I received a thing in the mail a couple of days ago. It says right on the outside of it that I might be eligible to win a FREE CREMATION. I might actually be interested in the offer but the thing is, I’m not dead and I don’t want a cremation until I am, in fact, dead. And I want someone to be damn sure I am dead before they cremate me. Then again, maybe I am dead and just don’t know it. But if I am dead, how did these cremation people know it before I did?
I’m afraid to open the envelope because maybe it is printed on flash paper and I’m actually the winner and I’ll be cremated instantly.
I would enter to win. Then if you do win you can give the certificate as a gift to your mother-in-law. Then you can deny giving her gifts from thereafter.
On the basis she did not even use the gift you got her last time. (how ungrateful of her)
I already am an official organ donor; it says so on my driver’s license.
Maybe our new Florida governor sold my information to these cremation people and the whole thing is a conspiracy just to get my liver. Maybe they just want to make me think I’m dead so they can have it.
Now I’m really frightened; if they come for my liver, what should I do?
I shredded a holy relic paper cloth a couple days ago. I was supposed to donate money and send on the holy relic paper cloth. It’s the only mail I get that you can clean up spills with.
There is a company from a town near mine that constantly mails out stuff for hearing tests and hearing aids. You know it’s them if it looks like a wedding invitation or some other personal mail that doesn’t have a return address. It’s a game for me to always pick out their stuff and identify it before I open it. I haven’t lost in over 4 years.
You work for the cremation place, don’t you? You’re just trying to trick me out of my liver. Or you’re trying to trick my liver out of me. Either way, I just ain’t going for it.