So it’s Sunday. That’s universal laundry day. I, like any good Universarian, went to do my laundry. It was a small load. I just needed to do a few darks.
So I bring down two towels, some socks, and a pair of jeans. I check the right pocket, clean it out, check the left pocket, clean it out. I throw it all in and put in the detergent.
You all with me so far? Well I sure hope so because this is pretty basic stuff right here.
I listen to the machine fill up (because I’m that bored) and the eventual chooga chooga chug of the cycle being started. I go off, thinking that I have left my clothes in the care of a trusted servent of the Ender household. Little did I know that this machine was the spawn of Lucifer himself.
No, it didn’t chew up my clothes. That would be too easy. Instead it did something much more vendictive. Something I might even credit to an artificial intelligence within the GE software. It took my billfold out of my jeans, and proceeded to plaster all the contents of my wallet to the walls of the washing machine.
Now you might be asking yourself: Ender, why didn’t you take your wallet out before you did your wash? Are you a complete moron? To that I reply: stop fucking hijacking my thread! We’re talking about the goddamned washing machine here.
Business cards. Gone! wallet, shreaded. And you know what pissed me off the most?
[sub]What, Ender?[/sub]
Thanks for asking. My friggin Subway card! It took my months to get 8 stamps that I remembered to lick and place on my card. I think I’ve bought double that amount since September. I even had all eight last week and they wouldn’t accept it because one of the stamps was torn. So I bought another sub, knowing that I finally had all 8. I would get my sub next week. Now it’s gone. I found two stickers. The card appears to have disintegrated. Cripes!
So, mr. washing machine. You may have won the battle but the war is long from over.
Tomorrow, I’m rearranging your tubes in back so you can go felch yourself.
