It’s early Sunday morning, and I’m just curious: Who and what is pissing you off?
And I mean, REALLY pissing you off. Feel free to leave your list below, as I plan on leaving mine:
People who talk on their fucking cell phones at the movies. And I don’t mean the occasional asshat that forgets to turn his phone off, and it rings during the previews of whatnot–although that IS annoying, I can at least forgive it. I mean people who have actual full-length goddamn conversations while people are trying to enjoy a movie they overpaid for and shitty popcorn they got (no pun intended) CORNHOLED in the wallet for. You’re only alive because it’s illegal to kill you, motherfuckers. Hang the fuck up–I’m trying to watch “Rules of Attraction.”
Anybody who wears a pair of headphones of a Walkman in public that isn’t exercising. It’s gotten to the point now where everybody has an annoying cell phone fetish (see #1) and they CAN’T FUCKING HEAR THEM ANYWAY because they’re constantly pumping music through their brains at 140 decibels. These are, I presume, major players in the recording industry–especially the 17 year old “executive” that delivered my pizza the other night, and was listening to Eminem the entire time I handed him the money.
People who work menial, shitty jobs that feel they must fuck with me to make themselves feel better. Hey, I sympathize. Working at the KFC on a Saturday night must suck. This, however, is what I classify as a YP (Yo’ Problem) and not a MP (guess). If you don’t like it, in the words of Mister Pink, learn to fucking type. I don’t need your smarmy teenage attitude you pimply little fuckwad. Just hand over my DVDs and I’ll be on my way, and YES, they’ll be back on Thursday before midnight.
Any husband that can remember exact football statistics from the 1985 Rose Bowl, but can’t be bothered to remember his wife’s birthday. Ordinarily I wouldn’t give a shit, but I’ve noticed recently that anti-male sentiment is at an all-time high, and you’re adding to the ever-growing stereotype that all husbands are bumbling sports junkies, little better than children, and can’t be bothered with anything that doesn’t directly effect your hunger level and/or orgasm ratio. You’re fucking it up for the rest of us, morons.
Any husband that buys his wife flowers every week, does all the household chores and takes care of the shopping and yardwork. YOU’RE fucking it up for the rest of us even worse, asshat. Nothing wrong with keeping the grade curve high, but you’re overdoing it.
People who refuse to take responsibility for their own actions. This is a HUGE group of offenders, including anyone that sues ANYONE when the slight or injury in question is obviously what I refer to as “Your Fucking Fault ™.” This catch-all category includes the burglar that sued the family after hurting himself robbing their home, the lady that burned herself on hot coffee at McDonalds, and the asshat that sued the fast-food franchises because he was an unhealthy fat fucking idiot. I’ve got a whole bag of Fuck You right here for your tubby ass, pal. Come get some.
Anybody that has it in their fucking head the notion that My Kid Is The Most Important Entity This World Has Ever Known. I believe George Carlin said it best when he said, “Kids are like any large group of people in the world–a few winners, a whole lot of losers.” This group includes ANYBODY that’s ever blocked off a city street with small yellow barricades so their asshat spawn could play in the road. (Hey Kids! Look up my OTHER separate rant on this topic, “Chastain86 Wars With His Neighbors.”) Fuck you all with hot pokers. Teach your kids from an early age that, while Mommy and Daddy Will Love You Forever and Ever, most of the rest of the world Doesn’t Give Two Shits About You ™ and you will be doing them a true service.
The fact that there seems to be more boy bands than ever, and it makes the Baby Jesus cry. The new trend seems to be that they’ve all decided to go ‘solo’ and now, instead of The Five Amazing Asshats, now I’ve got five times the shitty manufactured-for-impressionable-preteen-girls-who-will-one-day-be-mortified-they-ever-liked-this-shit music flooding the airwaves. We’re fortunate that we live in an age where lots of good music is available at the touch of a download, but on the opposite side, I’m unfortunate enough to work in a place where they play this wannabe crap on all the radios in my department. Fuck.
All the motherfucking spam in my e-mail mailbox. Listen, I look at as much porn as the next guy, but I’m the most frugal masturbator mankind has ever known, and if it ain’t free, I ain’t payin’. So quit it with the spam traps and popup ads and Suzy’s wet hoo-hah here and enlarge your penis there. Enough.
and lastly…
People that piss and moan all the time about things that piss them off.
It’s a small thing, but it’s the first thing that came to mind. (I’ll get back to you on the BIG things that piss me off.)
People who call YOU up and the first thing they say is, “Who is this?”
EXCUSE ME, but you called me. I have no obligation to answer the phone, or talk to you, or give you any sort of information. Tell me who you are first, and then I will decide whether or not I want to talk to you, or merely hang up on you.
I always ask these people, “Who is this?”. They usually tell me their name, and all is fine. One time, some little jerky teenaged twerp refused to give me his name. I was too astonished to hang up on him (he turned out to be the son of a co-worker) but next time anyone does that, I will hang up on them.
I basically agree with your post except for this - why can people only listen to their Walkman during exercise, and no other time? I listen to it on the train on the way to work sometimes, and headphones are required so that I don’t disturb other people.
Mind you, I don’t have it turned up to levels where others can hear what I’m listening to - I take off the headphones and can’t tell at a fair standing distance - and I always remove them when interacting with other folks. Was this your real gripe?
Let’s see, I have a $40,000+ car AND I want to go to the mall. I don’t want anyone to scratch it with their <$40,000 POS, so I think that, by parking across FOUR parallel spaces, people will see that my $40,000+ car is more important than their POS and they wouldn’t dare drag their keys across every body panel.
Well, we live in a townhouse, so there isn’t any yardwork. Instead of yardwork, I do the cooking, so I guess it balances out. I didn’t realize I was making it tough on you guys, though. Sorry.
People who put their clothes in the dryer late at night and then go to bed. For some reason, these are usually people who like to sleep until noon the following day. We have 4 washers and 4 dryers for this complex, and two dryers were filled with very cold dried clothes.
People who make no effort to control their kids or teach them proper behavior. No it is not okay for you eight year old who should know better to be throwing stuff at the food store. No it is not okay for him/her to bump into other people or be otherwise rude and then not apologize (sane people will be a lot more forgiving if they apologize…we know the kids are in their own world until a certain age…it’s just important that they realize when their world interferes with others’). Some screaming or meltdowns can be dealt with…sometimes kids have that as an outlet (as long as this happens infrequently.
Don’t get me wrong, I love kids, but please, parents, teach your kids how to be considerate people at a young age. Otherwise they’ll grow up to be inconsiderate adults…LIKE YOU!
People who think their baby is as fascinating to everybody else as it is to them.
Women who won’t shut up about their wedding plans. I don’t give a fuck. You’re not the first person who ever got married. it’s really not that special.
Assholes who feel the need to crank their car stereos as loud as they can possibly go. I hate being stuck next to these anal polyps at a traffic light and having to hear that BOOM BOOM BOOM of the bass rattling my windows and drowning out my own radio. FUCK YO-o-o-o-u-u-u-u. I hope you stall out on a rail road track and can’t hear the train. And your taste in music fucking SUCKS you fucking little wigger FUCKHOLE!
Packer fans.
Drunk people, in any context, at any time. (redundant for packer fans)
Stupid Medical Personnel.
A couple of years ago, I had a scope procedure to remove a kidney stone. The doc put in something called a “stent” to keep my urethra from closing. A week later, I’m in the doc’s office to have the stent removed, and even though I have no sign of infection, he gives me a couple of antibiotics to take that night. So I say to the nurse (NURSE, mind you) who hands me the pills “so, this is just a prophylactic measure?” and she says “no, it’s to keep you from getting an infection”. Fucking duh!!
People who can’t tell the difference (according to my standards) between merely drunk/stoned people and obnoxious drunk/stoned people. Here’s a clue: If they’re assholes while sober, they’re turbocharged assholes while inebriated. Learn it. Love it. Live it.
“Reformed” people. Whether drinkers, junkies, smokers, whatever. Something didn’t work for you and you quit? Good for you! Think you now have the key to manage everyone else’s problems? Sit down and shut up, asshat!
Knee jerk conservatives/liberals/whatever. The world is not black and white. It’s not even shades of gray. It’s the entire spectrum of colors. Use that wonderful thing you have called a mind and form your own opinions. It doesn’t hurt. Really.
I think there’s too many for me to list that piss me off. Ehheeh
That said, I give the rant an 8. Pretty good, but because I can be biased, I knocked it down a point because there was a little too much I disagreed with to give it a higher rating. I’m so bad! :b
I’ve gotta go with DeniseV on this one. I wear my headphones to my iPod, not only while walking the dog, but while grocery shopping and eating lunch (assuming I’m alone). I’ll grant you that if someone is talking to you and you have to keep saying “What?”, it’s on too loud and you should turn it off. But if everybody can hear everybody, what’s the big deal?
However, I must take major exception to this:
This sounds to me like a serious excuse to be insensitive. What any other man does for his SO is none of your business, and has nothing to do with your marital relations. If your wife is really reacting in such a manner to cause you to post this, my sympathies. Otherwise, you’re overreacting in a truly biblical sense.
I can only assume you’re joking with this one. If you are, let me say: Heh. If not, get bent.
Although I’m not with you 100%, I had to comment on this.
This drives me absolutly bonkers! I can remember a few years back, I was in a theater with a friend, and some idiot gets a call. He answers, than says "what? WHAT?! I CAN’T HEAR YOU! "
he then raises his voice so he can be heard over the movie-
“OH OKAY! NO, I’M JUST AT THE MOVIES. EH, IT’S OKAY. WHERE? HMM, YEAH, I’LL SEE YOU THERE. NAH, DON’T WORY ABOUT IT, I’LL TALK TO YOU LATER!”
It reminds me of the opening of Trigger Happy TV (he got more than one nasty stare
A cool 180- I went to see Red Dragon earlier this year, and before the previews started, a man is walking in and his phone rings. Random people in the audience yell semi-jokingly “Turn your phone off!” he, chuckles, apologizes, and does just that.
Parents (some of whom I know personally) who overindulge their kids, cater to their every whim, buy them everything, take them everywhere, play servant to them–and then COMPLAIN THAT THEIR KIDS ARE SPOILED BRATS! Was that the kids’ fault? Did they get that way on their own? Good gawdamighty.
And people (some of whom are the same as in the above paragraph) who run their major appliances at all hours, as well as their ceiling fans, heating and cooling, tvs, stereos, DVDs, VCRs, computers, space heaters, white noise generators, portable air cleaners, lights, etc…and then COMPLAIN THAT THEIR ELECTRICITY BILL IS REALLY HIGH AND IT’S THE GOVERNMENT’S FAULT.
But then, to these folks, everything really is somebody else’s responsibility–never their own.
