SATISFYING etc: Lifted, Picked…whatever!
Hitler, Mother Theresa and Princess Diana are all dead and in this great long queue awaiting entry to hell.
Eventually Mother Theresa gets to the front of the queue and is asked what sins she committed to bring her to this place.
"Well I can’t think of a single one, I was God fearing, helped the poor and needy all over the world and devoted my whole life to helping others.
“OK Go stand over there in that corner I’ll be with you shortly” was the reply
Princess Diana is asked the same Q
“Well honestly! I really do not belong here, I campaigned to rid the world of land mines, visited the sick and injured in many countries,gave comfort to lepers and AIDS sufferers”
Same reply, “Go stand in the corner I’ll be with you soon”
Hitler is asked the same.
“Ach that’s easy, I caused WW2, the deaths of over 50 million, destruction of beautiful cities, rape,torture,in fact you name it pal and I’m responsible for it”
“Right” was the reply “Let’s burn those two pious bastards and go for a few beers”
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock
at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man,
clutching a clipboard and yelling, “You sign! You sign!”
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing
there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder.
“You sign! You sign!”
Nelson says to him, “Look, you’ve obviously got the wrong man. Go away!”
and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the
little Japanese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his
clipboard under Nelson’s nose, yelling, “You sign! You sign!”
Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little
Japanese man back, shouting: “Look, go away! You’ve got the wrong man! I don’t want
them!” Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting and late in the afternoon he hears a
knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little
Japanese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting “You sign! You
sign!”
Behind him are two very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson
loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirtfront
and yells at him; Look, I don’t want these! Do you understand? You must
have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard,
and says " You not Nissan Maindealer?"
And another one:
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, “I’m bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten…” As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, “Your wish is granted”, and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does…) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn’t realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can’t believe his luck.
Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it’s much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. “Where’s Christian?” he asked. “He’s at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and
became a shark”, came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he
set off to Christian’s house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.
"Christian replied "No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re a shark, the enemy and I’ll not be tricked. "Justin cried back “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed.”… “I’ve found Cod. I’m a prawn again Christian”
Later in the day, one of the trucks hit a landmine and its cargo was blown into the sky.
Soon it was raining Datsun cogs.
Steven Spielberg is showing some actors his latest script about famous composers.
Tommy Lee Jones reads it and says, “I’ll be Beethoven.”
Ben Affleck reads it and says, “I’ll be Mozart.”
Arnold Swarzenegger reads it and says “I’ll be Bach!”
Speaking of Princess Diana, why didn’t Superman swoop down at the last second to save her from certain death?
Because he’s in a wheelchair.
-Apoptosis
Two priests were killed in an automobile accident. Upon arriving at the pearly gates they are informed that the computer is down and that they will have to go back to earth for a week. They can go back as anything they like and, with the computer down, nothing will count against them.
The first priest tells St. Peter that he had always dreamt of being an eagle soaring over the Rocky Mountains. “Go”, says St. Peter, “you are an eagle.”
The second priest first reconfirms the fact that whatever he does will not go into his record and then says, “Well, I’ve always wanted to be a stud.” “Go,” says St. Peter, “you are a stud.”
A week passes and Gabriel comes to St. Peter to say that the system is back up and it is time to fetch the two priests. “Well,” says St. Peter, “the first guy is easy to find. He’s flying over the Rockies somewhere near the Colorado-Wyoming border. The other guy’s going to be a lot harder to find: he’s on a snow tire somewhere in Minnesota.”
[hijack]I heard the I’ll Be Bach joke with Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis. Guess somebody decided it needed an update? :D[/hijack]
Three guys die on the same day and St. Peter says heaven’s full. They can come back as whatever they want for one week, all they have to do is jump off the cloud and yell what they want to be. The first guy yells “lion”, jumps off, and lands in the Serengetti as a majestic lion. The second guy yells “eagle”, jumps off, and is a majestic eagle flying over the great plains.
The third guy trips and exclaims “oh shit!”
A painter is whitewashing an outhouse when he slips and falls into the muck.
With no one to help him, he starts screaming, “FIRE, FIRE, FIRE!”
Within a short while he hears sirens and is greeted with the sight of a Chief and some truckmen looking down into the hole.
“Where’s the fire?” asks the Chief.
“There is none.”
“Then why did you holler ‘FIRE’?”
“Would you have come if I yelled ‘SHIT, SHIT, SHIT’?”
This city slicker just bought a home in the country. He decided to take a stroll one-day and as he was walking by, he came upon this farm and noticed there were some roosters in the yard. He asks the man outside,
“How much for one of those roosters?”
The man says “Mister, around here we don’t call them roosters, we call them cocks.”
“Well then, how much for one of those cocks?”
He says.“Oh, I guess about $3.00”
“Well, I’ll take one”.
and after the transaction he gets down the road a little ways and sees some hens. Thinking that his cock could use a hen, he asks the laborer in the yard
“How much for one of those hens?”
“Around here we don’t call them hens, we call them pullets.”
Okay then, how much for a pullet?’
“I’ll take $3.00 and she’s yours.”
“Alright, I’ll take one”
.
Now carrying his chickens under both arms, they are starting to get heavy. He comes to another farm. He sees this donkey in the yard.
“Hey mister” he said. “Do you want to sell that donkey?”
“Out here, we don’t call them donkeys, we call them asses. I’ll sell you this one, but I’ve got to warn you. He’ll only walk so far and stop. Then you’ve got to get off and scratch him”.
The guy thinks, well, okay- it can’t be too hard. He pays the guy and gets on his ass carrying his pullet and cock and heads for home. The ass sees someone walking down the road and stops. The guy tries everything to get him going again and remembers he has to scratch him.He decides to stop the lady walking by, and asks her promptly:
“Hey lady, excuse me, -would you mind?
I need you to please hold my cock and pullet while I get off and scratch my ass?”
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, “Lord grant me one wish.” Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”
The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.”
The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me.”
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?”
(BTW, us women aren’t that bad…)
And another one…
A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut it off, are you?”
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband’s hand and said, “Nope. I’m going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to.”
One last one…
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the husband replied, “In-laws.”
A blind man, needing a drink, walks into a bar. Unaware it’s a lesbian bar, he sits and sups, and starts talking to the girl behind the bar.
A short while later, and fuelled by alcohol, he asks the girl if she wants to hear a joke.
“Sure,” she replies.
He begins: “This blonde was walking down the street…”
“Sir,” the girl interrupts. “Before you continue, you should know this is a lesbian bar. Sat next to you is a blonde weightlifter. On your other side is a 200lb blonde wrestler. The bouncer is blonde. And I too am blonde. Do you really want to continue?”
“No,” says the man. “Not if I’m going to have to explain it four times…”
Whats Red and White and lives in a tree?
A Sanitary Owl
My turn!
Soooo, there’s this chicken farmer who’s rooster dies. The farmer is in a bad way because he has all these chickens to be serviced. He calls around and no one has any roosters for sale. He calls this breeder in the next county who has one rooster left, but he says to the farmer “We gots us one li’l red one here but y’all ain’t gonna want him though, he’s way to active.” The farmer says that is exactly what he is looking for. So he drives over to the breeders ranch and picks up the li’l red rooster.
As soon as he gets home, the rooster jumps out of the truck and ZOOM straight for the hen house, you could hear chickens squawking, feathers are flying and the house is rocking on its foundation. Soon out races the li’l red rooster – ZOOM, straight for the pig sty, (try not to think of Ned Beaty here), pigs are squeeling, mud is flying and the rooster is going to town! As soon as he finishes off all the pigs he makes a bee line for the horses in the barn! The farmer grabs him and says “Calm down! If you keep this up your gonna die!” last time the farmer sees the li’l red rooster, he’s on his way out to the pasture where all the cows are. The next day, the farmer rises at dawn, sure enough, he see a flock of vultures circling above a small red rooster corps. He walks over, looks down at the withered bird and says “Oh li’l red rooster, I tol’ ya iffen you didn’t slow down, you was gonna die!” Just then the rooster opens one eye, looks up at the farmer and whispers “SHhhhhhh, the vultures are about to land!”
These are kind of borderline so I’m going to play it safe with the spoiler tags.
A koala walks into a bar and sits down next to a gorgeous young woman. She asks him if the rumors are true that koalas are really good with their tongues. He says they are. So they go off to her place. After they’re done, she demands payment, but he says “koalas never pay.” She says “I’m a prostitute. This is what I do. Now pay up.” But he insists, “koalas never pay.” Then she pulls out a dictionary and reads aloud “prostitute - n. one who takes money for sexual favors.” The koala grabs the dictionary, turns the pages, and reads aloud, “koala - n. Australian marsupial, eats bushes and leaves.”
A Californian, a Texan and an Arizonan are drinking in a bar in Vegas. The Californian gulps down his wine spritzer and throws the empty glass against the far wall. He tells the surprised bartender, “in California, the standard of living is so high that we never have to drink from the same glass twice.” The Texan gulps down his margarita, then throws his glass against the far wall. He tells the still shocked bartender, “in Texas, sand is plentiful and glass is cheap, and we’re all rich from oil anyway so we never have to drink from the same glas twice.” The Arizonan gulps down his beer, pulls out a revolver, and shoots the Californian and the Texan. He says, “in Arizona, we have so many Californians and Texans moving in that we never have to drink with the same ones twice.”
William Shakespeare walks into a pub, the barman spots him and says ‘oi, get out, yer Bard’
How do you fit 4 elephants in a Geo Metro?
2 in the front seats, 2 in the back.
ahem…
How do you fit a giraffe in a fridge in 3 steps?
- open the door,
- put the giraffe in the fridge
- close the door.
…ahem, ahem…