I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist. Early one morning I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 a.m. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet
the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in “that area” to make sure I was at least presentable.
I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” but I didn’t respond. When the appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal…some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.
After school when my six-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom,
“Mum, where’s my washcloth?” I told her to get another one from the cupboard I replied.
“No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It has my glitter and sparkles in it.”
A small white man goes into an elevator. when he gets in he notices a big black man standing next to him. The big black man looks down at the small white man and says:
“7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown”.
The small white guy falls down to the floor and faints!! The big black guy picks up the small white guy and wakes him up by slapping his face and shaking him. Then the black guy asks the small white guy: “What’s wrong?”. The small white guy says; “Excuse me but what did you say?” The big black dude looks down and says “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, my name is Turner Brown.”
The small white guy says, “Thank god, I thought you said ‘Turn around’.”
These 2 vampires are on holiday in Venice and decide to sample the locals so they lurk on one of the bridge until a couple pass by, grab 'em and drink all their blood tossing the corpses over the bridge into the water.
Still feeling a bit peckish they wait, grab another couple, drink their blood and toss those corpses into the water.
They then decide to go for dessert, wait for a younger couple, grab them,drink their blood and toss the bodies over the bridge into the water.
Quite full they start to walk away when they hear singing, looking over the bridge they see a huge alligator happily munching on the bodies and singing…
Mmm vampires…
3 vampires go in a vampire bar. The first one ask for warm blood. The second one ask for cold blood. the third one ask for a bowl of hot water. the barman answers that he only carries blood, not water. and then the last vampire says
A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer were debating whose profession was oldest. The doctor cites the book of Genesis, saying that the creation of Eve made God the first doctor, predating engineers and lawyers.
The engineer replies that even before that, God created order out of chaos, which made him the first engineer, predating everything that’s happened on Earth.
I was driving on some back roads in northern Wisconsin. For those of you not familiar with N. Wisconsin, it’s an area teeming with wildlife. Deer, bear, birds of all kinds, skunks, other rodents.
Well, I was driving along, and all of a sudden a grouse flew out of the woods and SMACK! hit me right on the windshield. Stuck there, too.
I was in a big hurry, so I didn’t want to stop and clear the grouse from the window, so I turned on the windshield wipers. Sure enough, the grouse flew off my window, unfortunatly landing on the windshield of the car behind me. Worse yet, that windshield belonged to a highway patrol car.
The officer immediately pulled me over and gave me a ticket.
BTW, RAWDuke, I should point out a skunk is not a rodent.
These three engineers are discussing who designed the human body. The first one says “It must have been an electrical engineer, because of all the complex nerve endings and circuits.” The second one says “It must have been a mechanical engineer, because of the perfect movement of the joints.” The third guy says “No. You’re both wrong. It was a civil engineer. Who else would put a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
Three accountants went deer hunting. They spotted a deer.
The first accountant shot 10 feet to the left of the deer.
The second accountant shot 10 feet to the right.
The third accountant jumped up and down, shouting
A man was visiting a farm for some reason, and he saw in the pigsty a great big hog with a wooden leg.
“Why does that pig have a wooden leg?” he asked the farmer.
“Well, now, that is one amazing pig. One night, the whole family was asleep and burglars tried to break into the house. This pig chased the burglars away, ran them all the way into town to the police station.”
“Yes,” the man says, “but why the wooden leg?”
“Well, awhile later my wife fell down the stairs while she was pregnant with our youngest. This pig heard her calls for help, came into the house, knocked the phone off the hook and dialled 911 with his snout. Saved her life. Then, a few months after that, the house caught fire. He woke us all up and got us out, and even ran back into the burning building and got the baby.”
“So why the wooden leg?”
“Well,” says the farmer, “a pig like that, you don’t eat all at once.”
A guy with a bald head and wooden leg writes to a costume manufacturer. There’s a halloween party coming up & he needs a good costume.
They send him a package with a note: “Dear Sir; Enclosed please find a pirate’s outfit. The hat will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg, you will look quite the part.” He writes an angry reply to them for emphasizing his wooden leg.
So they send him another package with a note that reads: “Dear Sir; Enclosed please find a monk’s habit. The robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head, you will look quite the part.” Now he’s even more outraged and lets them know it in no uncertain terms.
So they send him a really small package with a note: “Dear Sir; Enclosed please find a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, shove your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple!”
Guy driving to work passes by a farm. Happens to see a farmer in the field screwing a sheep. He’s pretty disgusted by it, but he’s late for work so he keeps driving.
At the end of the work day, he’s driving home and sees the same farmer in the same field screwing a different sheep! He figures he should do something so he stops the car, walks up to the farmhouse, and knocks on the door.
A young boy answers the door. Man says, “Do you realize there’s a farmer out in your field screwing the sheep?” Boy says, “Oh sure! That’s just my da-a-a-a-a-a-ad.”
Army guy is reassigned to an outpost in a desert. He’s been there, without female company, for a couple weeks. Needless to say, he’s gettin’ pretty randy. Asks the other guys at the outpost what they do for “entertainment.” They point to a number of camels hitched to several posts by a tent. “Usually we use those.” The guy finds this damned unappealing, so he decides he can hold out till he’s reassigned again.
Couple more weeks go by and this guy is still stuck in the desert. Finally he can’t bear it anymore, so he runs out, drops his trousers, and starts buggering a camel. His buddies see this and start howling with laughter. The guy yells out, “What’s so damned funny?” They reply, “Usually we use those to ride to the nearest town!”
Two elderly couples that were old friends were hanging out for the evening. As often happens, the two women were chatting away inside while the two men were burning something on the barbecue.
Says one of the men, “We went to a great restaurant last night the wife and I.”
“Really? What’s its name?”
“Dang, I can’t for the life of me remember. Um… What’s the name of those red flowers?”
“You mean poppies?”
“Nah, those real romantic red flowers?”
“Oh, you mean carnations.”
“No stupid, those red flowers withthe thorns on them.”
“You mean a rose?”
“Yep, that’s it, a rose.” He calls inside the house, “Hey Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
A young man in the Service writes home & tells his wife there’s lots of beautiful women around & he’s getting tempted. He tells her he needs something to do so she sends him a harmonica.
After his term expires, he goes home & greets his wife. It’s been a long time since they had sex, and he starts coming on to her. “Wait a minute,” she says, “first, let’s hear you play that harmonica!”
A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He’s got spiked, multicolored hair that’s green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather and rags. His legs are bare and he’s without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: “What are you looking at you old fart…didn’t you ever do anything wild when you were young?”
Without missing a beat, the old man replies: “Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a parrot. I was trying to figure out if you were my son.”
A lady goes into a pet store and sees a beautiful large parrot with a sign on the cage that says $50.00.
The lady thinks this is a very cheap price for such a beautiful bird. She ask the pet shop owner why it is so cheap. He tells her that the bird’s last owner was a madam in a bordelo, and the bird uses some foul language. She tinks about it for a while and decides to buy the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and gets it’s cage set up in the living room, the parrot looks around and says new house, new madam . The woman thinks that isn’t so bad.
The woman’s teenaged daughters come home form school, the woman tells them about the bird and it’s past, they go in to see the bird. He looks around and says * new house, new madam, new girls* . The woman and the girls decide that’s not too bad and even have a laugh about it.
Later the woman’s husband comes home, he hears his family in the livingroom so he goes in to join them. The bird looks around and says new house, new madam, new girls, hi Larry
I didnt read all of em cause theres so many… so not sure if someone else said these
Theres 2 muffins in an oven; one turns to the other and says: 'Holy Sht its not in here!" the other one replys: "Holy Sht!! a talking muffin!"
Why is a brides dress usually white?
So the dishwasher matches the refrigerator, the oven, the microwave, etc.
Those are some short ones
If you wanna read some long ones (like… 1-2 paragraphs long)
visit my website and go to the jokes section
There are some extremely funny ones… http://myweb.ecomplanet.com/wood5959/
