Funniest joke you know

[nobrainer]

Once upon a time… there was this young man that enjoyed eating beans. He would eat beans three meals a day. He couldn’t get enough of them.

One day, he met a young lady and they soon fell in love. He asked her to marry him, and she said she would, but only if he gave up eating beans. Seems she loved him very much, but didn’t think she could stand all the farting the rest of her life. Loving beans, but loving the girl even more - he agreed.

Time passes (doesn’t it always?) and one fine day the young man is driving home from work when his car breaks down. He is not very far from home and decides to walk. On the way home, he passes a diner that has a big sign in the window - Special Today - All the Baked Beans you can eat - $2.00. Since it has been a long day, and he still has some walking to do before he gets home, he decides that one plate of beans won’t hurt.

He enters the diner and eats platefull after platefull of delicious baked beans.

Of course, on his way home he passes enough gas to light New York City for a long weekend. And loud enough to drown out a rock concert. But, by the time he arrives home he is confident that all the gas has passed.

He walks in the door, apologizing about being a bit late and telling his wife the car broke down story. She is just happy to have him home and she tells him that she has a surprize for him. She blindfolds him, leads him to his chair in the dining room and sit him down. Just then the phone rings. She tells him to sit there and don’t remove the blindfold until she returns.

She goes into the kitchen to answer the phone. Suddenly, he feels a bit “uncomfortable” and lets loose a rather loud and smelly fart. Smells bad enough to make young girls faint and loud enough that he hopes his wife didn’t hear.

After another minute, the feeling hits a bit worse and he lifts a cheek and lets one really rip… Woha! Loud as a jet airplane and smelly enough to make paint peel. Still, the wife is talking on the phone.

Ten seconds later it feels like his belly is about to explode. Again he lifts a leg and WOW! So loud the glasses shake on the table and smell? So bad it would gag a maggot. But that one did it. He is all better now. Just then his wife walks back into the room, walks up behind him and says “I wanted to surprise you on your birthday Honey.” She removes his blindfold and sitting around the table are his parents, her parents, his priest, his boss and the bosses wife, and all his neibors.

[umop_ap_sdn]

An elementary schoolteacher was going over the Three Little Pigs with her class. When she got to the part where the first little piggy asks the farmer if he had any straw, she stopped and asked the class what they thought the farmer said. One student piped up, “I think he said ‘holy shit, a talking pig!’” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minues.
A guy walks into a store & sees a large bronze rat. He asks how much for it. “$50 for the rat; $1000 for the story behind it.” the guy buys the rat and walks home. Along the way he notices a few rats following him. a little while later he looks back & sees a bunch of rats following him. Then as he’s crossing a bridge he looks back & sees thousands of rats following him. In his panic he throws the bronze rat off the bridge and into the water below, and all thousand plus rats faithfully jump off and drown. The guy goes back to the store. “Come back for the story, eh?” “No,” the guy says, “I wanted to ask if you have any bronze lawyers.”
A guy comes home drunk and his wife is mad at him. “Where have you been” she demands. “I was at the Golden Saloon. Everything there is gold - the doors, the floors, even the urinals are gold!” “There’s no such place!” The next day she pulls out the phonebook and sure enough there’s a Golden Saloon. She calls them up ans asks, “Is it true your doors are golden?” “Sure is”, replied the bartender. “What about the floor?” “Yup, floor’s gold too.” “And how about the urinals?” There’s a moment of silence and then she hears a distant voice say “psst - hey Duke, I might have a lead on the guy who pissed in your saxophone last night!”
And another adult joke:

A man is going out of town for a week, and since his wife is the flirtatious type, he wants to make sure she’s satisfied for the week. He goes to an adult store. The inflatable men are too much like a real man, so he starts browsing the dildos. The clerk asks if he needs anything so he explains his situation. “Oh yeah, I have the… no, that’ll never do.” “What? What is it?” “No, I can’t tell ya.” “Aww c’mon!” So the clerk pulls out an old wooden box with wierd writing on it. Inside is an ordinary looking wooden dildo. “Big deal”, exclaims the man, “it looks like every other dildo in this store!” The clerk says “This is the Voodoo Penis. Watch this”, and commands “Voodo Penis, the door!” Instantly the dildo jumps out of the box, flies over to the keyhole, and starts hammering away until the door just about splits clean from top to bottom. The clerk commands, “Voodoo Penis, return to box!” It stops hammering the door and returns to its box. “I’ll take it”, says the customer. “No it’s not for sale.” He haggles and eventually persuades the clerk to sell it for $250 plus a fancy watch. He takes it home and shows his wife. "Whenever you feel horny, just open the box and say “voodoo penis, my crotch.” So he goes off on his trip and on the third day, the wife is so randy she almost calls up a few friends. Then she remembers the Voodoo Penis. So she opens the box and commands, “Voodoo Penis, my crotch!” It zips out and starts giving it to her. After several mind-shattering orgasms, she tries to remove it. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to make it stop! So she gets in the car to drive herself to the hospital. Along the way she has another orgasm and swerves. A cop pulls her over under suspicion of drunk driving. “No, officer, it’s this Voodoo Penis thing and I can’t get it out…” Cop says, “yeah right - Voodoo Penis, my ass!”

This thread could go on forever, what with jokes being my specialty and all

[MarkofT]

This will warm your heart. Just when you have lost faith in human kindness.

Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida
forwarded the following letter.The letter was sent to the principal’s
office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An
old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was
writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind.
Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today!
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School; God bless you for the
beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84
years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All
of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it’s nice to know
that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an
old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio,
but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even
when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand
and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She
asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you. Thank you for
that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna Walters