An aquaintance of mine was the malaprop king. He would butcher just about every sentence he uttered.
Some of my favorites:
When bad news was coming: “The shit’s gonna hit the stick”
An injured friend of his was going to receive back pay ‘radioactively’.
We were looking for restaurant, and we weren’t sure where it was: “Keep your eyes ‘pierced’, it’s around here somewhere.”
“For all ‘intensive’ purposes”
Anyone else have any?
Enright3
Let’s not forget Dr. Spooner, a professor at Oxford (IIRC) back in the 1800’s whose speech was so garbled that the term “Spoonerisms” derives from him.
Having once met with Queen Victoria, he was rumored to have said “She’s a queer old dean.”
Then there was the preacher who, speaking of Abraham pitching his tent, told the congregation that Abraham “pinched a tit.” Stifled giggles arose from the congregation, and the flabbergasted preacher said, “What I meant to say, was, ‘Abraham pinched a tit.’” By that point the congregation was rolling, and the preacher had to abandon that whole portion of his sermon.
hee hee hee
My ex-wife once explained her arguing with me that she was “ventilating,” when she meant to say “venting.” I found this amusing to no end…
Yer pal,
Satan
Menstruations for ministrations.
It must be something in the chewing tobacco, because baseball players seem to have cornered the market on this kind of stuff. Check some out at http://www.fastball.com/foulpole/quotes/
My best friend does the “for all intensive purposes” thing, and she also says “in lieu of” instead of “in light of.”
I later saw the corporate memo which announced my eminent hiring.
I use “illuminating” for “hallucinating” when I think I’m seeing things, or I’m not remembering things correctly:
“Oh, for I minute, I thought I was illuminating.”
Often done in the voice of the Kingfish for added effect.
Not a malaprop, but I’ve got a friend who claims that he doesn’t know anything because his mom kept him out of kindergarten and “everything you needed to know, you learned in kindergarten.”
My 3 year old son and I were playing Batman.
He said (in his 3yr old, can’t pronounce the “R’s” speak), “I’m Batman, but under my mask, I’m weally Woose Bwain.”
Soo funny.
Where I grew up there was a bakery outlet store that sold day old bread and pastries at a discount. For some reason, my father alway called it “the used bread store”.
TT
“Believe those who seek the truth.
Doubt those who find it.” --Andre Gide
My husband complains of being “Taken for granite”, which, in a way does make sense, he is my rock, after all.
My sister once claimed to be a “veritable landmine of valuable information”…
God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -God
Neitzsche is God. -Dead
“the guest speaker from Planned Parenthood received a standing ovulation.”
Live a Lush Life
Da Chef
related story (and it’s okay to do this b/c this is MPSIMS, right?) is this:
Back in my high school Model U.N. days, I was at a MUN conference and the topic at the time of the anecdote was the rights of the citizens of some country to vote. And one of the delegates had a very thick accent, such that every time he would have to pronounce an L it would come out as an R. Which wouldn’t have been so distracting if he didn’t keep talking about the rights of the citizens to have Elections. . .
“I’m just too much for human existence – I should be animated.”
–Wayne Knight
Until last week, I had to work with a guy who, when sending email to a group, would start every message with “Et al.” For instance:
Then there was time when I was playing AD&D, and I meant to refer to a dragon’s fire as its “breath weapon”, but it somehow came out as “breast weapon.” (I was distracted. So sue me.) Ten years later, I still haven’t lived that one down.
Laugh hard; it’s a long way to the bank.
Aura, the same thing happened in my D&D group in high school. I’d imagine it’s because ours was the only D&D group in history with a decently attractive girl in it. After the DM let it slip out, everyone looked at me, as if I was going to be insulted. I let the silence go for as long as I could, and then completely lost it. I laughed so hard I cried, and had I not gone to the bathroom ten minutes before, I would have probably peed my pants too. The looks on their faces as they waited for my wrath was priceless.
Man, I forgot about that. Of course, now I’m picturing some sort of Austin Powers dragon with acid flying out its boobs…
I remember one time when we were getting ready to play Cyberpunk 20.20. and were in the process of creating our characters, one of the players was describing his characters background and attempted to state the following: “Steve is a Netrunner, having discovered his natural love and talent for it when, at the age of five, his parents bought for him, Fisher-Prices ‘My First Cyber-Deck’.”
What he actually said was: “…his parents bought him Fisher-Prices ‘My First Cyber-Dick’.”
We all utterly lost it.
>>Being Chaotic Evil means never having to say your sorry…unless the other guy is bigger than you.<<
—The dragon observes
Ooh, ooh, just ran across some wonderful quotes I saved from former student’s papers:
Freudian slip?
“When he solicited the prostitute, he…seemed to enjoy it. He even seemed to become enveloped in it and he does more in the spurt of the moment than he would like and regrets it later.”
When Spellcheck is Not Enough
“He is fare from the normal human in his desires for honor at any coast and at the every sole of there lives.”
and;
“These writers implore different technics in forming there prose style.”
Yuck
“It is time for fresh blood to have a chance to perform as a public servant.”
Are You Thinking of Kafka?
“A common theme in Pushkin’s work is the evaluation or mutation of the main character.”
And here are some gems from an eminent Dostoevsky scholar (and an old professor of mine), whose name will not be revealed…
[heavy Russian accent]
Definition of a griffin: “a wingled lion”
Taras Bulba “didn’t like sweets or delicatessens” and “begins to throw plates and utilities”
“Cows will overrun the land…anarchy leads to cows.”
[/heavy Russian accent]