or even talk about their husbands looking for my insight.
Obviously with this now fiance, your friend has been pretty wrapped up in this relationship. But there may be aspects of their relationship that are lacking. And if you and he have a real connection, he will miss that as well.
So if you two have a real connection, then I’d hang in there. You might be disappointed at how infrequently you actually talk or get-together. And it may be that he does feel “fulfilled” and may not think to contact you. But I suspect if you were that close, he will eventually want you back in his life.
(Man, talk about a “Dear Abby” response ! But this has been my experience.)
My brother’s friend, whose name really is Bill, seems to present a similar scenario. If it plays out the same way, here’s what you do:
Congratulate him, be receptive to any invitations you get. Don’t be miffed when they don’t come because the psychobitch has nipped that in the bud. Later on, he’ll realize what everybody else already knows, divorce her, and be back. You breathe a sigh of relief that you never burned that bridge.
Reviewing, here’s what your Bill is getting right: the spouse is #1. Spouse has precedence over friends, family, everybody. When they have kids, spouse is still #1. It’s too hard to make a marriage work so that is how it has to be.
What your Bill is getting wrong: he picked the wrong bride. No truly loving, mature, well-adjusted spouse would deliberately separate the SO from friends etc.
What’s the friendship costing you? Sounds like he doesn’t really lean on you for attention or money or that he’s particularly needy. Be a friend for him and give him something to come to if/when he needs a buddy.
Life is about learning stuff. If he learns how much he needs someone in addition to/besides his woman wouldn’t you be a better person/friend by helping him with that lesson?
My name is a variation of Bill. Call me “Bill-ten-years-from-now-approaching-divorce.”
The weekend I moved out, I called a couple of friends of mine from way back who I’d not-too-subtly drifted away from thanks to my wife’s influence, and, truth be told, my own lack of maturity about relationships and friendships.
Meaning, it was shitty that she demand I stop hanging out with my friends due to her own trust and abandonment issues. It was shitty of me to agree to it.
Anyway, they were both ecstatic to hear from me, and one of them immediately offered to help me move.
I count myself lucky, and I’ll be eternally grateful to both of them.