Fuck Spanx!

The other day I was at the store and I saw them selling Spanx. For those of you who don’t know what Spanx are they are footless pantyhose that are designed to basically smooth out your body to prevent panty lines and cellulite from showing through your clothes. They had them on sale at the Lane Bryant where they were showing a video of various stars, from Jessica Alba to Queen Latifah, who were all on the red carpet extolling the virtues of Spanx.

I looked down at my thighs and thought, “Self, you are super sexy but a little smoothing out wouldn’t hurt anything. That would be a much more professional look for work too…having your coworkers see your panty lines is just not appropriate!”

Then I looked at the price. $28 for pantyhose! These had better be fucking magical pantyhose for $28! I put them down and started to walk away but then I caught the video out of the corner of my eye again. The women all looked so smooth and elegant. I want to look smooth and elegant! So I picked up a package, verified that they were the correct size according to the chart on the back and bought them so that I too could appear cellulite free because these did indeed appear to be magical pantyhose.

Flash forward to this morning when I am getting ready for work. I pull out the package of Spanx and open them, getting ready to be the sleek, smooth woman I am told I can be by the outside of the package. These were special Spanx too, designed to cover love handles and such on your tummy as well so I was super excited.

Fuck me! They were maybe 18 inches long and 5 or 6 inches wide. I looked down at my ass and laughed at the thought that I would be able to squeeze into that but then I thought about my smooth, streamlined figure and I proceeded to force myself into them. (If you want the appropriate mental image, imagine squeezing all of the toothpaste out of the tube and then trying to put it back in again.) It took about 10 minutes but I finally got them on properly before I discovered the pee hole. :dubious: That’s right, they knew that it would be so difficult to get in and out of Spanx that they added a hole in the crotch so you don’t have to take them off to pee. Better line everything up correctly though or you will spend the rest of the day in urine soaked pantyhose!

Well, I wasn’t going to pee through the pee hole but they will still serve their purpose right? I walked around for a minute or two to see how they would react over the course of the day and found that the legs rolled up and the top rolled down any time I bent at the waist. So now here I am in the world’s most expensive pantyhose dealing with rolling up ends and a pee hole. :mad:

I took them off and put on normal undergarments before I went to work because I am not insane. But now I am pissed as hell because these are the most expensive pantyhose ever and I can’t return them now that I opened them so I am basically out $28 for 10 minutes of tormenting myself this morning. Fucking ass-tastic, recockulous pantyhose! I am going to email the Spanx lady and see if she will give me my money back. I bet she invented these as a hideous torture device and laughs every time she makes a damned sale, imaginine a slew of women hopping around their bedrooms trying to put these on or trying to line up the hole so that they can pee. I bet she smells women discreetly in public to see how many were stupid enough to try to pee out of that fucking hole. Fucking Spanx!

Ah ha ha!

I had no idea Spanx had peeholes.

Gee, a product that can make Jessica Alba look hot. Sounds like a real miracle worker…

Well, that does answer a question I had about them–see, my son got married a couple months back and my daughter was a bridesmaid and she bought a pair of Spanx (technically, they were a different brand but same concept) that were supposed to go from just under her bra down to mid-thigh. Now, my daughter is a tall, athletic woman with broad hips who is not by any means fat but it took her about twenty minutes to get into that thing and she cussed like a sailor the whole time. I was in the bathroom putting on makeup during the process and she flatly refused to allow anyone to look at her while donning this marvel, not even her fiance or her mother. Since I wasn’t allowed to watch the en-sausaging process and since any later mention of the despised garment met with a stony silence and a gimlet glare I never did get my question answered, which was what in hell do you do when you need to pee? So now I know, but I have another question–what in hell do you do if you need to take a dump?

It’s great being an old lady–if anybody takes exception to my slack tummy or other bits of extra jiggliness they can fuck right the hell off 'cuz there’s no way in hell I’m wedging myself into something like Spanx!

I don’t really know how to say this without offending the OP’er, which is not my intention, but it sounds like there is the smallest, teeniest, tiniest chance your Spanx may possibly kinda sorta been mabe just the slightest bit

[sub]too small[/sub]

I’m just sayin’! I’m sorry!

I think you should probably take a dump before you put the Spanx on. Well, I suppose it doesn’t really matter because you won’t be wearing them for more than about 15 minutes anyway, but if you actually were able to wear them for a day you would probably want to poo first.

I thought about that Jodi, but if they were too small then they were incorrectly packaged because I was very careful about picking the correct size. I am not one of those fat chicks who tries to squeeze into clothes that don’t fit because I can’t deal with being fat. I am cool with the fatness and wear clothes designed to fit me properly. Spanx are just made by the devil.

If it’s worth anything, my mom has a pair and she absolutely loves them. She swears they are incredibly comfortable.

Haven’t heard if they have a pee-hole though.

It sounds like it should come with a tube to use for peeing.:slight_smile:

This situation is extremely funny to me, and I have an ear to ear grin right now.:smiley: I didn’t buy one though, so I’m not steamed about the $28. I’d be pissed if I was the OP.

I can see the bridesmaid using a scissors to remove it later that day.:slight_smile:

Darn. My cheeks are starting to hurt from the grinning.

Is this your first “compression garment” experience? It’s not an antigravity device - it works by compressing you, and to do that it must be hella tight. Surely you’ve seen movies of someone being laced into a corset? That’s no bed of daisies either. From a pre-spanx bridemaid incident, I can attest that all smoothing garments that work by compression are equally hilarious/horrifying to get into…requiring, on average, a pair of pliers and a winch attached to a half-ton pickup… and spanx are comfier than most.

I don’t see why you can’t return them…does the receipt specifically say they can’t be returned? As long as you have the receipt and the original package, you should be able to get your money back, or at the very least a store credit or exchange. Don’t assume until you ask…

I am trying not to make a joke about the title “Fuck Spanx” using a reference to the “pee hole” but I’m failing, aren’t I.

Oh, that isn’t a peehole after all, eh?

I use Spanx and like them the best of all the “smoothing” undergarments I have tried (which is a lot). They’re not as stiff or bulky as a lot of them - they are made of a silky lightweight knit. The main problem I have is when you sit down, the waistband tends to roll down, so I have to adjust it quite a bit. But compared to wearing nothing, they’re awesome.

I do find that it helps if you get one size up from what the chart says you need. It still works, they’re just not as hard to get into.

I have a pair which I’ve worn on rare occasion. They’re WAY better than any other shapewear I’ve ever tried. They’re a lot more comfortable, less weirdly bulgy, and they don’t move around as much. (Yes, they have a pee hole, but I have never tried to, er, use it.) But my boyfriend has rarely laughed as hard as when he saw me ooze myself into them once. “This is the least sexy thing I’ve ever seen! It’s less sexy than when I watched you de-vomit your car!”

My, Zsofia, he’s quite the keeper! :stuck_out_tongue:

Really?? Who the hell would buy used underwear? And if the answer is “nobody”, why should the store take a loss?

Another vote for return them. You weren’t able to try them before you bought them, and they don’t fit. I’d bet they take them back.

You most certainly can return them. Spanx gives a 30 day guarantee, IIRC. It’s built into the price of the garment.

No no no. There are no “almost” Spanx. There are Spanx, and there are everything else that’s shitty in shapewear. They may look the same, but they’re not built, nor do they work, like Spanx.

Is the peehole new? Or is it just in the pantyhose style? I’ve got several of the ones that look like shorts, and they have no peeholes. To get them on, you just gather them up like you would pantyhose (that is, don’t hold them at the waist and expect to step into them like shorts) and pull all the gathered material all the way up the leg, then find the edge and pull that back down. My only problem is that I’m ridiculously short waisted, so the waistbands do tend to roll down, but the legs never move once they’re tugged down far enough.

And they don’t make a line on my thighs! I can’t figure it out. Voodoo, man. No other explanation makes sense.

You can have my Spanx when you peel them from my cold dead thighs.