If Any of you Dopers should recieve an unwanted Fruitcake as a gift this holiday season, And you have no place to dispose of it, I am here to save your day.
Post here as an RSVP, and e-mail me when you recieve the horrid thing.
I happen to love them, the nastier the better. And no I am not trying to build a house, ot armor my car with them, I plan on eating them all. (Good thing they will last me for years to come.)
Actually the only good fruitcake–an oxymoron if there ever was one–is slowly, carefully fed spiritous liquors over a span of weeks. They’re baked and then slowly doused in so much booze they couldn’t mold in a rainforest. The eater gets soused enough on a few bites they don’t notice how basically disgusting it is.
Most are just leaden lumps.
Fess up, guys; you’re really solicting fruitcakes to make the Guinness Book of World Records: largest single-family dwelling built on an indestructable fruitcake foundation.
I’m not soliciting fruitcakes. fnord1966 is. I wouldn’t dream of cutting in on his action! But if a fruitcake or two did happen to find its way to me, what’s a guy to do?
Buy antacids; lots and lots of antacids. Alka-Seltzer, Tagament, Maalox, Pepto-Bismol–and you might want to pick up some industrial-strength constipation cures while you’re at it.
Please, I beg of you (plural) for your own good! Turn away! Just say no! There’s still time! The stuff is rancid nuts and preserved fruit with a half-life of plutonium, bound in a Portland cement batter.
My story began long ago, when I was but a wee one. Mother dear would make not one but TWO fruitcakes in October each year. Seductive beauties, these were, full of delectible candied fruits, succulent raisins, and chunks of walnuts, all surrounded by a rich, whiskey-ladened spicecake. Once a week, she’d perform the sacred ritual of the bathing of the cakes by carefully unwrapping them from their cheesecloth cradles and liberally pouring more of Tennessee’s finest over this food of the gods. I would watch, betwixt’d by the luscious sight and smell, barely able to wait until the golden cakes had achieved their ultimate level of perfection.
::wipes drool away::
Mother dear was no fool. She understood calendars and the time it took to create these eighth wonders of the world. It was no coincidence that perfection came on Christmas, when we were already heady from the holidays. The cakes would come out and Mother dear would skillfully slice thin pieces for each of us. Gaudi’s Rosette Window came to sit on our plates. Quivering with anticipation, we’d spork off a piece and gobble down Nirvana! Fruity intoxication would melt in our mouths and we’d sigh the sigh of the truly sated.
::anybody got a gingerbread cooky to tide me over??::
My connect, er, Mother dear is doing fruitcake again this year. And I can’t wait. (Okay, so I’m not repentent.)
fnord, what sort of demons are haunting you? What is it that drives you to torture yourself with the evil fruitcake?
I’ve read of many sad things on this board - self-doubt, cutting, loneliness, self-mutilation, and now…now…this.
Fruitcake self-abuse. It is indeed a dark day in Dopeville.
C’mon fnord, be like Paul Harvey and tell us the rest of the story. Give us The Straight Dope. Surely you don’t plan on actually eating these things, do you? You’re playing a prank on someone, right? Or maybe…
With winter coming up, you need them for trunk ballast in your real-wheel drive car.
You’ve got a really big shotgun and you want them for skeet practice.
You plan on taking the four biggest fruitcakes, drilling out axle holes, and using them as tires. They’ll do at least as well as Firestones.
They burn longer than a DuraFlame log, and in prettier colors, too.
“Now improved! With real wood crackling sounds!”
You’re actually in the mafia, and soon those who disrespect the family will go for a boatride wearing the dreaded “fruitcake shoes”.
Ah, Brachy, is Mom bringing said fruitcake to Florida for Christmas? I hope, I hope, I hope. I have been soaking fruit in cognac since end October with the idea that she was bringing another spice cake. Two or even three are better than one.
:tap,tap,tap, taptaptap badaboom: another reason to be happy today!
Actually, this reminds me of another confectionary delight. Now that I live but a mere 50 minute drive away from the home of Jack Daniel’s, I can get those delicious little Jack-soaked chocolate cakes. Perhaps after two or three of those cakes I could muster up the courage to try a piece of homemade fruitcake. A small piece. [sub]a tiny little piece[/sub]
Come to the dark side, Dire Wolf. It starts with the first bite.
(Yep, kiffa - Mom’s bringing fruitcake. Will you make that English fruitcake again? My head will explode with delight.)
Oh, so that’s how it works. I see. The first taste is always free, right? Then you’ve got me hooked, and soon I’m reduced to a shaking fruitcake junkie, right? Right? I know your kind, brachy! You better not be peddling those things within 1000 feet of a school yard!
Dire Wolf, how else do we get you to take that first step on the road to debauch, um, enlightenment? But peddle this stuff to children? Strange children? Well, we are talking about fruitcake that should come with a warning as in “Don’t eat this fruitcake and operate heavy machinery at the same time” or “Keep away from open flames.” So I say give them the Shirley Temple version.
When my grandmother was alive I used to make them for her every year. I’d start Thanksgiving weekend, which would allow for a full month of soaking in bourbon. And I never used any of the nasty bits in there.
If Any of you Dopers should recieve an unwanted Fruitcake as a gift this holiday season, And you have no place to dispose of it, I am here to save your day.**
Nonononononononononononono!!!
Look, fnord1966, you’re violating the Law of Physics here! It’s been conclusively proven there are only 3 fruitcakes in the whole Universe. There just seems like a lot more 'cause they get swapped around so much.
If you were to get all 3 fruitcakes in close proximity to each other, who knows what catastrophe might happpen! The universe might well implode!
Aww, come on, there has to be more than 3 fruitcakes un the universe, I was at Costco day before yesterday and there was a table with about 300 on em on it. I just had to get 3 of them.
All gone now, I feel kinda funny. Better get ahold of some ex-lax just in case.
Dont take this as a hint that I dont want your fruitcakes, I still want all of them.
