So, being somewhat hard of hearing, I don’t always understand what is said, particularly on the TV. And the brain being what it is, it picks a word to fill in what I didn’t exactly catch.
This morning, there was a news story about a house fire where the fire fighters ended up rescuing three people and a cow. What the hell is a cow doing in an urban home? Sure, KC is considered a cow town by some, but that is ridiculous.
OK - it was actually three people and a cat, but I had to wait for the story to come around again on the guitar before I could find that out. My wife insisted they said three people and a child - she no longer gets to make fun of my hearing.
We had a call at work one time from a lady with a heavy accent who wanted to tell us that she had a B-cup. Um, congratulations? Eventually we figured out she was calling for a specimen* pickup.*
There was briefly a commercial for Tide detergent, that ran hear in Canada, that began with the announcer saying; “Tide asks Canadians…blah, blah, blah.”
Every time I heard it, I heard; “Tightass Canadians…”
My husband and his dad were watching football, when his mom came in and asked a question about what was happening. Dad said something like “He’s talking to the coach in the press box.” Mom said “Coach Ivan Breadbox???”
“And that’s what it is , the Alice’s Restaurant Anti-Massacre Movement,
and all you got to do to join is sing it the next time it comes around on the guitar.”
A long long time ago, back when record players were the preferred method of listening to music, I had my stereo blasting and the phone rang. I answered it and it was my friend Lee. I said “Just a second, I gotta shut something off.” He said “I can call back.” I replied “No no, it’ll take just a second.”
(My friend Lee has a deep southern drawl. Thank Andy Griffith, about an octave lower.)
I ran into my room, turned off the stereo, and came back to the phone. “That was quick,” said Lee. I replied “I just had to shut something off.” He said “Oh, I thought you said you had to shit something awful!”
I have a friend who lives in Alabama, and has a lovely Deep South accent. We speak frequently while she’s making her long car commute. A few weeks ago we were chatting and all of a sudden she says “Dammit, I missed the stupid n*****!”
I was aghast, as she’s never displayed any type of racist tendencies. I told her I found what she said offensive and she replied “because I missed the stupid Niber exit??”
I remember a guy I used to work with who told me a story about calling some place named “Living Environments”. The woman who answered the phone had a Southern (maybe Texas?) accent. When she said “Living Environments. How may I help you?” He did a double-take and said “What? Lemmings and Varmints?”
My beloved late Australian/NZ husband always called on his way home from work to ask if I needed him to pick up something from the market. One night we had guests coming to dinner, and I thought it would be nice to have some chocolate mint squares to serve with the after-dinner coffee. We frequently had these mint squares in the larder, so I figured he would know what I meant when I asked him to pick up some mints.
When mint Listerine first came out they bragged about that it was “the minty mouthwash”. My dad thought they were saying Mickey Mouse Watch.
For some reason my sister got the words hydrogen and hydrant mixed up.
