Fucked up anorexia

The BBQ Pit
1

allright, enough with my fluffy posts. This is serious. I am so FUCKING sick of this anorexia bulimia BULSHIT I could FUCKING scream!!!

For those that have read my previous posts, I have a girlfriend of a couple years and things seem to go well. She the coolest lover and coolest friend. But this anorexia bulimia shit always rears it’s ugly fucking head and screws it all up.

A simple trip out of the bathroom and a ‘how do I look honey’ turns into a nightmare for me. Yesterday, aftter retrieving her clothes from the laundy, she says ‘look at how much my clothes shrink when I overdry them’. I say ‘honey it’s too much. You’re way too small’. Biggest argument of the month fucking ensues. ‘Why would I humiliate her like that’, she asks. ‘You make me feel like shit sometimes’. What the fuck!!!

I can’t condone this behavior nor can I belittle her on it. It’s shit people have to deal with. But why the FUCK do I have to deal with it on a daily, hourly, second, FUCKING BASIS. I feel like letting her go but I can’t. It’s not her, It’s this FUCKING BULLSHIT of a feeling for her.

If she could only give up this desease, inner feeling, anything that could make her feel better about herself, I could go on. She’s the prettiest thing I’ve ever met, with a pesonality to boot, but she’s unable to see any of it.

I’m ranting.

She just left, its 12:15 a.m., and the latest argument, after a fun night out, revolved around whether or not I would stay with her if it got worse. I said hope we can make it.

BAM

‘Your’re not supportive of me. I try and try to be supportive of your problems and you can’t be there for me’. What? I’ve gone to her counselors meetings, I’ve gone to her groups at the hospital, I’ve paid and attended your nutritionist meetings. I’ve tried until it hurts.
It’s too far away for me to see the inner workings of the illness. I try. I comfort. I tell her I’m there for anything, and I am. But she can’t believe it. I’m not a sap but I’m not an asshole either. I try to help but it gets the best of both of us.

I go to sleep without the woman I love and an illness that’s taking everything away from me that I like.

I HATE ANOREXIA-BULIMIA!!! The bastard problems take everything. The pain you FUCKING cause.

Sorry to rant but I feel better. Sometimes typing shit gets it out of your system.
– Just had some time to cool out. Re-read the letter and couldn’t imagine submitting it, but after some thinking, thought maybe someone else can relate, spelling errors and all.

God it fucking hurts…

2

Sorry people. I Had a chance to read it a few more times and see that it’s disjointed and all over the board. I actually never meant to send it, I just vented a bit and thought that re-reading it in the morning would help me remember the feelings I had at the moment.

No need to reply or comment. Just late-night thoughts from a guy who has to deal with it with his S.O… I can’t, and couldn’t, imagine what it’s like to actually have it.

3

I’ll probably be burned at the stake for doing this in the pit but…

{{{{{{{{CnoteChris}}}}}}}

Having an illness is very hard, especially one you can’t go get some antibiotics and get over.

It is also very hard on the people who love someone with such an illness. You want to fix it for them and you can’t.
So you feel frustrated and helpless, understandablely so. It is better for you to vent here and get all that out than to lose it when talking to her.
Try to remember that feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just are. You are only human, give yourself a break here, ok ?

Ayesha,

We miss you Wally

4

Just so you know, I’ve never tried to take it out on her.

Quite the opposite, I’ve tried to take a middle ground: One that’s not supportive nor negative. Middle-ground B.S…

I hate that. That’s not how I feel, it’s not me. I can’t stand it. It makes both of us worse. I feel she’s too cool to let this get the better of her, but it does and it affects me.

But I can never tell her that. If I do, I end up alone. If I don’t, she stays and we have fun.

How fucked up is that?

Damned if I do or don’t.

5

I can sympathize, bro.

My little sister suffered from anorexia. She was so thin, I could feel her bones when I hugged her. We all were afraid she was going to die. But we, as a family, decided not to let up on the issue. We hounded her relentlessly until she agreed to get help. She fought us kicking and screaming! (Northridge Hospital has a geat program for it)

Today, she is at a normal weight. She got married and has 2 beautiful kids. (we were worried that she had messed up her reproductive system from the starvation)

Don’t give up. Get her family and friends involved before she does permenent damage to herself.

6

My wife is anorexic. She is pretty much past the mental aspect of the disease but still has that inner voice that tells her she is ugly, stupid, whatever it takes to ruin her. The funny thing is that my wife is the most logical person I know, yet the voice uses nothing but illogic and idiocy to sway her. She knows this yet it still gets to her.

She is basically 6 feet tall and got down to about 103. She was hospitalized. She hit rock bottom and one of the hardest things was having to stand by and being unable to do a damn thing to help her out in any significant way. She is better now, is working on getting weight back on, but will always have hurdles to overcome. She needs to gain more weight (heck she could gain 1000 pounds and it wouldn’t diminish my love for her or change the decent, wonderful person she is) and she knows it. It’s just a matter of taking chances with her diet and realizing those chances are OK and healthy.

CnoteChris I know the exact feelings you have. You must know that no matter what you say, it is unlikely to be taken well. A mention of my wife’s appearance, with the best of intentions and positivity, would still sound to her like I was saying something negative. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with what her head is telling her regardless of what she really hears. It is hard to understand, but she isn’t lashing at you or what you say. The disease itself is what is messing with her mind.

It is also hard to realize that until she is ready, willing, and able to accept help, it is unlikely she will respond well to any help. Granted, I say none of this as a trained professional, but everything I say is/was true in our situation.

It sucks tremendously. Significant others have a hard battle. We are caught in some pretty strong peripheries of the disease, but are pretty helpless to do much about it.

Feel free to email if you have any questions about dealing with it (that can go to anyone). Maybe some of the battles we have already been through can help others get through them smoother and quicker.

7

No advise, I’m not that wise. I’ve loved 3 alcoholics in my life, one of them bipolar. It’s hard wrestling with someone else’s demons when we all have a few of our own. And they’re different aren’t they? Hang in there or don’t, it’s your decision. I know from experience that it’s hard to watch someone slowly kill themself and not be able to stop it.

Need2know

8

Update–

Well, it’s the following day after my rant and we’re still not talking. I didn’t rant on her, I ranted on the board.

I appreciate the info from those that responded. Like before, and to those that just don’t understand: I love her to death. She’s the sanest person I know, but this illness comes in the way of all of it. It makes her act insane. She can’t stop the feelings she has.
The original post was a bit screwed, but it was what I was feeling at the time. It was grammatically wrong and following no set syntax.

But, that’s how I felt. Had I corrected it and made changes, the gist would have been lost on others feeling the same thing. I thought it was important to post ‘as is’.

The bottom line is this: I care. I want and am willing to try and understand feelings and emotions you’re feeling. When you can’t explain it, or at least let me in, I’m not sure what to do.

You’re anorexia and bulimia has affected me in every aspect of my life. I will give and do anything to stop the hurt you feel. But I simply don’t know what to do…
Not knowing what to do, and knowing that what you do makes no difference, is the worst possible torture a person can go through.

To those that are going through this disease; God, look at what you’re doing to yourselves and those around you. You are so much better than this bullshit…

9

I’ve dealt with this issue before, it’s not pretty (understatement).

What I finally realized was that you can’t do anything to help people who don’t actually want to (or aren’t ready to) be helped. All you can do is creat consequences.

You can hang around for as long as you like, but while you do, you only validate all of the feelings she has. When things are going well, she’ll think it’s because what she’s doing makes her attractive to you. If you argue, she can blame her poor self image, and blame you for not “understanding” her.

To create true consequences for her actions, you’re going to have to be prepared to leave her if she won’t help herself. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I couldn’t be a vehicle for her insecurities any more.

Sorry if I’m projecting. But every time I hear about this situation, it sounds like my story over and over again. I hope this makes sense.

10

This is a bit of a hijack, but would you please quit apologizing for your grammar? It was a RANT! It was SUPPOSED to be disjointed and semi-coherent! You were MAD, fer crissakes, and you have nowhere else to let it out. What the fuck are you supposed to do–take it out on her? Tie her down and put in a nose tube? No, you come here and rant and people listen and offer solutions.

God, what are you, a Canadian or something? :wink:

11

gottt itt, thankksss.

12

Looked up your profile. Shoulda guessed Minneapolis.

I’m originally from St Paul, but I got over it.

13

Am I suppose to feel bad about that?

14

If you’re in the Twin Cities area, there are ALL kinds of help for all sorts of problems.

Your beating yourself up about your girlfriend’s problems isn’t helping either of you. If I can offer a nickel’s worth of free advice, find a group of other family members/friends of anorectics/bulimics, and start going. Hazelden, in Center City, and at http://www.hazelden.org is a mother lode of information on food-related problems, and can be a HUGE resource. Also, contact the psychiatry department at Abbott Northwestern Hospital and ask about a group you can attend.

I can say this stuff cuz I’ve been there myself… For God’s (and your and your gf’s sake) get some help, at least for yourself!!!

Robin

15

No, don’t feel bad. I’ve come to expect good manners from your type. :wink:

16

No doubt about it, it’s an insidious disease. It’s like depression, where you want to shake someone and say, “Snap out of it!” and you can’t understand why they won’t just stop crying.

You just want to shake them and say, “Look in the freakin’ mirror! Can’t you see yourself?! You need to EAT!” Because, the truth of the matter is that they can’t see themselves the way we do. It’s an evil, horrible disease.

What can you do? You can offer unconditional love, surely, but it’s not very fulfilling for you. You can try and get her help. Regardless, know that loving yourself is a prerequisite for loving back. If she doesn’t love herself, and take care of herself FIRST, she can never really make a commitment to you.

Know that you are not the root of her problems, nor are you the magical cure. Can you live with that?

Good luck and good health to your girlfriend. She’s got a long road ahead of her.

17

She’s in a pretty big boat.

How many women in America think that there is something “wrong” with their body? Raise your hands…

Okay, every woman, put down your hand.

Why does almost every woman “think” there is something “wrong” with her body?

Because the media tells us so. Because the men and women in our lives tell us so. Because we are BOMBARDED, day after day, with images and words that we can NEVER live up to. You may not be doing this but you can bet that the vast feed into her mind is telling her this. (Soft, whisper voice, backed up with an image, ‘you can’t measure up, you’ll never measure up…)

Anorexia and the multitude of other eating, body disorders, do not spring from no where. It springs from pressure, internal or external, put on women by those around them.

Remember the, “So I’m fat and you hate me?” thread?

Women have a very hard time accepting themselves for what they are. The media doesn’t help. I’m sorry but if I see one more show where a woman has just given birth and is all slim faced and bodied I’m going to scream!

It is not natural or healthy for a woman to be “thin” and “slack” after giving birth nor even in her everyday life.

Woman are the givers of life. We bring forth children. We birth them, give them life. We are not thin and shapely while doing so or after doing so. We accumulate fat to feed them and to keep our bodies strong while carrying them, while bringing them forth, and while nourishing them, through our breasts, during their first months apart from our bodies.

A woman’s body is a wonderful machine that should be honored and revered for all it can do… but in the American culture, it is almost reviled… shunned and hated… loathed. Because we call it “fat”, “plump”, “lazy” or just not quite right to the arbitrary standards… how fucking sad.

I don’t know what to tell you or your girlfriend except get back down to the real world. Women should have curves, and roundness, and softness. We were never meant to be bony and wan… we are the givers of life and must feed that child within our belly to bring it forth healthy, alive, aware… maybe, then, a woman can look to the media ideal and do what I do… laugh. At the impossible picture they paint.

For I will not cry anymore, or lament. I will be what I am, as big as I am. And just you make room. For I am WOMAN. And I give life. You can say what you will but I know my body is fine, just the way it is, because God, or the Goddess, made it so. I accept myself, just the way I am. Full, bursting with life. Not wan and slack, unable to lift a 10 pound bag of sugar.

My sisters, gather round: REJECT what is projected at you! ACCEPT your body for the wonders it can do! Take my hand and say, loud and clear, (in a Popeye voice if you must):

I am what I am!

What more could God or the Goddess ask?

18

Byzantine, thank you. I wish more women felt that way.:smiley:
Cnote, the best advise I can give you, having had a very good friend go through the same thing, is to be supportive for as long as you can. Listen to her and don’t take it personally when she gets upset with you. Get in a support group for other people in your situation so you can vent and get helpful hints. Most of all, keep ranting on the board so you don’t explode.
Take care of yourself and good luck with whatever you decided to do.

19

Bluemonchichi – me too. Where the fuck are they? You Women?! Where are you?! Stand up, be up, post up for your rights!

20

I yam what I yam!
:slight_smile: