Frightening offer in mail

I received a thing in the mail a couple of days ago. It says right on the outside of it that I might be eligible to win a FREE CREMATION. I might actually be interested in the offer but the thing is, I’m not dead and I don’t want a cremation until I am, in fact, dead. And I want someone to be damn sure I am dead before they cremate me. Then again, maybe I am dead and just don’t know it. But if I am dead, how did these cremation people know it before I did?

I’m afraid to open the envelope because maybe it is printed on flash paper and I’m actually the winner and I’ll be cremated instantly.

I’m frightened and confused.

What should I do?

What I want to know is, if the winner already has a paid-for plot/mausoleum, can their inheritors opt for a cash price instead?

Just don’t sign anything offering to donate your liver.

I would enter to win. Then if you do win you can give the certificate as a gift to your mother-in-law. Then you can deny giving her gifts from thereafter.

On the basis she did not even use the gift you got her last time. (how ungrateful of her)

I already am an official organ donor; it says so on my driver’s license.

Maybe our new Florida governor sold my information to these cremation people and the whole thing is a conspiracy just to get my liver. Maybe they just want to make me think I’m dead so they can have it.

Now I’m really frightened; if they come for my liver, what should I do?

I hope not; if my inheritors could get money from my death and if they learn about it, I’m not long for this world.

Unless I am, in fact, already dead and in denial about it.

Shouldn’t that be “gifts from hereafter”?

Maybe it’s a really cool (sorry, hot) offer from a place that offers liquid cremation. No messy ash sprinkling, just pour.

I shredded a holy relic paper cloth a couple days ago. I was supposed to donate money and send on the holy relic paper cloth. It’s the only mail I get that you can clean up spills with.

There is a company from a town near mine that constantly mails out stuff for hearing tests and hearing aids. You know it’s them if it looks like a wedding invitation or some other personal mail that doesn’t have a return address. It’s a game for me to always pick out their stuff and identify it before I open it. I haven’t lost in over 4 years.

Hide your liver donor’s card.

(YouTube video - possibly very mildly NSFW)

So instead of an urn, do you get a crock pot? :eek:

Incinerate it.

Is that film clip a documentary?

That is exactly what I fear might happen.

I don’t have a mother-in-law.

Drink yourself stupid every night so your liver isn’t worth anything. :smiley:

Wow. This isn’t what we usually mean by “zombie threads” hereabouts. You’re confusing me :).

Those things burn me up.

Does the prize have an expiration date? That would be really scary.

I think you should just accept the inevitable and just use it.

Oh, and I can hold on to your liver, if you want. You know, so nothing bad happens to it…

You work for the cremation place, don’t you? You’re just trying to trick me out of my liver. Or you’re trying to trick my liver out of me. Either way, I just ain’t going for it.

Seems to me that if you’re not sure you’re dead, cremation is an elegantly certain way to settle the matter.