Funniest joke you know

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
201

Hehe, some goodies in here, I havent finished reading the thread but I’m chancing that this one hasnt been told yet.

Woman walks into a pet store looking for a new pet, the owner suggests a frog.

“A frog? What kind of pet is that?” she asks

The owner winks at her, “This is no ordinary frog, it has been trained to perform cunnilingus!”

The lady is momentarily shocked at this statement, but after a few minutes her curiosity gets the best of her.

“Okay, I’ll take him.”

So at home she sits on the floor, pulls her skirt down and places the frog directly in front of her snatch. Two minutes go by, nothing. After a half hour of mashing the frog against her fagina, she gives up and returns to the store.

“Okay, this frog doesnt do anything!”

The store owner raises his eyebrows. “Hmm, let me see.”

The lady lays on the floor, spreads her legs, and puts the frog in front of her. The frog just sits there, unmoving.

“See? Its useless!”

The store owner shakes his head and yells at the frog. “Okay you schmuck! This is the last time I show you how!”

hehe

Joke #2 - Another pet store gag

Lady walks by the pet store every day to and from work and one day sees a parrot outside. The parrot looked at her and says “Hey lady, you’re fucking ugly!”

Obviously the lady is angry but thinks nothing of it and continues off to work.

Coming home, the same parrot sees her and says “Hey lady, you’re fucking ugly!”

Now the woman has had enough and storms inside the store.

“Your parrot keeps calling me fucking ugly, if I hear him say this again, so God help me I will strangle it!”

The owner, apologizing profusely, reassures her it will never happen again.

The next day, though she was off of work, the lady decides to stroll by the parrot again to see how it will react. She walks by slowly when the parrot begins to speak.

“Hey lady…” quickly she cuts the parrot off.

“What? WHAT?”

“You know…”

:slight_smile:

202

My favourite one so far :smiley:

203

:confused:

I don’t get it?

204

Ok, (you notice that a lot of joke start this way?) A successful buisnessman and familyman is being troubled by terrible headaches, really major migraines. It starts to affect his performance at work and increases his stress at home, and he is told he will be fired if things don’t improve.

He decides to go to see a doctor, and is told, “Well, the good news is I found what is wrong with you, the bad news is that it’s your penis, we’ll have to remove it to cure you.” Well, understandibly, the guy is taken aback; he goes to get a second opinion, it’s the same, as is a third opinion. “this is impossible, I won’t do it” says the fellow, and he goes back to work.

Well, his performance spirals and he loses his job. Shortly his home life dissolves as he becomes a unmotivated bum. Soon his wife can’t take him anymore, she leaves and takes the kids to her mother’s place to live. His life is at an all time low so he decides to have the operation.

Immediately following the operation he is better, no more headaches, nothing. His wife informs him she’ll come back to him when he gets a new job. So the next day he plans to go out on some interviews. He decides that it would make him feel better to buy a new suit for the interviews, so he goes to a tailor.

The tailor measures him for a coat then for his trousers, then asks, “Well, I’m about ready but I just need to know one more thing, what side do you wear “it” on?”

“Wear “it”?” replies the man

“Yes, you know, er, on what side do you “hang”?”

The man looks a little embarassed and explains that he had “it” removed in an operation.

“No problem.” responds the tailor, “I can make it look like you never had that operation, just tell me what side you used to hang it on, the left or the right?”

With this the man answered, “Well neither, I used to hang it right in the middle.”

“Oh I see, um, didn’t that give you headaches?”

205

What do you call a short dog with steel balls?
Sparky

206

What’s the definition of a happy sperm?
One with egg on its’ face!

207

dinoboy has already posted the link to laugh lab, so i’ll just point you in the direction of one of their best jokes…

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Also, another favourite of mine, though this is kind of a visual gag, so please try and picture it:

Sylvester Stallone and Michael Jackson are doing a tour of Italy together. The next day they are planning to go and see the Pope, and they make a hefty bet as to who will manage to get blessed first.

The next day, they go and see the Pope. There is already a big crowd gathered, and they split up. S.S goes and sits down the front, and starts eating peanuts, whilst M.J goes to the back where there is more room, and starts doing his trademeark moonwalk dance.

After just a few minutes the Pope walks up to S.S and makes the sign of the cross in front of him. S.S immediately gets up, smiles triumphantly at M.J and walks away. One of S.S posse asks him,

“That was amazing Sylvester, how did you get the Pope to bless you so fast?”

“I didn’t” he replies

“Then what did the Pope say?”

"You may be a big man (finger goes from down to up)
But you’ll pick up those peanut shells (finger goes from up to down)
Take your weirdo friend (finger goes from right to left)
And get the fuck outta here! (finger goes from left to right)

208

My friends and I were at some huge bar where they happened to be having a tasteless joke contest -$500 to whoever could tell the most tasteless joke. My friend got up and told this one and they stopped the competition right there and gave him the money. That should give you an idea just how tasteless it is. I’ll put both the question and answer in spoiler boxes and don’t read either unless you can stomach a joke about the rape of a child.

What’s the toughest thing about fucking an 8 year old?

Getting the blood out of the clown suit

I know, I know. No need to tell me you don’t think it’s funny.

209

Less tasteless is:

What do a woman’s breasts and toy trains have in common?

They are originally intended for the kids but Dad always ends up playing with them.

210

Hey KidCharlemagne,

What do you think of this one:

How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen?

100. 2 in the front, 2 in the back, and 96 in the ashtray.

As with KC’s, no need to tell me it’s not funny.

-Apoptosis

211

Filthiest joke I ever heard (not particualrly funny but extreme use of profanity):

[spoiler]Goddamn motherfuckin son of a bitch
Parked his car in a whorehouse ditch
He lined a hundred whores up against a wall
And I’ll be damned if he didn’t fuck 'em all.
He fucked 98 till his balls turned blue
Then backed off, jacked off, and fucked the other two.

(I guess he racked up quite a bill.)[/spoiler]

There. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. :slight_smile:

212

Two lifelong friends, Eric and San-Fran his Pakistani mate are both killed in a car crash.
Eric gets to heaven and begins looking for San-Fran but can’t find him so he asks St Peter where he is “Oh he was an unbeliever so I’m afraid he went to hell”
Anyway after a week or so sat on clouds, playing his harp and generally being bored shitless he goes back to Peter and asks what the chances are of seeing his old friend.
“Well” says Peter “Ican give you a twenty four hour pass to hell but you must take your harp with you and be back with it after 24 hours as we have a practice harp playing contest then”
“OK” says Eric and down to hell he goes.
He meets up with San-Fran and they have a ball, hell is brilliant,beautiful women all naked, free food,disco’s, wild orgies the whole shooting match.
After 24 hours Eric goes back to heaven and gets to harp practice.
“And just where is your harp” asks Peter

“Oh sod” replies Eric "I left my harp in San-Frans disco

213

Um, isn’t that supposed to be “picked up by the fuzz”?

I once had the fuzz on my tail, but I used a lint cleaner.

214

A certain mortician used to cut off the penises of his male clients and keep them in a large glass jar in formaldehyde.
One day he noticed that the jar was completely full, and he had the brilliant idea to take them to his local taxidermist.
The taxidermist thought it more than a little weird, but said he would see what he could do.
Finally, after about 6 weeks, he called the mortician to say he had finished. When the mortician got to the store, the taxidermist reached under the counter and brought out a wallet.
This upset the mortician. “All this time, and all those dicks and all you could come up with is a wallet?!!!”
The taxidermist just said “yeah, but if you rub it, it turns into a suitcase!”

215

Praying none are retold:

A fellow is walking long the beach and notices a lamp in the sand. When he rubs it, a Genie appears. The Genie announces that he can have three wishes, with the understanding that his ex wife receives a double share.

The fellow ponders for a moment and asks first for an island villa, staffed with servants, complete with everything he might want or need for the next 100 years.

The Genie says, “OK, but your ex gets double?”

“Yes.”

“It is done!”

Next, the fellow asked for a vault of gold and diamonds, their worth incalculable.

The Genie says, “OK, but…”

“I know!”

“It is done!”

Your final wish awaits you, choose wisely," says the Genie.

“Everything I get, she gets double-right?”

“Yes, that is true.”

“Beat me half to death”

216

An Amish fellow is standing in the lobby of a motel, looking at the room descriptions. The desk clerk asks him if he can be of assistance.

“My wife and I just got married, and I’m trying to decide on a room for us.”

The clerk replies, “Well certainly, Sir, you’ll want the bridal!”

“No, I’ll hold her ears 'till she gets the hang of it”

217

Two priests and a rabbi are on a hike in the woods. They come to a clearing where a lovely pond awaits. Stripping off their clothes, the three frolic in the water, having a great time. They see some blackberry bushes nearby and stroll over to them in their birthday suits, enjoying the fruit like little kids would do.

Suddenly, a group of children, led by some ladies appear at the edge of the clearing.

The two priests cover their privates, the rabbi covers his face, and the three race for cover in the woods.

Once behind the treeline, one priest hisses to the rabbi, “Idiot! Why did you cover your face?”

“For you I can’t speak, but in my congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”

218

A lad shows up in front of the local firehouse with his red wagon, which he has filled with hose, and his faithful dog, who is towing the wagon.

A career man steps out to complement the lad on his engine, when he notices that the wagon is tied to the dog’s testicles.

Looking at the youngster he says, “Chief, I don’t want to tell you how to run your department, but shouldn’t you tie the wagon to the dog’s collar?”

“I could do that, but then the siren doesn’t work”

219

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn’t hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, they’re trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I’ve got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, “So you’re the new stud in town? I bet you really think you’re hot stuff, don’t you? Well I’m not ready for the chopping block yet. I’ll bet I’m still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We’ll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.”

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. “You’re on,” said the young rooster.

“And since I know I’m so great, I’ll even give you a head start of half a lap. I’ll still win easy,” said the young rooster.

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy’s lead has slipped a little but he’s still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster’s lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he’s just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself…“Dang, that’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month.”

220

Q. Where do girls have short curly hair?

A. New Guinea