[QUOTE=Two cans]
Maybe they sent an evite or an IM so some such similar method to announce their delay, seeing as how it is the OPs prefered method of personal communication. :rolleyes:
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This is inexcusable. If they were bringing something to the party, they should have called. When I am bringing something I consider it my responsibility to get there earlier than others, since I am bringing part of the party.
[QUOTE=Anaamika]
This is inexcusable. If they were bringing something to the party, they should have called. When I am bringing something I consider it my responsibility to get there earlier than others, since I am bringing part of the party.
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I said before that it was disappointing and that it stunk that these guests were late for the party, especially since they were bringing some of the food. We don’t know why they didn’t call (maybe their cell phones were dead from all the calls they made the previous night from the bar - haha). And while you are sure you would call, and I am pretty sure I would, we do not know why they didn’t.
My umbrage was with the tone that the OP dismissed the reason for their tardiness. Their daughter came back from school for a visit. The OP doesn’t think that this is important. I think the OP is a selfish bitch for thinking that. Point End.
And again I’ll ask - are these friends frequently late? If they are, don’t leave the responsibility with them to bring food. If they don’t make a habit of it then cut them some slack given the apparently informal nature of the party as evidenced by the informal nature of the invitation.
I recently had a party that I used e-vite for, and discovered that one of the fun features of e-vite is that it tells the host every time the invitation has been viewed. So if the e-vite ends up in junk mail or never gets to the inbox for some reason, the host knows that the invitee has not seen it (or at least, not opened & looked at it). I, of course, had people who did not RSVP, and some of them looked at the invitation multiple times. The only thing to do in this kind of circumstance is to call the person and ask them directly if they are coming or not. It’s annoying, but sometimes it’s the only way to find out.
I’m still confused, did folks simply not RSVP that they weren’t coming, or did some folks show up without RSVPing? The former is mildly rude, the latter particularly so. Ad I also hate folks who RSVP they are coming and then don’t (unless they have a very good excuse of course, like we were heading out the door when a swarm of locusts appeared, we fought through the locusts to our car and managed to get away. On the way to your house a little girl appeared suddenly in the road, we swerved to avoid he and ended up crashed where some old crazy farmer came for us, took us to his barn and then proceeded to try to kill us. We meant to call , but we couldn’t get any coverage at the crazy psycho killer farmer guys place. Sorry)
And just what time was it when you got away from the crazy psycho killer?
If someone does not RSVP, I interpret that as a no - as well as a request that I not invite them to events in the future. The latter part of that sentence also applies to people who show up exceedingly late.
Makes socializing much easier (and cheaper), as over the years you develop reasons not to invite pretty much everyone you know! (That is said only somewhat in jest, because the people I care to expend effort and money to entertain in my home are considerate enough to allow me to plan for my entertaining. Moreover, most of my family and friends have such boring social lives that when we get an invite it isn’t a matter of waiting to see if “something better” will turn up. Having said that, in reality it generally happens that nothing is going on for weeks on end, and then you get 3 invites for the same Saturday!)
[QUOTE=zweisamkeit]
I find it odd that people think it’s weird that she’d put RSVP on her party invitation. I agree that with the informality (and unpredictability and everything else) about email that less people RSVPing is understandable and predictable (so in this particular case, I think she’s overreacting considering that people might not check their email every day, etc). But I don’t see what’s odd/pretentious about asking for an RSVP of any kind of party, not just a wedding.
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I agree with this. I don’t think it’s pretentious at all to ask people to respond and let me know if they’re coming or not. How the heck am I suppsoed to know how much food to make and how much booze to buy (alcohol can get really expensive - I’d prefer not to buy a ton of it if I don’t need to since we rarely drink when friends aren’t over) While I don’t usually use the term “RSVP,” I explicitly say, “Let me know if you’re coming or not by X date.”
Unfortunately, most of my friends are terrible at RSVP’ing, even though all check their e-mail regularly, so I wind up calling them anyway. Or they show up without telling me which is kind of annoying.
Anyway, out of curiosity, did the OP use an actual E-vite (those web-based invitations) or did you just send an e-mail? I usually do the latter - it’s much less likely to get sucked into a spam folder.
[QUOTE=pulykamell]
I think the case is more that people don’t really understand that RSVP means “please respond, whether you’re coming or not.”
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OK, here’s one example of what RSVP has come to mean. I just got an email a few seconds ago for an industry networking party. This is junk mail I get four times a year, and is probably sent out to thousands of people. It says “RSVP Today.” I sincerely doubt that these people want me to respond if I’m not coming, lest their inboxes be filled with thousands of “no” responses. I’ve never even solicited this mail, so why should I feel compelled to respond to them? Obviously, there’s a difference between junk mail and the OP, but I still think there is confusion over what an RSVP is supposed to entail.
Oddly enough, these people think RSVP means “only respond if you’re not coming.”
At any rate, with anything but the most formal of invitations, I don’t expect an RSVP to be honored or even understood properly. An e-vite is not generally something I consider carrying the formal weight of an RSVP behind it, if that makes any sense.
[QUOTE=overlyverbose]
I agree with this. I don’t think it’s pretentious at all to ask people to respond and let me know if they’re coming or not. How the heck am I suppsoed to know how much food to make and how much booze to buy (alcohol can get really expensive - I’d prefer not to buy a ton of it if I don’t need to since we rarely drink when friends aren’t over) While I don’t usually use the term “RSVP,” I explicitly say, “Let me know if you’re coming or not by X date.”
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My general rule for this sort of thing is always buy more food and more drink than you think you’ll need. Alcohol won’t go bad, and food you can always eat later or freeze. I do agree that in a perfect and polite world, everybody would have the courtesy to let you know if they are or aren’t go to show up. I like entertaining extra guests, at any rate, so it doesn’t bother me. It does peeve me if somebody says they’ll show up and then don’t, or come inexcusably late without calling.
[QUOTE=Two cans]
My umbrage was with the tone that the OP dismissed the reason for their tardiness. Their daughter came back from school for a visit. The OP doesn’t think that this is important. I think the OP is a selfish bitch for thinking that. Point End.
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Ridiculous. If you’ve agreed to attend a dinner party – and even to bring part of the food, for goodness sake – you have a social obligation your host should be able to rely on you to keep. Getting a better offer doesn’t excuse that obligation. The cause of their tardiness is not the hosts’ concern, so it’s not as if the hosts “don’t think it’s important,” it’s that they don’t care, nor should they. The “friends” said they would come and bring appetizers, which certainly indicates an obligation to show up promptly. They didn’t. They were unreliable and rude. Point End.
If I’m throwing a stand-around cocktail party (like around Christmas time), I try to get a head-count but I don’t really give a shit who comes and who doesn’t. If I’m throwing a dinner party and you say you’re coming and you don’t show up, you are never being invited to a dinner party again. I’ll meet you at the bar or restaurant, I’ll invite you to the casual wine and cheese or beer and nachos gathering where I don’t care if you come or not, but another dinner invite? No way.
And I don’t think it’s that people don’t understand the e-vites carry the same responsibilities to responsd that other forms of communication do; I think it’s that they know they can get away with being rude if they can pretend they didn’t understand a e-vite was a “real” invitation.
I never use e-vites for just this reason. Well, that and the fact that I hate the whole “show the whole guest list, plus everyone who’s coming or not, plus posted comments” thing. So, basically, I hate e-vites.
Hazle Weatherfield. . . RSVP to this thread. That’s an e-vite, right?
You started this yesterday afternoon and haven’t responded since. I’m pretty sure that thread etiquette requires that you respond to your own thread.
But I’ll be nice and not call you any names. . . yet.
Well, what is annoying is that if you use evite.com and send out some invitations you can see a whole list of people who have actually looked at thhe invitation and have not responded at all. And there is even an option to select “Maybe”. So how hard is it to actually go look at the invitation but not respond?
And for a casual corned-beef-and-cabbage get-together, I would be perfectly fine if Mr. and Mrs. Appetizer McTardy called and said, “Hey! Tiffany just came home unexpectedly! Can we bring her along?” For anything other than a super-formal sit-down dinner, the more the merrier. That would be much preferable to having the guests show up 45 minutes late with useless appetizers in hand. I wouldn’t even have served the appetizers if dinner had already been served; just let them cool in the kitchen and then the McTardies can take them right home again.
It bugs me that people treat “RSVP” as a verb. What you really want them to do is “R”, the “SVP” is merely “if you please”. So maybe it doesn’t please some people to respond, in that case you can’t hardly get mad at them for not doing something you only asked them to do if they pleased.
I received an invite for a birthday party being given in April for a 1 yo. I told the dad at a St Paddies party that my family would be attending.
But the mom wasnt at that party but the dad can relay the message right? I wonder, do i still have the invite, was there an official rsvp? I better call the mom right?
Maybe I’m showing a bit of sexism, chela, but I wouldn’t trust a dad I bumped into at a party to convey my RSVP. I’d call the mom.
[QUOTE=Jodi]
Maybe I’m showing a bit of sexism, chela, but I wouldn’t trust a dad I bumped into at a party to convey my RSVP. I’d call the mom.
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Call it sexism if you must, but I’d say your instincts are spot on!
[QUOTE=Jodi]
And for a casual corned-beef-and-cabbage get-together, I would be perfectly fine if Mr. and Mrs. Appetizer McTardy called and said, “Hey! Tiffany just came home unexpectedly! Can we bring her along?” For anything other than a super-formal sit-down dinner, the more the merrier. That would be much preferable to having the guests show up 45 minutes late with useless appetizers in hand. I wouldn’t even have served the appetizers if dinner had already been served; just let them cool in the kitchen and then the McTardies can take them right home again.
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Jodi, you’d probably be surprised about how similar we are in our feelings on the matter in general. I’m commenting on the specifics of the incident, until the OP comes back with additional “facts” that will serve solely to bolster her standing in this kerfuffle based on criticism she reads here.
To wit:
Is this a formal dinner engagement? Doubtful, given that she didn’t follow up on the evite to get the absolute final headcout. Who plans a formal, sitdown dinner when there could be a 40% variance in attendance based on what she knows.
A more informal gathering with dinner served? Bingo. So again for those who missed it, I said that it was disappointing that they did not contact the hosts to say they would be late.
We’ve hosted many parties. We host a Christmas party every year that is fucking legendary - people come from other countries to attend. If I were to lose my cool or my enjoyment of the evening because one guest didn’t follow through on a promise, I’d kick my own ass. What kind of host a) leaves the most crucial aspect of an evening in someone else’s hands and b) thinks that their guests will think any less of them or have their enjoyment lessened because of the actions of someone else (within reason of course - a guest pulling a gun might be considered a downer. Someone not coming through with a tray of cold, rubbery shrimp at a specific time doesn’t count).
What bothered me the most was the OP dismissing the daughter’s visit as something not to be considered important to the tardy guests. It does not excuse them for not calling or being late. But because the OP’s vision of a perfect evening is dashed and perhaps the OP’s sense that her other friends think less of her now, she takes shots at someone else’s family dynamics and what should and shouldn’t be important. I still say Fuck That to her.
However, with regards to your scenario above, here we do differ. I treat my friends like friends, not as people whom I expect to be compliant with my desires to pull off a flawless engagement. Even in a formal dinner setting, I invite friends to get together as friends, who are also able to use this opportunity to have some nicer food than day-to-day life normally allows. To shove appetizers back into the arms of a late guest at the end of an evening, even if they were late and didn’t call, is not something I would expect a friend to ever do. Hell, not even a stranger. How does being rude to someone negate, or be considered a superior action, to what they did?
On the scale of social no-no’s, the following are things I would consider rude:
Opening a pit thread and then not stopping back in for clarifications.
Showing up late w/o calling to a pre-arranged meeting (especially if you’re bringing something)
as for the whole “RSVP” thing, I understand why it’s often a good thing to know how many people are coming. however - if it’s a huge issue, I’d not simply rely on waiting back for RSVPs, I’d be a-callin and so on. The remarks made about evites also should be noted. I rather doubt that the gig was planned for so many folks that the OP would be unable to do follow ups.
We used to have standing invites for various folks for turkey day dinner. We’d just go ahead and plan on pretty much all of 'em showing up. If fewer showed up, more leftovers for us. A win/win.
all in all, the only thing the OP had going for her in my mind was the person who showed up late w/o calling. And that’s been overtaken by her failure to check back in her thread to add clarifications (and, in case anyone’s going to get on my ass for not replying in my own open pit thread, I’ve monitored it, and there’s not been any questions for clarification or elaboration of the OP)
(clarification of thought)
[QUOTE=Two cans]
What bothered me the most was the OP dismissing the daughter’s visit as something not to be considered important to the tardy guests. It does not excuse them for not calling or being late. But because the OP’s vision of a perfect evening is dashed and perhaps the OP’s sense that her other friends think less of her now, she takes shots at someone else’s family dynamics and what should and shouldn’t be important. I still say Fuck That to her.
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Again, IMO it doesn’t matter what their excuse was, short of serious illness or death. They said they would come, they offered to bring the first course, they were 45 minutes late. Granted, maybe the deal with their daughter was she was mid-nervous breakdown or in jail or something, but I don’t think the OP’er is out of line to “take shots at a family dynamic” that dictates you let down your friends if your daughter comes to town.
I don’t see the rudeness. Appetizers are to be served before dinner. I’ve planned dinner, and it didn’t include the appetizers which were to be eaten first. If you bring the appetizers after the real dinner is served, I probably won’t serve them. Again, it depends on the dinner, but even at an informal dinner just plopping the appetizers down may not be appopriate: It’s corned beef, cabbage, a side dish, a nice loaf of bread . . . and some nachos. It’s not a matter of “shoving them back into their arms,” they can take them or leave them with me as they prefer, and I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it if they insisted the items be served. But if you are 45 minutes late with your contribution I will not feel obliged to still use it, and I do not think I would be rude in unobtrusively declining to do so.
If you want to bring appetizers and see them get eaten, bring them on time.