Frightening offer in mail

Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share (MPSIMS)
#1

I received a thing in the mail a couple of days ago. It says right on the outside of it that I might be eligible to win a FREE CREMATION. I might actually be interested in the offer but the thing is, I’m not dead and I don’t want a cremation until I am, in fact, dead. And I want someone to be damn sure I am dead before they cremate me. Then again, maybe I am dead and just don’t know it. But if I am dead, how did these cremation people know it before I did?

I’m afraid to open the envelope because maybe it is printed on flash paper and I’m actually the winner and I’ll be cremated instantly.

I’m frightened and confused.

What should I do?

#2

What I want to know is, if the winner already has a paid-for plot/mausoleum, can their inheritors opt for a cash price instead?

#3

Just don’t sign anything offering to donate your liver.

#4

I would enter to win. Then if you do win you can give the certificate as a gift to your mother-in-law. Then you can deny giving her gifts from thereafter.

On the basis she did not even use the gift you got her last time. (how ungrateful of her)

#5

I already am an official organ donor; it says so on my driver’s license.

Maybe our new Florida governor sold my information to these cremation people and the whole thing is a conspiracy just to get my liver. Maybe they just want to make me think I’m dead so they can have it.

Now I’m really frightened; if they come for my liver, what should I do?

#6

I hope not; if my inheritors could get money from my death and if they learn about it, I’m not long for this world.

Unless I am, in fact, already dead and in denial about it.

#7

Shouldn’t that be “gifts from hereafter”?

Maybe it’s a really cool (sorry, hot) offer from a place that offers liquid cremation. No messy ash sprinkling, just pour.

#8

I shredded a holy relic paper cloth a couple days ago. I was supposed to donate money and send on the holy relic paper cloth. It’s the only mail I get that you can clean up spills with.

There is a company from a town near mine that constantly mails out stuff for hearing tests and hearing aids. You know it’s them if it looks like a wedding invitation or some other personal mail that doesn’t have a return address. It’s a game for me to always pick out their stuff and identify it before I open it. I haven’t lost in over 4 years.

#9

Hide your liver donor’s card.

(YouTube video - possibly very mildly NSFW)

#10

So instead of an urn, do you get a crock pot? :eek:

#11

Incinerate it.

#12

Is that film clip a documentary?

That is exactly what I fear might happen.

#13

I don’t have a mother-in-law.

#14

Drink yourself stupid every night so your liver isn’t worth anything. :smiley:

#15

Wow. This isn’t what we usually mean by “zombie threads” hereabouts. You’re confusing me :).

#16

Those things burn me up.

#17

Does the prize have an expiration date? That would be really scary.

#18

I think you should just accept the inevitable and just use it.

Oh, and I can hold on to your liver, if you want. You know, so nothing bad happens to it…

#19

You work for the cremation place, don’t you? You’re just trying to trick me out of my liver. Or you’re trying to trick my liver out of me. Either way, I just ain’t going for it.

#20

Seems to me that if you’re not sure you’re dead, cremation is an elegantly certain way to settle the matter.